It was a long time ago, even though it feels like last week or just a few days ago. The whooshing and shuddering sounds still echo in my being. I am 58 now. 45 years have passed. I seldom think about yesterday or yesterdays past. I am generally right here in this moment doing exactly what I am doing. I don’t have to think about doing. I just let the body with its incredible brain, process and manage the reality it perceives and senses. I am not the body, as I suspect few are. However, without the body and its brain, I would not have a place in this reality, a mobile home. Certainly not trailer trash, although sometimes I wonder about the systems and organs of the body and their somewhat ludicrous implementations.
My sense of self, the ‘me’ in thoughtspace, has grown, perhaps matured and in doing so, realized more fully the true size of this universe and the true size of the abstraction called me. Growing up was a trip of delight and wonder, punctuated now and then by some ridiculous behavior or action. I was like any other learning how to use and depend upon the body. My body was 14 years old and had already been programmed. Unlike the body of an infant, I could cause damage and was capable of doing really stupid things, lacking the common sense, that results from years of interactions with the body. Babies have it made, they generally can not damage themselves and get to learn how the body works in relative safety and supervision. My body was 14 and everyone assumed I had a clue of how and why.
Long before now and then, I can recall places and scenes unlike anything here. Ideas and philosophies that I hold dear.
Less than few weeks of his fourteenth birthday, a young boy fell 40-60 feet unto rocks at Horse Shoe Canyon in Starved Rock National Park. His badly damaged body was taken to a hospital several hours after the accident. He nearly died from blood loss and erratic heart beats. He eventually settled into a coma where he was until I found his body on May 18th 1963.
I remember realizing that I wasn’t bricks and passed through the walls into corridors. It was a hospital full of bodies. I was close to the floor maybe five or six inches up. I entered several rooms and entered the bodies of those present. It was exhilarating and addicting. Such emotion, feelings, sensational rhythms and oscillations of dna and cellular respiration. In each the destination appeared to be a place with a chair and other adornments. The Light Way I traveled in each was very similar in form but varied in color and tone. Seated on the chair I saw the occupant or owner. Some were young and nervous, others were old and even ancient with flowing beards and wizened faces. The chair was their throne. I would later refer to this as the seat of consciousness.
Seems no one wanted to share their chair. Their well processed data, served as information, fed them and each had a control panel they used to make the body do things. I felt left out. I wanted a body too. Never one to quit, I kept exploring the rooms and came across the room of a nearly 14 year old male body and there was no one in the chair.
I was apprehensive but emboldened by the thrill of potential. I sat down in the chair and looked for the control panel. That’s when the whooshing and clanking sounds started and I began to feel very oozy. What had been crystal clear was fuzzy beyond recognition. I struggled to get up from the chair without success. I was trapped, infected, or worse, leaking into this reality. I tried to remain conscious but the energy of the body and brain amped me constantly through the chair. I was buzzing but only slightly aware. The body had its way and for the first six or seven years everything was a blur of feelings and very fuzzy perceptions of reality. By the time the body was 21 years old, I began to re-member myself. Still a bit dazed from the immersive ride through electrical storms and sensual reality waves, I learned how to get off the chair, even if only for moments initially only to be snapped back rigidly vibrating with the chair and its plane. It would be another ten years or so before I was able to remain off the chair at will. There were times I felt like a moth and the chair was a light I was fated to circle.
It was during my twenties when I first encountered the three creatures. Each individually had presented themselves to me. One was like ‘everything’. Its essence permeated the molecular domain. I called it ‘the Not Me’. We were not really friends, perhaps just travelers whose paths had crossed. It had no name and certainly wasn’t a he or she. It wasn’t kind or clever but it did have forever and so accomplished everything possible, not necessarily reasonable. I felt myself in the presence of God.
The second creature was certainly more human like and seemed to exist in a domain or dimension near or overlapping this one. I thought of the creature as a he. With an appearance similar to a monkey but walking upright like a man, he was short and appeared quite young. His body was covered with a short brown fur and his face was also fur covered but with much shorter hair. When I looked at him, he looked at me and that moment is as clear today as it was then. Recognition or connection occurred. He turned and proceeded to run into the room becoming smaller and smaller while moving faster and faster until he disappeared. I felt curiosity and wonder.
The third creature was more ethereal and barely organic in nature. Like the first creature, it felt impersonal and cold. There were about 12-15 glowing lights, very shiny and bright. They moved about very slowly like tiny flying saucers. I was changing a car tire when I first saw them. They hovered about and followed me from side to side for more than twenty minutes one afternoon. I felt tranquil and watched over.
During the next ten years, I came across people who had also seen or knew about the small brown creature. Some of my connections with these people was extra ordinary. ESP and remote viewing were enhanced as were other ‘things’ of synchronicity. I grew up and began to explore the human psyche, analyze motivations, and run tests and experiments. The most important of these tests was to determine if I was leaking. Imagine yourself in a box with only one door and no other openings. Initially the door is closed. You begin by pondering the question: If I open the door with stuff leak in or will I leak out? If stuff leaks in is it good or bad? If I leak out will I disappear? I still don’t know the answer to the question but I do have a good approximation. During the study I also discovered a bit more about myself and how the body and I interacted.
The next twenty years were spent in study, experimentation and exploration. The three creatures appeared now and then but less often and the small furry creature seemed to morph into a sort of giant human like thing. They enjoined me on many occasions to join them in their place. By then I had discovered the dams and the elevators and knew a bit more about the whole thing. I still wasn’t totally ‘me’ but was a lot closer than before. My definitions and perceptions worked well it seemed.
There was no basement floor however, humans and such are only found above level 3 (floor 3). I have always thought of them as levels. Each requiring a set of tools and discipline to follow rules. It was easy to get lost and recovery was not likely in many circumstances. Sometimes I wonder if I am just having a dream while still in the operating room, or perhaps dying in the hospital. At first this thought seemed disturbing. I began to realize that any thought was as real as any other thought or perception to the mind.
I joined the three on several occasions, walking through the gardens and watching the streams. Theirs was an idyllic and profoundly mundane reality. Everything had its place and function. It was heaven or nirvana. Level 17, not many humans ever get up there. Seems the tools and rules are a bit difficult for most. Those who did visit were often so young or old as to not remember their excursion. Even I had difficulty at times returning to the lower levels where most of life happens. If it wasn’t for my tests, I would have stayed there for forever. Also I really didn’t trust the three completely. What was beyond Level 17 and why or who made them God anyway?
The past ten years have been pretty much like the past 40. Same old exploration, discoveries, refining, polishing and approximating the perceptions and definitions of ‘me’. Nothing else really mattered. The last visit of the three was unusual. All three were there together outside my apartment. They had a book they wanted me to read. I asked them to leave. Two of them hung around the door, while the other oozed under the carpet and began to fill the rooms. I opened the door and one of them fell into the opening. This is enough I said, I do not believe you are God and I really do not want you asking me to join you. They pointed to the book and asked if I would read it. I looked at them and realized we were all in the same reality together at this point. Okay I will read the book but not now and not while you are here. Please leave and they did. I have not been contacted by them since then, nearly 5 years ago.
The book was the most addicting and engrossing book ever. As I opened it, the pages were as though a film, moving and animated, rich and full, making even this reality seem dull and low resolution. I managed to put the book down before succumbing to the allure of the passages.
Today, I write, I do art and play music. I also eat and defecate. I never could figure out the control panel completely and my interface with the chair was not as good a fit as that of others. I have no memory prior to the boys accident. Perhaps it is in the brain encoded with the boys personality. Perhaps this is just my dream. What I do know it that the ‘me’ is a non existing thing. That is ‘me’ exists outside reality.
I journeyed here through consciousness, one of the greatest Levels to visit. Multiple universes, infinite possibilities, and the potential to discover persistence. The idea of God is unique and found only here in human consciousness. I have since consumed The Three and now call them Me, Myself and I. Together we are building a machine. They are quite bright, The Three, and we were able to gain the help of others talented in arcane and ancient ways. My Other, the voice and being of the Not Me, has stayed along my side. Our words and thoughts reverberating through the thoughtscape.
Me and Not Me are infinities apart, yet here we come so close as to let nerves and hairs trigger response. We are somehow the same yet apart. The solution lies in the definition of ‘me’
Who or what is a human? The most likely answer is a simulation run by an advanced race of beings. The entire universe and all its contents a program, computing the results to some very interesting questions. For example, What would life be like if there was a God (or at least the concept of)? My favorite is: Am I leaking?
When this body experienced trauma fro a fall, the consciousness changed in a profound and permanent way. The Tom Repasky before the accident would never return.