MY HEALING: I Don't Want To Fight For Life

“Here…” I whispered with a warm tear slurring down my pale cheek… “Here it is…”

The cold fingers could not let go of a grasp around a tiny, dirty, old box, placed on the table right beside a candle of shimmering hope… Detaching my arm from it meant letting it go for one more time, trusting without feasible reasoning…

It could have been my resplendent imagination or maybe my naive faith has spoken those words inwardly, but, as He reached out and placed His heartfelt hand over mine, closing His eyes, lowering His head, I could distinctively hear someone ask, “Do you trust Me?”

A spring of startled excuses has poured out of my insides, still clutching the box in my tiny hand, trying to imprint the feeling of safety its soothing touch carried through under my skin and down deep into the inner structure of my entity. I could feel my voice bulge with slight anger and deep misery, “Of course I trust you, but it’s just that every time can be the last time, and if I let go this…” and the lump in my throat burst into a tear from His gentle eyes…

It was as if though He had awakened from reliving that day yet again as I counted the seconds watching Him slowly open His abyss, sodden eyes, shining bright in the candle’s dull dawn… My voice went back from where it came from and the distance of Heaven and Earth hung transfixed in our stare… He looked right through my shallow depth; translucent I was, indeed, and, oh, how arid my soul resembled itself… Traveling in the room of mirrors in my essence, He, at last, projected to what I was seeing at the moment in His eyes: a reflection of the sky’s deepest sorrow stretched across the supposed-to-be graveyard of Love…

And so the Heaven and Earth met at the same point of history… under the same sorrowful sky… where Him and I stood… now – together…

The healing tears now shamelessly rolled down my face in round circlets… “…forgive me…” voiceless, I only dared to move my lips, letting the box slip out of my hold…

The candle was soon to finish its course, but it caught little of my attention as I watched His loving peace across the table… He smiled… and there was something about that smile… a mystery hidden and revealed in One Man… could it possibly be?

In disbelief, I watched Him take out a new, white, delicately ornamented in red diamonds box from behind His back… Was He hiding that new box for me all this time? Did He have it stored and ready for me long before I met Him that day? …could it possibly be?

Without a word spoken, He accurately opened my old box… and took the beating benevolence out of it and placed it into His present for me – a stainless container, marked by the resurrected Love…

Everything I held on to so tight was now replaced by everything I did not even deserve…

He sealed the lid of a new box and put it back on the table… The old box had vanished from my sight… I now looked at it all… and smiled myself… “I love you…” was all that was left inside of me…

How many times have I visited Him since then, I don’t know… but every time He’d find a way through me to join the Heaven and the Earth at one point… I’d bring a ripped soul and He’d sew it back together… and every time… and every countless time… He’d have a new box… waiting just for me…

I remember this one time… I remember it… so clear… I think it was a yesterday…

“Here…” I whispered, placing a white box in front of Him… “Here it is… I’ve only broken off two red diamonds of Your Love this time… I’m sorry…” I have swayed away my faith report and heard my words echo in the distance of my mind… for there was something else… something in the way…

I did not look into His gentle eyes… I sat up still on the chair I was used to so much already… and only studied the box on the table…

And there it was. In a small box from Heaven. Beating. Still breathing. My heart on the table.

“Here it is… Here it is, Lord… Here is my heart…” an unfamiliar tear of fear and hurt started a new roll in my weary eyes…

Something was wrong… Yes, it still was beating… but its rhythm this time wasn’t like the rest… It beat out a different song of sadness and grief…

“What troubles you, child?”

He rarely spoke… He rarely needed to… Hearing Him ask me that question had more than a little surprised me…

“It’s my heart, God…”

“What about it?”

“I never before looked at it as a bargain…” I thought He’d reply… but now He was silent… now I had to say it all… “This heart, God… is my life… With every beat, I breathe… You see, it’s wearing down…”

I let a moment surpass my own understanding… I swallowed the tears and found the bravery to keep talking… “My heart is just like this candle, I guess… Look at this candle, God… it burns down… and it fades away and it’s no longer here… The heart in that box is just like that… It’s fading away… it burns down… and…” my inwards narrowed down in pain… “I might be no longer here…”

Understanding vanished… words streamed live with my tears, following every breath I’d gulp… “I’ve always lived this life fighting for You… believing that You were always there… and though even this story is just an imagery in my head, I have always believed You and drew pictures of You in my soul… I have painted that sky, the one You watched with your beautiful, gentle eyes from the cross… I have believed in Your promise… I have always returned to this room of my prayer retreat… I’ve always surrendered this box after all… You’d let me take it away, break it, drop it, but You have always waited for my return with a new box for a present… and You know how I’ve always just wanted to be with You… and love You with all of my heart, living for Your glory alone… and now…”

…and now, let me get out of quotation marks, God, and just talk to You… I’m no longer living a story… I’m here… and so are You… and I feel these words living my spiritual life… What they cannot see, cannot hear… God, You know that I have lived this life fighting for You… to live for You… and now…

…now I have to fight You to live… because that heart in a box is… can…

I don’t know, God… I really just don’t… and now that I have real, simple tears falling down on this keyboard… I feel like asking “Why?” but I know there’s just no point to… and I don’t want to, God…

God… you hear me? Do you hear me, God! I don’t want to! I don’t want to! You hear that?! I don’t want to fight with You for life, which I have fought for all along to be Yours!

…God… God…. Lord……. I don’t want to fight for life…………..

…just take it… with the box… the box just no longer matters… it’s Yours… it’s all Yours… this heart… this life… it’s all Yours…

…do you trust Me?

He promised….

……by His grace I am healed…….

MY HEALING: I Don't Want To Fight For Life

theShad0ws

Joined December 2008

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Artist's Description

There’s a world concealed from their ears… There’s a world behind their back and they can’t see it… Exoneration…

Written Dec 2008

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