Favourite jokes?
For a while, my favourite joke has been this one:
Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.
Jokes with realistic endings were doing their rounds for a while there on the somethingawful forums. Of course, we’re expecting to hear the familiar answer of “half a worm!” (which is also realistic), but the volumes in which the answer to this question’s joke has been amped up, is quite hilarious to me indeed. There are far worse things than finding a worm in your apple. Let’s give ‘em the worst possible thing ever in existence.
Sometimes when I tell people this joke they say, “That’s harsh!” But I’m not sure what they mean by this. Would it be somewhat less harsh to compare the Holocaust to a greater tragedy than finding a worm in an apple? Gang-rape at gunpoint? Is it that somehow kinder? Are we competing in tragedies now?
Have you seen ‘The Aristocrats’? Where all of those comedians tell their version of the joke? Quickly, for those of you who haven’t, the joke is pretty much this: A man says to a director or agent or what-have-you, that he has written a new play. The director or agent or what-have-you asks what is it about? Usually the man begins to describe that it is about a family… and then proceeds to detail the absolute monstrosities that take place in this play, making it as awful and disgusting as he possibly pleases, until he reaches the end and the director or agent or what-have-you asks what is the play called? To which the man responds, “The Aristocrats”.
Ha-ha! I hear you guffaw! Well, so: I’m watching this movie and all of the comedians trying to be as over-the-top and vile as they can be. Some are not so well gifted at the ad-lib, I gotta say. But the one that stood out THE MOST and was without-a-doubt my favourite was Stephen Wright’s telling of the joke. I like Stephen Wright, I don’t mind him, but always he provokes in me a simple but tender ‘heh!’ sound – never none belly-achin’ come up from me! Until I saw, ‘The Aristocrats’! See, he was the only comedian to put his own personal twist on things. And this is what he did: after the man is asked what it’s called, and he gives the punch-line, “The Aristocrats”, Stephen cocks his head to the side, and says in the director or agent or what-have-you’s voice, “I’d like to see that actually.”
HA HA!
What’s your favourite joke?
itsnoteasy
That holocaust one is good.
I like the series of mini-jokes which tell a story. You gotta tell these at a fast pace.
What’s brown and sticky? A brown stick.
What’s brown and sticky and comes out of Cowes? The Phillip Island Ferry. (This one works better if you say it rather than spell it.)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the tree fall over?
That last koala didn’t let go.
Why did the kangaroo fall over?
It was hit by three koalas and a tree.
How do you fit four elephants in a mini?
Two in the back, two in the front.
How do you know if an elephant’s been in your refridgerator?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know two elephants have been in your refridgerator?
Two sets of footbrints.
How do you know if four elephants have been in your refridgerator?
There’s a mini parked out front.
How do put a zebra in your refridgerator?
Open the door, put in the zebra, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in your regridgerator?
Open the door, take out the zebra, put in the giraffe, close the door.
The Lion invites all the animals to a party. Which animal doesn’t turn up?
The giraffe. It’s still in your refridgerator.
How do you cross a lake inhabited by crocodiles?
Just swim across. The crocs are all at the party.
What’s white and rampages through the forest?
A refridgerator.
What’s grey and rampages through the forest?
A refridgerator in a trench coat.
itsnoteasy
And I know they’re cliche, but I do enjoy a good bar joke.
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes the three beers and drinks them in the following fashion:
He takes a sip from the first beer, puts it down. He takes a sip from the second beer, puts it down. He takes a sip from the third beer, puts it down. Then he takes a sip from the first beer again. He drinks it like this until he finishes, and then he walks out of the bar.
The next day, he comes into the bar and does the exact same thing. On the third day, the beerkeep says to him, “Listen, mate, you can have as many beers as you want, but why not order them one at a time? That way, the beers stay fresh.”
The man says, “Oh, well, you see, I have two brothers and the three of us have always been very close. Unfortunately, we live in three different countries, and so we made a vow to each other. We promised that as long as we were alive, every time we have a beer, we will drink for the brothers that aren’t here. That way, it’s as if they were right here with me.”
The barkeep thought this was a very touching tradition, and all the regulars in the bar eventually learned of it and they thought it was a very fine tradtion, too, and the man would come to this bar every day and got to know everyone well.
One day, he walked into the bar and ordered two beers. Everyone in the bar went silent, and the barkeep gave the man the two beers with solemnity. He sat down at the table and drank the beers in the following manner:
He took a sip from the first beer, put it down. Then he took a sip from the second beer and put it down. Then he took a sip from the first beer and put it down.
Everyone was silent as he drank in this way, and there was only one reason anyone could come up with as to why he only ordered two beers. One of the guys walked up to the man, put a hand on his shoulder, and said,
“Mate, I’m so sorry about your brother!”
The man said, “What? What are you talking about?”
“Your brother… I couldn’t help but notice you only ordered two beers today, and your tradition…”
“OOOH!” The man said, understanding. “No, no, you got it wrong. Both of my brothers are perfectly fine, I’ve just given up drinking!”
itsnoteasy
Then there’s jokes with a moral.
The little red man lived in a little red house. He slept in his little red bed and got up to have a shower. He walked into his little red bathroom, took off his little red clothes, and turned on his little red shower. He was showering, when his little red doorbell rang. He went out of the little red shower and got his little red towel and wrapped it around his little red waist. He answered the little red door and there was the little purple lady. The little purple lady says, “Excuse me, can I use your little red phone?” The little red man says, “Sure!” and lets the little purple lady into his little red house to use his little red phone, but his little red towel gets caught on the corner of his little red coffee table and his little red towel comes off. The little purple lady screams and runs out of the little red house and across the road, when she’s hit by a big yellow truck and dies.
The moral of the story: Don’t run across the road when the little red man is flashing.
itsnoteasy
A bar joke and a blonde joke in one:
A man walks into a bar and says to the barkeep, “I just heard the funniest blonde joke! Want to hear it?”
The barkeep says, “Listen, mate, I’m just going to tell you once, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m blonde. And you see that man sitting over there? He’s a retired wrestler, and he’s blonde. And that man in the corner? He’s an ex-criminal, and he’s blonde, too. Those four guys at that table? They’re cops, and they’re also blonde. Now,” and the barkeep leans forward, “Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The man says, “Yeah, good point. I don’t want to have to explain it seven times.”
thepalms
Haha! Those are actually quite good! I’d heard the little red man one before, but not for aaages, and the story jokes about the fridges and the koalas are funny. You could have a lot of fun making up jokes like that, I reckon. But I really liked that bar joke about the 3 brothers! Maybe because it has such a long build up, and I never saw that punchline coming at all, is why it works so well!