thepalms

People who take photos of themselves in sexually provocative poses and then post them on social networking sites are weird. I say weird, but really I mean obvious. Often it happens after the person has come out of a relationship – a messy break-up. I recall at one stage, I had two guys doing the rounds in my online social spheres, shirtless. One of them had given himself a new haircut. Sure, when we’re in a vulnerable state, we can’t think as clearly as we ordinarily can, and perhaps chucking your bare chest into the proverbial fray that is ‘the possibility of someone special’, is a marvellous, mysterious idea. But accck. I wish it didn’t bother me. Why must it stir up a sudden, swollen rage in my temples?

Hey. I’m Tammy. I’ve just spent my entire afternoon taking photos of myself nude in my magnificent bathtub. It has legs on it. And so do I – check them out. I spent a good few hours trying to get my best angles, because I not only want my ex to see what he’s missing out on, but I also want him to see all the comments left by my sleaziest of online friends. Things like, “Let’s run away together… in a bathtub… xx” And, “Nice legs. I mean bathtub.” I want everybody to witness this. In fact, tomorrow I’m going to take photos of myself looking reminiscent of Lolita. I’m going to wear my old primary school uniform and sit on my neighbour’s lap. Only the smartest and cleverest of creatures will make the distinction, and I will be praised not only for my ample bust and ability to strike poses that are flattering to my features, but for brain.

Did you know I’m also really smart?