Permanently disabled 14 years now. Severe Chronic Pain. Homebound. I meditate the beautiful to aid the healing and alleviate the pain. Senior Male. Married. Wife and Daughter artists too.

I can only spend short periods of time out of bed. Only 10 min at a time at the computer, a few times a day. (Usually less). I organize for photography before taking shots so as to make the most of my time out of bed. Most of my photography work is done indoors with the use of flower boxes hanging from the windows. It’s always a race against rising pain to finish without help. My wife does help me set things up and for this I am very grateful and lucky. Although the quietude and alone-ness do offer time for meditation, I find that “balance” is most conducive to growth.

I started looking at Photographs on the Web to find material for meditation exercises that would allow me relaxation in out-of-body flight from pain. In this way I also found my imagination and much more (I have been criticized in this for being an escapist instead of absorbing my experience head on and turning it into a spiritual awakening. (A very twisted interpretation).

As difficult as you may imagine this to be, the worst part of it is some of the people I must encounter. You don’t notice them. I didn’t notice them either before I became disabled and in pain. But they are there and they have a thousand ways to judge you negatively for your pain, “nicely”. Very nicely. They all in fact are “nice people” and the only way they could find out differently is encounters with disabled people who could raise their awareness. This they avoid or rationalize away. They are disturbed by any association with some one who lives in chronic misery even if they do struggle to move past it, into the light. I have been told here that “I don’t love life enough.” “And that I am not right with God – That’s why I suffer”. " His life is so limited. How rich can his love be?" “He has no choice’s”. Or, instead of tenderness, they pay lip service to love while running the other way. " Hurt people hurt people". That’s how they justify their lack of presence and compassion. The abuse of the disabled stands on historical foundations as old as Mankind. And the disabled are sometimes to impaired to win arguments. They are, after all, disabled. In the long run, people who think that way about the disabled, are as villainous as any and certainly, the most disabled of us all. There are people who know but those are the disabled you will not listen too.

They kill horses that suffer without the possibility of resolution and cats and dogs too, but not human beings. I’m told that’s because humans live for higher values. Will somebody please tell my weak spirited friends who are mean because they are ignorant, that I must be living for those higher values. Pain drives you there. Values they may never have to cling to as tightly as I do. (I was told in bmail that I must see myself wearing “sandals”). Insulted for the very experience that challenges me. I assure you that I wish pain on no one, that they may grow spiritually faster.

Mostly, I do still life photography and poetry. Poetry comes spontaneously almost completely finished. Poems write themselves or they don’t get past my censors. I call that “inspiration”, if I’m working too hard for it, I probably don’t mean it – or deserve it – in any case, it doesn’t work that way for me.

I believe real Art is revolutionary intrinsically and may speak for our collective heart in all it’s ways. I believe that real Art may be revolutionary in the way that telling the truth is always revolutionary. . .and brave. My intention is to move you, not to always please you, unless you ‘re here for the art.There are lots of people here for the Oxytocin rush. Many people fail to realize that those pleasant hormonal feelings depend on empathy to have them work. Their misfortune is that empathy is a conduit for both pleasant AND unpleasant feelings. To adore a kitten you must also be willing to feel terrible should it be run over by a car. Sorry, that’s just the sad fact of life. The same hormones that bring you love also bring you heartbreak and the general chemistry of it says you can’t have one without the other. If you’d rather I didn’t tell you this than you are one of those people. If you are abashed, you are one of these people.This will not be as rich a place for you as it could be, even if you do keep coming back for more. Even if you work here.

The modern world we live in knows that “good feelings sell” and bad feelings don’t, so they wind up twisting us up about our own human nature. More important than feeling good or feeling bad is “living for meaning”. However you may find that meaning. Meaning has helped humanity live forward through all the necessary suffering there ever was and that’s a thought that warms and inspires me in a pleasant way. It is what helps me get through the day and the longest nights. Expect to be told by false profits that expecting meaning is why you suffer. Suffering for nothing is the worst of human fates. If you think love matters at all than you know that it begins with sharing and doesn’t shun the meanings we live for . It is, rather, at the heart of them. And no matter what your meanings, do not forget that there are those out there who think suffering is a personal choice, they smile and laugh and Play – they say ouch when burned, just like we do. They carry in a solid gold frame, a license to disregard you. They can’t help it that they don’t understand what loving and being loved can do for you. It’s the way that they suffer. It is the way that they are unconscious.

Feel free to browse or buy, but please remember all these images and writings are copyrighted, and that any copying, altering, editing, displaying or redistribution of any of these images without permission is strictly prohibited.

Thank you!



Some favorite music;

CHRIS BOTTI IN BOSTON | “Emmanuel” w/ Lucia Micarelli | PBS

Chris Botti – A Thousand Kisses Deep

Lullaby for Helen

Nina Simone – feelings (1976) HQ

Joe Cocker~You Are So Beautiful (Live at Montreux 1987)

Cyndi Lauper – True Colors

Ennio Morricone – Malena (Titoli Di Coda)

Don Williams Emmy Lou Harris – If I Needed You (with lyrics)

Josh Groban Awake Live: Lucia Micarelli – Kashmir

Toots Thielemans – Theme from Midnight Cowboy – European Qua


♫ Love Is A Mystery

So in love – k.d. lang

Conway Twitty – The rose

Barbra Streisand – If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas) – 2009

Emmanuel – played by Toots Thielemans ( Michel Colombier ) – bar

Santana and Dave Matthews – Love of My Life

Cê – Toots Thielemans – The Brazil Project

  • Joined: March 2011


Sorry to be scarce

I have been very very ill. Serous surgeries and hardly able to to note this journal. Thank you for your ongoing loyalties. / Love, Ernie
Posted 10 months – 3 comments

Living with meaning. (revised Feb. 23, 2012)

I believe that real Art is inherently revolutionary and speaks for our collective heart and all it’s ways. I believe that Art is inherently revolutionary In the way that telling the truth is always revolutionary. . . My intention is to always move you, not to always please you, unless you ‘re here for the art.There are lots of people here for the Oxytocin rush. Many people fail to rea…
Posted over 3 years – 6 comments