Okay then. How do I begin to explain? Who is Ari? What is he? Well for starters, he’s a he (surprisingly in the eyes of many of his peers). Self-proclaimed master word-smith (i.e. one who spends many grueling hours (roughly 20 minutes) constructing sentences that take artistic liscence a bit too far), Ari writes long sentences and enjoys romantic walks on the beach in addition to flirting with anything that has a pulse and/or legs. Not surprisingly, he enjoys many adventures as a result of his shenanigans. SHENANIGANS! Hahahahaha, what a great word (at the time of writing this I am wondering whether or not sounds and numbers count as words). Anyways, I’ve engaged in many adventures and particularly ones that involve females (that is, educated young women).
So, now that I have been a giant tool (one who is highly frowned upon), I can stop speaking about myself in the third person and actually tell you what I will write about. If you can’t tell by now, I am goofy and somewhat full of myself. Both of these traits are clearly me trying to compensating for a surplus of social awkwardness. Or maybe I am actually as awesome as I try to act around people. I won’t tell you. It will ruin my mystique (I accredit this belief to Boxxy of internet fame). Right, I need to tell you what I will write about assuming you haven’t already stopped reading. I, having had much experience failing in relationships and almost-relationships, would like to teach you how to avoid my mistakes. Why? Maybe I am generous or think that this will somehow give people the impression that I actually have dating experience. Please date me. Please?
Regardless, I think I’m pretty good at advising people and don’t even have to pretend to be mean when I’m doing it. I have heard that people good at resolving certain issues often can not resolve those same issues in their own lives. I believe that my being inability to engage in a conversation with someone I am attracted to will allow me to help you succeed. So, many a word later you now know that I am going to offer you dating advice or at the very least funny anecdotes about my failures. Joy.
Are these fictional? Will I occasionally write something that has absolutely nothing to do with relationships? Am I actually inept at relationships? Am I just trying to put down my social prowess in order to seem less threatening to ladies of the youthful persuasion? Will I take stabs at other columnists? Do I secretly idolize Sarah Jessica Parker from the popular TV series Sex and the City (of which I have seen a few episodes (not because of the indecent exposure))? Maybe. Who knows? All I know is that I’m trying to write less 500 words.
Just to get a word count/to share.