From: The Head
As you know, I’ve been on long service leave for the past five years due to Project XX. As a result of this project’s completion, I am returning to work on Monday to begin preliminary planning on Project EX.
I understand that during my absence, all business matters have been directed to the Heart, and as such I thought it relevant to advise you that it has been put on probation for serious misconduct.
Some of the allegations include: “inability to take decisive action”, “incapacitation during fact finding missions” and “failure to display logic in various circumstances”. The board is aware of these issues and will return to the matter of continued employment after the probationary period.
For my part, I would like to draw to your attention to the fact that a large portion of my emails to you during this period remained unanswered and/or unopened. While I appreciate that the situation called for a certain amount of specialised skill, which the Heart no doubt provided, I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the following:
YOU STUPID TWOT. How many times did you fob me off in the past five years?!? Now you come running back to me with a headless body and a bleeding chest?! I didn’t think it was possible for you to be any more pathetic, and yet here you are, sobbing all over me, whimpering like a preschooler with a skinned knee. YOU UNGRATEFUL BLUBBERING MESS.
I’ll see you in the office.
Senior Director of You
A long overdue correspondence.