Suzanne German

Here’s a response to all the emails we receive warning and advising us on what to do and not do in order to lead more happy fulfilled and prosperous lives:-
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Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year….....

I must send my thanks to whoever it was who sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program …..

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes – and I don’t even belive in God – go figure that one!!

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains – just as well really!

I no longer can buy petrol without having to watch and make sure that a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up and later grab me from behind whilst drawing a jagged edged blade across my throat.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a male deodorant sample and rob me after using me as a sex toy – (this doesn’t sound too bad actually come to think of it!! :))

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan – posing as Borat on the other end of the line!

Thanks also, cause now I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to the great advice I’ve been sent, I can’t even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a pervert molester waiting underneath my car waiting to grab me and have his way with me.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late

Oh and an utterly Preposterous New Year to All xxx


Suzanne German – December – 2007.