“The world food shortage is coming! The world food shortage is coming!” The media has cried this manta over and over and it certainly has the attention of almost everyone. Wars after all have been fought for much less and for some reason many poor starving nations are always looking for a good fight. God knows if you’re poor having civil unrest will certainly help. And it really will help since war is the very finest form of population control ever devised by humanity. In the U.S. alone, we spend in excess of $400 billion per year just getting ready for a war and for fighting the ones we’re already in which would be……ALL of world’s major conflicts. Very sad but very true. So weren’t high energy prices enough? Now we have a food shortage and ever skyrocketing sustenance prices to boot? The one good thing about high gas prices is that since I won’t have the money to drive to the supermarket I don’t have to worry about high food prices. If I can’t get there I can’t buy anything. I have to admit that I have noticed this cuisine deficiency as of late. Just other day I was in Wal-Mart, and low-and-behold they were out of my brand of fish sticks! The whole one freezer of them was as empty as the social security trust fund! You can only imagine my dismay as this brought the food shortage into sharp focus uncomfortably close to home. I had no choice but to buy another brand of fish sticks but that one scarcity stuck in my mind for at least ten minutes. (An agonizing ten minutes I must add!) By the time I reached my car, lugging my twelve bags of groceries, I had put the fish stick episode behind me and was feeling better and with all that excessive worrying I was now famished. Seeing an Arby’s restaurant across the parking lot I bee lined for it! Little did I know the rude awakening I was in for!
I didn’t go through the drive thru this day with my ever hungry gas guzzling SUV. Waste not want not! I strolled up to the nearest cash register and the bored teenage clerk (Are you allowed to say clerk anymore?) and ordered a deluxe baked potato slathered in sour cream only to be told, “Sorry mister we’re all out.” How could this “clerk” be so calm? My God I’m being faced with famine twice in one day and he’s not the least bit agitated?! What’s wrong with today’s youth? No fish sticks and now no deluxe baked potato? The media has the right of it and I was seeing the world wide food deficiency first hand. I didn’t panic though. No I stayed calm and poker faced and ordered two roast beef sandwiches, a large fries, and a large “diet” coke. I was extremely unsettled though and couldn’t eat all my fries and dumped half my coke into the garbage which is more than a little uncommon for me. I trudged my bulk back to my SUV disheartened and disillusioned. What was going to come of us? I was so upset that I had to loosen my belt since eating so much food had made my pants a bit snug and stomach queasy.
I just needed to go home now and find some solace and for the fact that my ice cream and fish sticks were most certainly melting. (Refrozen fish and ice cream are never the same.) My quiet day of grocery shopping has now been totally ruined along with my composure.
I drove back home feeling like the world is coming to an end passing along the way restaurant after restaurant filled with smiling happy patrons. These relaxed and composed people just can’t see the forest for the trees can they? A world wide famine knocking on their front door and they just step up to the counter and order their double cheese burgers and fries with barely a thought. I felt sorry yet jealous of their obliviousness to the crisis looming all around them. I finally reach my street and house and pull into my garage and finger the remote door closed. I’m already feeling better being closed away from the imminent grocery emergency lurking outside. I wrestle my bulk out of my vehicle and drag my ample food supply into my kitchen and proceed to restock my pantry. Wow, would you look at that? I’ve got ten boxes of cereal now and eight boxes of crackers! How did that happen? I can barely put cans of green beans away because the other thirty cans just take up too much space. I don’t even have any space in my fridge for my case of light beer with all the leftover boxes from restaurants littering the shelves inside. I CAN fit in my blocks of cheese though since they stack up nicely in neat groups of six. The rest of my groceries will just have to go into the basement backup refrigerator I guess. I am just so flustered with this cuisine crisis it’s extremely hard to concentrate on the task at hand. I haul the rest of my supplies to the basement as I mull over my worrisome day and almost trip over my dusty generator and five gas cans that I purchased back in 1999 for the upcoming Y2K disaster. That could have been a mess! Finally, I make it to my back up fridge and begin to shove my beer and other perishables unceremoniously into it with nary a thought until I try and close the door which won’t. So I have to rearrange the entire contents, which is no small feat, but finally the door shuts and I pop open a fresh can of my favorite light beer. Luckily I had three cases of it cold since my most recent purchase was rather warm from the ride home. I finally feel full, relaxed, and have the nasty outside world at bay. I even pull down a bag Doritos to munch on from the cluster of ten I have stashed in my “spare” pantry. Life seems better suddenly as the media driven food shortage fear abates as I chew away.
Eating always makes me reflect on things. And I begin to hope that others on the outside aren’t having it as bad as me! No fish sticks nor a deluxe potato and with the impending rice and food shortage slowly descending on us! I can feel my panic level rising so I pop another can of beer. It amazing what a little alcohol can do for you and your worries. And with that I stumble (just a little) back through the basement, trip over the gas cans and slam into my gun safe full of the guns and ammunition I bought, back in 2001, so that no one would steal my food and fuel during the soon to be upcoming biological terrorist attacks! This has been a bad day! No harm done though and it’s back upstairs to the fridge again for another can of beer and then on to my television to watch the news where I’ll try and be on top of the next crisis that’s sure to be just over the horizon. What will be the latest flavor of catastrophe for today I wonder as I settle in to my best leather chair with my Doritos, beer, and a dorm room sized fridge right next to me amply stocked with yet more beer and my favorite treats. So I sit and ponder the next dilemma as colorful negative images parade across the screen. The alcohol has now taken full effect and I’m covered with crumbs but my problems seem much further away if not totally gone. And with that I drift off into sleep having nightmares of being chased by baked potatoes and fish sticks who are throwing large handfuls of rice at me…………………………………