“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had…”
The sky is black above me; there are no stars this night, an omen of what I will become. Blue-grey lights swirl around me, and a deep nasty green surrounds me everywhere I look. My hair flows free, swirling around me in the silence, and my long skirt moves independently as if it was alive; it would be peaceful if it weren’t for the bursting need for air. But I’m stuck, I can’t move I can’t see what’s keeping me here, doomed to theses depths I struggle to keep calm. I see you, trying hard to free me, your suit completely ruined, material clinging to you, making it hard for you to move, your tie wrapped around your neck distracting you, and I see you fail again and again, though you continue to try. You look at me, desperation in your eyes, I will free you, they say to me, I will save you.
I cling desperately to your warmth, as I grow colder. I panic, bubbles rise from my gapping mouth, but I still cannot breathe, and I know if I try, there will be no hope. The water around us moves violently as you move around me, ripping clothes and tugging at my frail body, and more bubbles escape from around me, making me frightened, as for a few seconds I think more air has escaped through my stifled watery screams. My lungs feel like exploding and my chest feels like its collapsing in on its-self. Your image starts to fade before my eyes, your valiant attempts to find out why I’m stuck to the bottom of this watery world fail, as my head grows light and my body heavy. Tears form in my eyes and are lost in the water around me, I don’t want to leave you behind but I can’t focus, and can’t think, and the last thing I see is the light in your blue eyes as it fades in mine.
The darkness is consuming. It surrounds and suffocates with silent screaming; but it is also peaceful, there is no judgment here; no fat or thin, beauty or ugly, or intelligence or stupidity. I let go to whatever I was holding on to, I remember nothing, know not who I am or who I was, the darkness is soft, warm and inviting and I let it swallow me. I no longer exist yet I am everywhere. There is nothing here, and yet it does not feel empty, a place of infinite possibility. Beings long forgotten send their love and draw me in further into the murky darkness. It is terrifying, there is nothing, but there is something I cannot grasp beyond my reach that scares me, but it is also comforting, for reasons I no longer understand.
I hear a voice, muffled at first, interrupting my exploration of this place, it grows deeper, louder and more panicked and I realise I know it. I remember it, I love it above everything and it pulls me back toward things I have forgotten. I remember me, people I love and things I want to do. I cling to that voice and move away from the dark. The voice is saying my name over and over, and I want to tell it, I can hear you, I’m here, don’t panic, but I’m stuck in a heavy prison made of lead and stone surrounded by water, unable to move. Slowly I remember my body, my legs, my back, my arms, and I can feel a tingle of warmth, a breath of life, a hand resting on my cheek, your hand.
I gasp, my chest rising violently with a first intake of sweet tasting air, and my eye lids flutter open like butterfly wings and open wide with shock. I see you looking straight back into my soul as I roll onto my side and cough up water I did not mean to swallow. My weak limbs curl into themselves as I cling to myself, as reality comes crushing back down, and a deep gut wrenching sob breaks through my cold exterior. My eyes close as I try to forget, and you come to my rescue again, lifting me up roughly, desperately holding me close, tightly to your chest, your tears warm in my hair as you keep my cold body close. I feel your love, your fear, your determination and you exhaustion as you whisper to me, reminding me of the love we have, I thought I’d lost you, I thought you were gone. I cannot speak, but my heart sings out to you and I know someone inside you, you hear me; you will never lose me, so long as you want me, I will never be gone.
© Strawberries 2011
I havent written anything for a while, but heres something new for you. its part of a dream i had, and its been haunting me ever since