Please read… (because if you take the time to look at this piece, you really need to understand my thoughts behind it – plus, it took me a long time to write it, so I would seriously appreciate it if you’d read it)…

This piece speaks to a lot of issues: inner-turmoil, self-hatred, denial, having a stubborn nature that consistently refuses to see reason, being exasperated with one’s self and one’s own stupidity. It’s about the very real argument that goes on, daily, inside myself…

when I KNOW, I can see, that I am being irrational and thinking things that just aren’t right… but, I can’t help it. And, I refuse to listen… even to myself! I hold onto the lies instead of grasping the truth that I – and others – try to make me see.

This piece isn’t meant to be “pretty”. I have purposely left my figure “flaws” in here. My self-image is one of the issues that brings me much turmoil. So, I didn’t sugarcoat or try to hide or fix those things like I do in so many of my other artworks – my, sadly, more popular pieces of artwork…

(please forgive my overuse of the ellipsis (…), but this is one on running-conglomeration-stream of a thought)

Now, I’m not sad that any of my art is popular. It’s just that it does sometimes gall me that the pieces where I have done all the “fixing” so that my body is closer to what society accepts as “beautiful” are the pieces that get more attention and praise. I would like to think that the members of RedBubble were above buying into the line of bull the media throws at us. Alas… even though we have those few out there who champion the cause of “real women” (and men!), it isn’t enough to turn the tide…

So, no, this isn’t what many will call pretty. All some will see is a middle aged woman, with a badly proportioned body, who is trying to be “arty”. They will choose to see my belly that sticks out too far, and completely miss (what I think is) the lovely side cleavage view of some pretty decent boobs (despite the overly large gut). No, they aren’t big – if they were, I’d be more in proportion and could tout myself as a “full figured” or “big and beautiful” lady…but, as it is, I have no category to fit my unconventional shape – but (the boobs, that is) are nice (even I can see that!)…and, even though this isn’t “pretty”, I had to admit (as much as I live in constant turmoil over my shape), I liked the way the light hit my cleavage (on the me on the left of the image)! I may be disgusted with the swell of stomach beneath them, but I really like the look of the swell of my breasts inside (and peeking out from) my knitted top!

Hear that, Me? I like them!!!

Of course… I won’t listen to myself. I will only see the bad, and push away the good…

…like I do with everything! It’s not just about my shape – it’s about everything there is about me…and everything there is about everything!

And, it’s constant… from the moment I get up in the morning until I finally, mercifully, fall asleep at night. In fact, sleep (and reading sometimes…if I can get really engrossed) is the only way to escape for a while. Sex is a good escape, as well… but sometimes, even that, because of its very nature, will get me worrying about things that start off an inner-turmoil session… but, for the most part, sex is good (very good) because it is so engaging and overwhelming to the senses that it makes for medication from this chronic condition. In fact, the more sex the better, because lack of sex would be much more worrisome than getting it often (and, when I say often, I mean at least once a day, every day… oh, but I digress…and this is probably TMI… oh well… it will be interesting to see if anyone even bothers to read this all the way through…but, I still had to write it)…

I envy those of you who do not have this constant turmoil raging within you – those of you who won’t get this image at all. Oh, I envy you!

But, there are many who will get this – many of you will understand it perfectly.

If nothing else… well, it shows how good I am with Photoshop… when you look at how I look here and then compare those where I did “fix” my body.

But, I mostly did this piece for me anyway; it’s one of those “therapy in the form of art” things. I had the idea come to me last night… I saw this image in my mind: the two of me standing there, the one of me saying, “OOOOHHHHH, LISTEN HERE, YOU…U’m, I mean, ME! LISTEN HERE, ME! YOU STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT, MISSUS!”, and, the other me doing the “talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening” thing.

As I was putting it together in Photoshop and adding texture, I decided to add the crack in the wall…an added bit of symbolism there: the split, the schism in me.

There was a lot of hue-adjustment in this, along with the use of “curves” and different layering options, to get the tones I wanted.

Overall… I’m really pleased and proud of this piece, and thus it sees the light of day. And, hoping against hope, perhaps it will remind me to listen to the truth more often… (heh, even once in a great while would be helpful!) – that I would accentuate the positive… that, maybe, one of these days, instead of doing the “talk to the hand” bit, I might just stop and actually get a grip on myself!