August, my 23rd year… I went out to find companionship the only way i knew how. I have yet to return home in any form I understand.
Half way though the night, existence disappeared from view, followed only by brief moments of clarity – staring out of my car’s windshield, flashing lights, a comment somewhere about “I’m so drunk”, my car in a ditch, blood alcohol 0.32, the hospital, charcoal, public mental health facility, and then awaking on a hard bed to face a seven day hold for mental health evaluation. Returning home for a night before cops came to the door serving two warrants – DWI and reckless driving. Two days in lock up. A court date. Probation – two years. Revoked driving privileges – just one.
July, my 25th year… my case expires soon – no more parole officer. Still no license. I guess I’m a bit afraid at this point… I haven’t left my house (other than for PO appointments or my psychiatrist, in the passenger seat) since that night long ago.
Not really, at least.
Perhaps I’m afraid. Most certainly, I’m conditioned. Conditioned to living in solitude. Not sure what I want anymore… no longer aware of construction and roadwork.
MIssing, perhaps. Or maybe just hiding.
Not really sure…
Of what to do now…
Paul Compton, 2 months ago
An honest and sorrowful piece. Uncertainty is in all of us, as is fear, so you are not alone. You are a strong person Gordon and it’s in your nature to rise up and rebuild. I have faith in you. Thank you for your words.
deliriousgirl, 2 months ago
A courageous piece to write! Just learn to take small steps, perhaps a little bit of change every once in a while toward a centralized goal that you want in your life. The foremost and finest thing you have done is to realize that you have a problem. And yes, I’ve been off alcohol for over 16 years now. If you dream of the life that you want, it will surely, slowly become the life that you have.
JOSEPH VALCOUR..., 2 months ago
this too shall pass. have faith in your heart and soul. you are alive. breathe. love.
linaji, 2 months ago
Wow full circle dear one!! Sober 10 years.. 20s a mess for me.. you are rapidly feeling your way back to YOU!
Amber Elizabet..., 2 months ago
The crazy thing about addictions is we always feel alone when active and when inactive finding peace supportive friend in like kind we find that YOUR story is MY STORY we are never alone and in this finding we heal bless ya G:):):) you are not either and neither me blessssssings and BIG HUGGGGGGGGGGGGS