silentcries

Ummm.. hello again….? O.O”

First thing first.. I’m not back. not yet.. well, i’m back, sorta.. but not really back back.. as in, i’m not yet my normally cheery cheeky self. i don’t know how long will it take for me to be really back, commenting and fav-ing, but i’ll work hard!! X)

To all who’ve been worried about me, i’m so so so sorry!! i know i can’t apologize enough for my weird disappearance from RB, and my lack of replies on all your wonderful comments.. and also my lack of comments.. i’m truly truly sorry.

I’ve been basically down all these time, since September.. down.. sorta down, yea.. umm.. how do i explain.. umm.. ok, i’ll write a from the start thing, so this journal will be lengthy so yea.. Oo”

Basically i once had a major major breakdown last Sep 2007. it was pretty bad. i sooooo wanted to have myself admitted into the hospital to get away from life and to avoid hurting anyone. i was that close to really hurting someone.. in my mind, i was fighting and struggling not to harm anyone. not to harm myself. i was presented with horrible ugly images of how i wanted to really really really hurt the someone who’s hurting me mentally and emotionally. but my brother managed to get home on time to save me. God bless him.

So what happened in 2008 this year was that.. i managed to last through the past 1yr with no more major breakdowns.. i’ve worked hard and i’ve managed to control myself enough not to have any breakdown for a year. and i was proud of myself. until a few days after the 1yr anniversary that that same someone said something nasty again and voila, there goes my clean records of no major breakdowns~ pfft..

Someone you truly care for and respect and love suggested that i behave properly or i’d be caught by the mental hospital and dragged away and locked up.. it’s basically a big huge insult and jab to me.. biiiiiiiig.. it’s like.. “what the hell makes her think i’d go into hysteria?!” big.. it’s like a vampire being stabbed in the heart big. it’s sorta, the worst words i’ve heard.. i couldn’t ask for anything more blunt. it’s as good as saying, “watch it, mad woman. you’ll be caught one day”. oooO.. typing this brings back the pain on my chest.. annoying..

the last tv drama didn’t help educate that lady either. the drama suggested that anyone having depression will go into hysteria and will attempt to kill themselves and will be full of anxiety and hysteria stuffs..

honestly, receiving such comments makes me wanna try just do that and give her what she wants. but stubborn lil me won’t give her what she wants. she’ll have to work harder at tormenting me mentally if she wants me to go into hysteria.

So yea.. basically after that hurtful episode, i sorta thought i managed to get over it, but i thought wrong i guess. i tried to get back on RB, to comment and fav works.. but i couldn’t do much cos i’ve been feeling moody. i don’t want to leave a half-hearted comment – especially when i know that i’d be responding to the piece for cheerfully if i weren’t feeling moody.

i’ve received so many kind bmails and emails from you guys.. Midori-sama.. Ellen.. Lisa.. Christelle.. Lori.. iAN.. Tom.. Julie.. Rory.. Gillian.. Vestque.. GG.. argh!!! there’s so many of you lovely people out there bmailing and commenting and being so nice to me, i’m so sorry for disappearing!!

there’s so many kind comments on my SilentCries gallery too!! You guys are too kind!! am not complaining, but really really really thank you all!!

i’m so sorry i haven’t manage to reply to you guys.. Basically i’ve been feeling moody, and can’t bring myself to reply.. i am not my usual cheerful childish self, and i’d feel bad to tell you guys am not ok cos i think it’s not too big a problem still and yet it held me down so much..

Basically i planned to reply to all the comments and bmails and emails only after i’ve gotten myself back up. OO”

i am so so sorry.. i know i must have worried some of you guys.. though seriously, there’s no need to worry for me, am nothing! as in.. there’s no need to worry for me.. how do i say this.. i’ve dealt with crappy people all my life, so i will be ok. i will not go into hysteria, i will not be dragged away in straight jacket, i will not kill myself and i will not kill others. ^{cough cough..}

i would like to thank Karin for reminding me that i haven’t been replying to anything for a long time and that includes personal bmails and emails.. i honestly didn’t realize i’ve been withdrawing myself. i just thought i’m just procrastinating to answering bmails and emails..

I’ve been drawing and playing on my wacom the last 3days.. immersing myself into drawing and sketching, hoping to purge out any negative feelings in me.

here’s my first try at sketching with wacom..

it’s really fun.. and now i’m trying to color with a wacom.. will show you guys once it’s done.. it’s a little guy, by the name of Kenny… he’s very young and very quiet.. he cries easily. he loves to be carried and hugged. X) he’ll be done a 2-3 days i guess..

To those who love silly lil jokes, my bro helped came up with the words for these two tees (will make them available here soon i guess)..

Last but not least, thank you so so much to the mystery buyer of SUSHI!!!
sold on 7th Oct

Major Thank You to JakkiO for purchasing Paint Yourself! Card

And Thank You to the latest mystery buyer of I Love Me – Have You Loved Yourself Today? Card!!

Thank you so much to RB for featuring I Love Me – Have You Loved Yourself Today? in the Art section!! X)