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"Gone"

When Hatori Himekawa comes home late one night to find his brother Hiroshi and father Kinji murdered and his sister Kyoka seriously injured and left for dead, he must try and cope as she is taken away to a mental hospital and he has no choice but to leave his traditional family home in Kanagawa, Japan and live with his local friend Nobuki.

Events take a more sinister turn when Hatori is stalked by who he believes holds the answer to his family’s murders. When the indistinguishable presence pestering Hatori begins attacking his friends, Hatori has no choice but to hunt down and confront those responsible, but what he discovers is more chilling than he could imagine and everything he has ever known is thrown into turmoil as he discovers there is no one in this life he can trust – not even himself.

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This is just like a blurb for one of my finished and copyrighted novels. I know I haven’t given much away with this short piece, but I’d really really love some feedback. Thanks =)

P.S you can find the first chapter of this novel on my profile.

Current full version;
7th draft
133,135 words

All images shown are owned by the artists and should NOT be replicated or used in any way without the owners permission first.

Dead as a Dodo

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Comments

  • TheWanderingBoo
    TheWanderingBooalmost 5 years ago

    wow, sounds great…

  • Thank you =)

    – Dead as a Dodo Limited

  • Cornelia (Conny) Haiber
    Cornelia (Conn...almost 5 years ago

    he discovers there is no one in this life he can trust – not even himself.

    Love this line! Reminds me of a situation I’ve been in somewhen …

    Makes me wondering how the story continues!

    :-))) Conny

  • Thank you so much! I’ve been working on this project for so long, I’ve just become so totally immersed in it, that I’m not sure how appealing it is to outside readers. Thanks again =)

    – Dead as a Dodo Limited

  • Jason D. Laderoute
    Jason D. Lader...almost 5 years ago

    I am eager to see this develop, I like the mystery you have begun to unfold, the promise of some action, a hunt, revenge, tragedy you have a great start to something that has some good potential for a gripping story Clair ;O)

  • Thank you so very much. I really do appreciate positive (or criticising) feedback.
    I do lack confidence in my work and I wasn’t sure about posting some on here, but these comments have been such a boost that I’m tempted to put up more so thank you once again for your opinion as it means so much to me =)

    – Dead as a Dodo Limited

  • Pagly4u
    Pagly4ualmost 5 years ago

    A very intriguing piece Please post more…….well done…well written…….hugs……

  • Thank you so much! I have posted the first ‘chapter’ aswell if you’ve read that yet? I am eager to post more, but I’ve sent this story to a publisher and I’m currently awaiting feedback, so I want to be careful how much I post online until I hear back, but I can’t explain how much it means to me that people like the sound of my story from just this extract. If I get published, you can all have a copy! hugs

    – Dead as a Dodo Limited

  • aaeiinnn
    aaeiinnnover 4 years ago

    claire-louise thankyou for submitting this to bloopers
    i just added it and come now to find possitive comment from trisha and jason
    now let me add my critique
    you certainly have me wondering and wanting more of the story
    big question being
    why can he not trust even himself?????? wow
    my only suggestion to you is
    try to cut it down a little [i mean number of words while retaining content]..make it tighter… i think that will create a more ‘snappy’ piece
    maybe try rearranging the order of the information .. could give more initial impact for example if you begin…
    ….sister admitted to mental institution following horrific injuries when left for dead beside their murdered parents…
    hope this helps
    xx annie

  • Thank you so very much!
    You’re critique is wonderful and extermely helpful. Writing synopsis’ and blurbs are still my mortal enemy when it comes to promoting my novels so it’s definately great to hear what people think. I very much agree with you that’s it’s a little too wordy for a ‘blurb’ type extract but it is difficult deciding what content to include without giving too much away and condensing that down to something short and edgy.
    I very much like your suggestion;
    …sister admitted to mental institution following horrific injuries when left for dead beside their murdered parents
    and with your permission, I’d love to use it in a re-drafted version of this blurb as your suggestion has inspired me to re-write it and a flood of different ideas has now come to mind.
    Once again, thank you very very much for this. This is for my first novel that I have now sent to publishers, so it’s helpful hearing suggestions and comments from people xx =)

    – Dead as a Dodo Limited

  • JaniceMachado
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