How the *bubble* has changed my life...
It was a cold December night in Missouri; I felt like I was the only one still breathing. My only company was the whispers of ghosts in my head. I had forgotten how to feel anything other than remorse. Grief had implanted itself into my feet and slowly wound itself around every other part of my being, choking out any possibility for other feelings.
You see, I was losing myself. I am a needed person – mother of 3, with a group of family and friends that look to me for many things. By day I had to be the mother, friend, and sister that I always was. I had no choice but to get out of bed and do what I had to do; much like the lonely lamp post at the end of my street, it comes on every night at dusk, whether it wants to or not. Nobody asks if it wants to shine – they expect it and so shine it does.
Inside of myself I was bleeding pain. You see, in November of 2008 I lost one of the most important people in my life. Her name is Hillarie, she was only 19, and she was my beautiful niece. We were closer than a typical aunt/niece relationship, as she spent much of her life with me.
Hillarie was diagnosed with a heart problem when she was 1 ½ years old. We were told she wouldn’t have a long life, as her condition was extremely rare. When she was 6 she had a pacemaker installed. When she was 9 we received the greatest gift of all – a new heart. I say ‘we’ because while the heart was to keep her going, she kept us going.
Experiences like this make you see life in a different way. It makes you much more sensitive to the little things that make life so wonderful. But with time, you take it for granted that person will be there. It is hard for your mind to accept there isn’t a ‘tomorrow’. We had so many tomorrows. Hillarie grew into a beautiful, creative young woman wise beyond her years.
But last fall we received terrible news; Hillarie was in rejection. Long story short, after a few months of declining health and way of life, we lost her. Somehow, with all this history, the loss was still unexpected. She had been in rejection before and came out of it. In fact, this was her history, to beat the odds. I wanted to believe this would be the case again. But she was tired this time. She told her friend in secret that she was ready to go. Knowing this, afterwards, killed me – especially knowing that she knew… and that she didn’t tell me.
On that cold December night, I was plundering the internet looking for anything to quiet my mind. It was more of a perfunctory experience than anything else. I came across some digital art that blew me away and I had to see more of this artists work. He had a link to his RedBubble portfolio. This moment was the lifejacket that kept me from drowning.
I have been experiencing RedBubble for almost a year now. I can honestly say that RedBubble has had a profound impact on my life and changed me in many ways. There is a significant piece of me that was resurrected because of my experience here; I found the parts of me that had disappeared.
Along the way I also found bits and pieces that I had lost years before from neglecting myself. You see, I wrote my first poem when I was 6 years old. While it wasn’t an Emily Dickinson, writing has been an essential part of who I am since I can remember. Despite this, being a working mom took its toll – I hadn’t written in 5 years at all, and the 5 years prior to that were somewhat bulimic…. Periods of a few days trying to write months worth of thoughts down on paper to make up for the many months of not writing at all.
While I will always have a hole in my heart with Hillarie’s name on it, finding the Bubble reminded me of the beauty in life and that it’s my responsibility to do and see as much as possible for both her and my own children.
I decided to journal this as a preface for the next scribblings I’ll be sharing. I plan on writing regularly to share with you things and people on the Bubble that inspire me. I want my fellow Bubblers to understand how profoundly their art and their friendship have affected me. This isn’t just a place to come and spend some time looking at pretty things. My soul has grown and I have sprouted wings from the community that resides here. I have a thankful heart, and I feel much appreciation for the gifts I have been given, the resources that have allowed my ache to be soothed, and the outlet provided to spill my ink and share my thoughts.
I love the Bubble and hope to see all of you for years to come.
Patty Jo
In loving memory of Hillarie Dawn Horine
Del Millar
Love you Patty Jo. And reading your fine pieces.
Thank you for your sharing.
This image of your niece is so very beautiful. A look to last eternally.
oxo
ShadowDancer replied
Del – you are such an inspiring and uplifting person, your poetry is always the right medicine at the right time, for me. I’m so glad that I came across your bubble page and started a friendship with you. I hope to keep sharing with you for years to come. xxx
Lisa Jewell
Oh my,
I’ve goosebumps and tears rolling into each other.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, so very difficult and painful.
I too have changed since joining RB, and so many wonderful and painful things have occurred during my time here.
to find my voice and write again
cannot be measured.
I am so glad to know you and experience your work and all the work of so many fine creators.
Much love,
Lisa xox
ShadowDancer replied
Miss Lisa Jewell,
I came across you pretty early in my journey here. My breath was taken from the first line of yours I read. You are truly one of the best writers I’ve had the privilege to meet – don’t take that compliment lightly please. What astounds me about you, however, is how you are so relatable, sincere, down-to-earth, and modest. You are super classy and completely lovable. I have enjoyed so much watching your own journey on here along with mine, and hope that we continue to cross paths for a long time.
Love,
Pj xx
annamora
thank you for sharing this … love and best wishes to you
Anna
ShadowDancer replied
Anna, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your time and comment greatly, and I look forward to seeing you more as we make our way through the pages.
Trenchtownrock
You are so amazing in this piece..so open and free with your words…I love your honesty and the journey with your words…I remembered the time and day when I decided to start writing again after stopping because I was pissed off at the world and other bullcrap…I remembered the situation that caused me to pickup the pen again after years of feeling bitter…this is such a moving piece..you really brought a little piece of you into this write…thank you for sharing this and for giving me a chance to reflect on my journey..I am thankful you are here..I am happy that I joined the bubble…meeting spirits like yours have made me grow.
ShadowDancer replied
Chris,
I have to say that your comment, like your writing in general, has swirled around my soul like pixie dust, allowing me to fly. I suppose all artists stop and start at times; the piece in us that makes us creative is such a moody beast. I’m so proud that this also allowed you to think about your own path, which is one of the reasons I posted this in the first place. We all have our journeys to make, and thank goodness we get to cross paths and inspire each other along the way. You are quickly becoming one of my favorite people on here and I can’t wait to read the next page you lay down. xxx
Roy Wilkins
thank you very much for sharing this.
ShadowDancer replied
Roy, I want to thank you for visiting and sharing part of my journey. I hope you enjoyed this and will see you around. :)
Shanina Conway
Hillarie must have had such a special spirit, even when she was prepared to go she left you with a special gift to find and express yourself. Beautiful child.
ShadowDancer replied
Shanina – she was a very beautiful person, truly unique. Even at her funeral the funeral director cried – he had never met her, but he said the funeral was the most touching he had ever seen. What a tribute to that special soul. Thank you for your comment, I am truly touched. xxxx
(p.s. my 3 yr old daughter LOVES your avatar – she always wants to touch it when she sees it)
Earthmonster
Yes, thanks for sharing a little bit of yourself with us.
ShadowDancer replied
Thank you neighbor, this kind of sharing is what makes the bubble so special. xxx
marieangel
This is a beautiful write I am going to read more of your work now and rest assured it was no per….chance you found the bubble as a life line I know one little angel that had something to do with that tapestry coming togethere smile xox Being part of the Bubble has helped my jorney too of grief and loss ..see my angel brother and art work and poen no time to say p.s. I love you brave woman YOUR NOT ALONE AND MANY ON HERE want to share support and help well done x
ShadowDancer replied
marie, I will definitely check out your work. thank you truly for visiting my page and reading this journal. i, like you, believe things happen as they should. thank you so much for supporting a stranger, what a beautiful tribute to your own angel. xx
Cassidy JK (Ra...
Beautifully told story of how she touched your life and helped you find your way here to us. May her memory live in your heart forever. xoxo
ShadowDancer replied
Cassidy, thank you for sharing the journey with me. You have been a beautiful part to helping me heal and find the beautiful things again. Thank you for your friendship, you’re super special.
Helene Kippert
Thanks so much for sharing your moving story – hugs and blessings
ShadowDancer replied
Helene, it’s so wonderful that you stopped by and read this. Thank you. It makes me happy to hear that you found it moving, and I so appreciate your support. xx
Pj
linaji
My Darling Friend… You really have touched me deep with this telling.. not only from the fact that I could not imagine my life without my ‘girl Alanna’ who is my brothers daughter but the fact that you feel so close to looking at this place as a life savor and somehow completely instrumental in adding a missing part to your life.. I am so honored to have you as friend and Co Creator here and in my heart …
xxxxx
ShadowDancer replied
You know, Lina, I could write a lifetime just about that girl that touched me so deeply. She was a magical girl and so many grieve her. It was hard to reduce this story to what it is. I’m glad the gist of what I was feeling came across. I know that you also have a special relationship with your niece. I remember fondly the beautiful pictures of her.
This place really did bring light back to my soul. I can truly say you are my favorite person on here and I’m so happy to have found you. Even if we had never had private off-site conversations, even if I knew you only by your writing, the affect on my soul would still have been profound. Thank you for sharing your own soul story on here, and for writing with your own blood spilled from your veins.. it has been a beautiful ride to watch, and has helped me grow with you. Keep doing what you are doing. You are inspiring so many people. You’re truly one-of-a-kind, and I love you.
xxxx
linaji
wow what a beautiful slip.. saver.. not savor.. but I do so savor my joy here with people like you.. xxx
ShadowDancer replied
beautiful indeed.. saver and savor both. i’m so appreciative for these gifts i have been given, and you are part of that. xxx
cosimopiro
You are not ShadowDancer, you are LightBringer. You have touched me on a level that stays hidden from the world for many people. The world of grief can be a very lonely place. A place where no words can describe the heartache and loss to give solace. I have lived there my self for many years and now revisit as time passes for others I love. I relate fully to you for your loss and for the gratefullness for the love and support of family and friends…..in particular the “strangers” on Red Bubble who have become great support and friends. I wish you well, I wish you love, I wish you peace. Good cheers ‘LightBringer’
ShadowDancer replied
cosimopiro – true grief is much like childbirth. you think you can imagine what it’s like, and you think you can relate, but you have no idea until it really happens to you. you speak from a deep place of wisdom and i can see how you’ve been where i’ve been. thank you truly for such a supportive and beautiful comment. i feel so thankful for the comfort you bring to me, and i am honored to know this really touched you. i will keep this forever in my heart. xx
Moshe Cohen
This is very moving, I admire your courage Patty.
I am sorry for your loss.
I joined redbubble on March 2008, and this is one of the best things I did.
This wonderful supportive community helped me so much in developing my creativity and exploring new things.
It is now part of my life.
About 2 months ago my siste-in-law and dear friend passed away and my friends in the bubble really helped me.
ShadowDancer replied
Moshe, it is so uplifting to hear others experiences on the bubble and how they were also touched and inspired by being here. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and please know that i truly understand the depth of pain experienced from such a loss. i wish you to always remember your sister-in-law and cherish the time you had with her. it’s so nice to come across your path in this great community.
Alex Gardiner
I wrote this to you recently; as a comment;
See, I told you so. I am not often wrong. She did grow up to be a beautiful lassy. Your husband is clever, wise, and lucky, to have this little lass as his wife.
A great and lovely image.
I would like to add not only is your husband clever and wise but he has beautiful wife and companion who is not only compassionate, wise and clever but also a creative and inventive Artist ,who is most welcome in this Red Bubble community in which she is an enormous asset.
You have dug deep today and in doing so “Hillarie Dawn Horine” will be in our thoughts and memories. I never use this Scottish phrase lightly but I say to you; “Here’s tay yea – there’s nane like yea”.
Alex The Auld Yin.
ShadowDancer replied
Alex, what a wonderfully supportive person you are. We have just recently met here and yet I am always smiling when I see your comments, you seem like an old friend I’ve known for years. I truly appreciate you and thank you from the depths of my inner being.
gemini63
Thank you for sharing this journey with us best wishes to you :))
ShadowDancer replied
thank you as well, gemini, for taking the time to read this and show your warm wishes and support. ((hugs))
Appel
I have just read this for the first times as a result of it being shared on the RB community – I am sure you will get many, more comments and shared thoughts as a result. Like the others, this has touched me. I have not had the sorrowful experience that you have but my thoughts and prayers go out to you, and that’s not said lightly,. I have been amazed at the friendships that have developed on RB – what a great place!! You have an incredible talent for expressing yourself and I thank-you for sharing. I look forward to seeing more of your work! Take care!
~Ann
ShadowDancer replied
Ann – I think your comment is a shining example of why this journal became so popular… whether we’ve experienced the same challenges or not, something deep has brought us all to the bubble. everyone seems a little amazed at the support and friendships that get fostered here and it’s really inspiring. i’m so happy that you took the time to read this, and thank you so much for leaving such a wonderful comment.
Lenka
Touching… I can’t write that nicely, but as a mother to three, I can very much understand…
Best wishes, Lenka
ShadowDancer replied
Lenka, you don’t need to write much to write something touching. Thank you truly for such a supportive and wonderful comment. ((hugs))
msdebbie
Dear Patty Jo, I cannot tell you how moving I find this piece of writing. I understand the heartbreak of rejection following a transplant, but like you, believe that words can heal us – and the support of the bubble is an amazing place for such healing. Yesterday I was trying to figure out a way I could write something similar – and even though I’m nowhere close to what you’ve written, here’s the link. Wishing you much love, laughter and happy memories xoxo
ShadowDancer replied
msdebbie – you are so absolutely right – it is a place of healing. And I suppose we are all part of it. Thank you for sharing the link, I will definitely check it out. I look forward to sharing comments and stories as we continue to bubble along. xxx Pj
bellmusker
Everything about this journal shows us the great courage and light that you have inside you, even if it’s sometimes seems so out of reach. I’m so sorry for your loss, and if this amazing community helps to comfort and inspire you, then I’m so very happy you found it. For me, too, this site has helped me heal in many, many ways; it’s changed my outlook, and done so much for my writing. I can’t quite remember what I did without it, to be honest!
Thank you for sharing your journey; all the light in the world to you.
ShadowDancer replied
Bell, I must say I was somewhat taken aback by the response I have gotten from this journal. It goes to show what a remarkable thing it is to find a place that allows freedom of expression and art, and the ability to interact and socialize with those that inspire us. I have often read your own writing and journals that describe your experience meeting fellow bubblers and making lifelong friends… they are also testimonials to this healing you mention. Your writing is breathtaking, by the way, and I always look forward to your next post, and while we never really had conversations, simply following your art has been an inspiration to me. Thank you for taking the time to read my little journal, I so appreciate your comment.
Isa Rodriguez 21 days ago
i now know you more because of the heartbeats here. so glad to meet yu .. what a heart wrenching but glorious story here.. thanks for sharing such pains and triumphs.. for Hilary..and you ..
jillijude1 21 days ago
hugs xxxxx sooo beautifully written, and rings sooo many bells , i can empathise hugs xxxx