Love, Wrath, and Methamphetamines

Your voice comes through deep and broken by drink, drugs and static from thousands of miles away and i feel my guts turning over and twisted as i struggle with what to say.
Those people, the ones who tell you that a heart can actually ache? i always thought it was so much romantic bullshit.
But when i see your face in my mind, four years-old and smiling, waving blue balloons and chasing me down the street in front of our old apartment – as that incongruous image mixes in my head with the sound of your fucked-up, drug-addled, painfully sad voice – i feel it.

I’m afraid you’re going to die.

You, with your pale-gold hair and beautifully difficult poetry, your nimble fingers on the guitar strings, your half-smile and arched-eyebrow (which you got from me)…
Every time my phone rings and that area code comes up, ‘415’, my stomach tightens and i reach for my cigarettes.

The conversation is always a variation on a theme – a sort of Mobius-Loop of addiction-violence-jail-regret-detox-addiction.
You got into a fight. You’ve been arrested. You’ve been burned in a deal. You need money.
When you hang up, i go to the bathroom to splash my face with water, so nobody sees i’ve been crying, and am shocked at the sudden bloom of dark, purple circles beneath my eyes.

Which i deserve, beyond any shadow of a doubt.
You are my child, and i failed to protect you.
I failed you.

And now, the only saviour left is you, sweet boy. I don’t know how to love you anymore – every word i say, every letter written, every dollar sent – it simply vanishes with the voracious appetite of your addiction.
It’s devoured our family – and i feel like an insect sucked dry of all its meat.
I can only imagine how you must feel.
And i still love you. For all the good it does…

What can i say?
I love you.
I miss you.
I want you to come home.
But i don’t know where you have gone. You aren’t you anymore.
And me? I don’t even know who i am anymore.

And i don’t know if i’ll ever find either of us again.

Love, Wrath, and Methamphetamines by 


For Hunter


Comments

  • Mark Ramstead
    Mark Ramsteadalmost 5 years ago

    I know something about this type of thing…

  • Firesands
    Firesandsalmost 5 years ago

    Wow…… excellent writing that sadly applies to so many people ….

  • evitaoz
    evitaozalmost 5 years ago

    this is beautiful, shocking and sad. Unfortunatley many of us know someone we love or care about stumbling to the evil tune of addiction. thank you for sharing and strength to you and your child!

  • Elizaday
    Elizadayalmost 5 years ago

    Wow, many years ago I know thats EXACTLY how my mother felt about me.

  • hsien-ku
    hsien-kualmost 5 years ago

    i am just skinned alive reading this – such a strong voice, such a horrifying situation. no mother should be in a place like this, i wonder at a universe that can create personal infernos like this. i am reminded of goethe’s mephistopheles who tell faust that when we rise above ourselves it is because of our suffering and not in spite of it . . . but, then again, he wasn’t a mother so what the hell could he know about suffering?

  • Tahnja
    Tahnjaalmost 5 years ago

    the kind of turmoil this would wreak upon you would be absolutely horrible. I don’t feel there is anything I can say. I wouldn’t want to sound condescending in any way but rather to offer my heart and my understanding from one mother to another…..

  • mscott207
    mscott207almost 5 years ago

    absolutely gut wrenching writing zoe…all i can say, and pray for, is that you both make your way through it…to find both of you. love to you

  • Marg Thomson Photography
    Marg Thomson P...almost 5 years ago

    ouch ouch ouch Zoe…. xoxox

  • missyjennyb
    missyjennybalmost 5 years ago

    Powerful writing, I’ve been through all of this with my own son, so it really hits a nerve, thankfully following ten years of addiction, he’s finally decided to choose to ‘live’, has a new job and a new girlfriend… so I hold my breath and hope for the best. Meth is a bitch of a drug, a real soul killer… All the best to you and your son, it’s a tough road for sure…

  • diLuisa Photography
    diLuisa Photog...almost 5 years ago

    I felt every single one of your lines…….this really knocked me off my feet. I have an immediate family member battling an addiction at the moment, and it really does tear the entire family apart. This made me feel sick and angry and sad and helpless……very powerful and emotive writing. Thank you for having the courage to share it. So much love and strength to you.
    Luisa xx

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