im sick of keeping quiet, im having my say. im 23 im around 11 weeks pregnant and pocible now suffering from the on set of depression because of what has happened. i cant do anything i stay in bed all day and if im not crying im sleeping. everyone (parents and family) is very worryed bout me and a few select friends also seem concerened but the one person i wish was conserned bout me doesnt seem to give a crap.
it all started bout a week ago when he broke up woth me so i went home for the day that night he turned round and said he was sorry even went as for as saying he wanted to marry me, so i said ok and we got back together i went home early next day and we spend the rest of the say together then on the saturday i worked at the pub all day till 7 and expected to spend some time with him how ever this never happened he was spending time with his friends (fine youd think) how ever the night he broke up with me he also happened to mention that this friend was quite interested in him and he was also interested in her. id put this to the back of my mind and thoguht nothing more of it when we were back together however later that same night he decided he wanted to go to the club (gas works) i said i wasnt really interested but later changed my mind then to find in actual fact he didnt want me to go in the same instance he also informed me that he didnt want me anymore that the reason hed said the stuff the night before was he was upset and also that he felt guilty that he was with me for the wrong reasons. there and then my life shattered and my hear broke into a thousend pices.
i went home and started to pack as he had already decided he was going out so he went. then he came in with the girl his ex and another friend i had to stand there listening and over hearing them bitch about my celulite and other such things (beringin mind they arent exactly the thinest creatures in the world and i hapend to be pregnant and already showing) not olnly that but i decided to go for a walk only to find when i got back all 4 were in the bedroom meaning i had to sleep on the sofa, sunday cam and with that my parents to pick up my things i wasnt going to stay some where i obviously wasnt wanted! after tehy left i went out for a few hours then came back , i got a txt from an ex who had come to pick up his clothes so i went down to dorp them of, i spent 3 hourse talking to him. fair enough it was a long time but we still wanted to stay friendly (althoguht now im not sure that is a good idea) as i re entered the flat he was sat on the sofa looking very upset and dispondant ( i think thats the right word in this context) he then spent hours begging me to try again and he would never hurt me. i was so upset and angry that i guess wasnt relly thinking and kept saying no to him ( regretably wishing now how ever i hadnt) the following morning he also precisted begging and pleading. i was very unwell and had had a bad night on the sofa again. so i fell asleep still upset and annoyed at what he had done and the way he’d behaved to ward me. so again i said no. i fell asleep for a number of house and he started again. then saying maybe i should leave. i said i would leave when i was ready he then turned nasty and said how i didnt live there any more and that i was only a guest. at which i stud up got my stuff together and walked out. he came running after me. once again even more annoyed than before i wouldnt reason with him and kept walking. i soon after left crying my heart out on the train.
a day later i was at home more miserable than id ever been before , “why me why does it always happen to me” i thought to my self. i was so confused and started questioning everything the pregnancy weather it was right to get a termination weather it was right to leave like i did, stupidly i thought id metion it to him and i got the bigest shock of my life pure rage. he told me to never contact him again and slamed the phone down.
so its a week later i have a consultation tomorrow with the hospital to get this thing out of me. and im still in as bad a stat as ever. i cant eat all i want to do is sleep. my blood preasure is so low my parents are worryed i might colaps. all i do is sit/ lay in bed crying and talking to ppl on the inernet. i have nothing left im a broken woman, ive loast my flat , ive lost the man i loved so dearly and still do but was to afraid to do anything incase he changed his mind again. ive lost my ob that took me fore ever to find and was perfect for me. and ive lost a lot of good friends . so what do i do now. every one tells me to pick up the pices and move on but this time i dont want to get on with life i want to cry and i want to feel shit and i want this baby dead and gon becuese it has ruined my life.
i dont want simpathy i dont want sorrow from any one all i want is one thing that i cant have a simple life with everything back to how it was with him. i could deal with all the shit and piss taking that was nothing in conparison to what i feel now. ive cryed so much my eyes actually hurt.
so if your reading this and you feel bad for me dont, look at your own life and be happy that you have something too look forward to. that you have a sun or daughter that you love dearly that you have some one important in your life to share your life with be happy. because i cant be.
and for thoes that know me and know what/who im talking bout thank him for the best 3 months of my life i shal never forget