Scott A. Ray

BillyLee, 7 months ago

I don’t know how old you are SCott, or what resources you have over there. All I know is that I was very ill and wasn’t getting help in America. So I came home after 15 years and now get so much help. Sometimes its too much help. But as I get older I learn how to get to grips with this illness. Mostly when I’ m manic I loose a few friends, my family don’t speak to me anymore, its been 4 years. But really I have my husband who doesn’t know me any other way and he is ok with me. My kids love me. The pets llike me. I bet you have some people who still like you. Being bipolar can be really lonely. I mean really lonely. So misunderstood by society. Hang in there Scott. You are unique. All the best from Australia to YOU! Love BillyLee

Mariam Muradian, 7 months ago

Dear Scott,
Have you ever prayed to God to take you instead of someone else?
Bless your heart. BIG HUG My answer is yes, many many times yes.
I do know that when you see blackness, everything is black; and people can say all kinds of things that are all well-meaning and good BUT all it sounds like is crap or Charlie Brown’s Teacher, because you are so paralyzed. I know. Please hear me out here, Scott.
Many people do not know this but heart patients go through a lot of depression, especially after surgery. I have survived 13 heart surgeries. My heart does not beat on its own AT ALL because all the “electricity” in my heart has been permanently stripped. I am alive only because of batteries, pacemakers, and wires (and jokingly, I like to add mirrors too!….). It is internal life support to be blunt. Everyday I deal with some form of feeling like God keeps me alive by default. It is enormous self-talk and energy to steer my thoughts and feelings toward gratitude instead. I have struggled with mountainous, life-threatening, chronic illness since birth. I have outlived every prediction and prognosis. Chronic pain is real, mental or physical. Sometimes you get tired of being tired.
Scott, this is not “top that testimony”; I do not compare anyone’s pain; we all need compassion. Please bear with me. I do not take your journal entry lightly at all. I am concerned.
I had my second to last heart surgery scheduled; doctors were preparing me for a year for this one. 3 months prior to this January 2006 surgery, I was bedfast, very symptomatic, slipping in and out of consciousness, and discussing serious quality of life issues with doctors and clergy. Palliative care and hospice were called in. I had everything in order: my part of our living trust, my medical and personal directives, everything. My daughter was 11 years old at the time. I had Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Orders, as hard as it was to come to that decision.
My husband and I had been married for 15 years. We were separated at that time: he lived in the house in St. Louis, and my daughter and I lived in the house in Boulder, Colorado.
A week before the January 2006 heart surgery, my husband suddenly and unexpectedly died. I am shaking just telling you this story.
I had to be there for my daughter. I had to be the one to teach her Funeral 101; her first funeral and it was her Daddy. I went against all doctors’ advice. I was in a wheelchair and barely alive. I had been waiting for death, hoping God would take me soon, looking forward to relief….and God took my husband?????
The grief was &^$#@HG (no words to describe it).
My daughter and I flew back to Boulder the night before the heart surgery, first on the schedule, first in the morning. I did what had to be done. En route, I called my medical team, and with legal witnesses, I had to verbally change my DNR orders. Suddenly I was the only parent my daughter had left!
Went to the hospital. The surgery went on for 8 – 9 hours. I arrested 4 times in that surgery! The doctors had to fight so hard to keep me alive that they were not successful in their surgery goals and outcome. If I had still been DNR, I would not be here; my daughter would have lost BOTH parents in less than a week! Sobering and chilling to think about.
Every time a new surgery has to be scheduled to replace “hardware,” I face it all over again. I can choose to not have it done…and I die.
Truth. We all have the right to say when ENOUGH is enough, and when WHEN is when. This is why I painted The Genetic Bill of Rights Painting Series and feel so strongly about it. I also have the T-shirt image, “Who died and made you God?”
Scott, honey….we cannot see the bend in the road. Is this all there is ahead of me? Again: we cannot see the bend in the road. We are given no guarantees in life. Your artistic gift is your life saver! Use it! And do get some professional help with this. If you have ONE STEP ahead of you…always step in the direction of LIFE.
Thank you for hearing me out, Scott.
Remember: “Failure is an event, NOT a person.”
Take care of you. You are worth it!

Peace,
Mariam Muradian

Mariam Muradian, 7 months ago

P.S. ~ Someone once said this to me. I have never forgotten it.
“If God is big enough for your love, He is big enough for your anger.”

~ Mariam Muradian

Scott A. Ray, 7 months ago

Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad you are still here for your daughter. It sounds like you have been thru alot and hope you are doing ok. I write sometimes when I’m at my lowest, I usually don’t but them on here. Actually they usully go in the trash once I’m done with them. I really don’t know why I decided to put it on here now, but I’m glad I did. The people, like yourself give me hope and make me feel not so alone. Thanks

Mariam Muradian, 7 months ago

You said it, Scott, “HOPE”! You are not alone, that’s right. Sometimes it is good to have someone you can just turn to and say metaphorically, “I am just not in a place of seeing things clearly, I need to simplify and rest; here, hold my mustard seed of faith and hope for me until I feel I can hold it up again .We are here to listen. Believe me when I say, “The privilege is ours, Scott.” Thanks for dropping me a note….anytime.
I know you’ve got what it takes to succeed!!!
Peace,
Mariam Muradian

BillyLee, 7 months ago

I would like to same the same Scott, it is a gift to be there for someone who suffers just like you do and be able to hold out a hand when you are traveling ok and they are not. In turn you will do the same for me I know you will. Love Billy

ByrneFoto, 7 months ago

Hi Scott, My answer to that question is an emphatic YES!! I also suffer from bipolar, and the gut wrenching depression and the pleas to God constantly to end my pain and take me home. One of my closest friends died of cancer mid last year and I prayed and prayed that God would give me Wayne’s cancer instead because he was fighting so much and wanted to live and I was just stuck in blackness and wanted to die. Of course God never answered my prayer, Wayne died and here I still am plagued by the torture of my illness. No one can quantify your pain sweety or pretend to understand totally what your life is like and nor should they. Not even those of us who all suffer, suffer in the same way, we all have our demons and our torment to deal with. All I can do is tell you that God is always there to listen. He doesn’t mind if you get angry with Him or you blame Him, yell at Him, swear at Him, as long as you tell Him what’s going on in your heart. All He wants to do is be there for you. I am a Christian and I war with God often, but I still know in the midst of all that darkness that He is there for me and that Jesus suffered all of the plagues of mankind, including bipolar and Jesus also begged God to “empty this cup” ie take away His pain and He also felt like God had abandoned Him too. My comfort is that God may not be able to physically remove my illness or grant me my prayers, but He is also just as heart broken over it all as I am and He is the only one who thoroughly understands me, my struggles and my life and He promises me that when it is all over and He finally calls for me, that I will live a wondrous happy pain free life. That is why I believe and I never did until I was diagnosed 12 months ago and a friend told me about the gospel. I would like to recommend a book for you to read, which has helped me understand not only my pain, but my reaction to God because of it. It’s called Where is God When it Hurts and its by an author called Philip Yancey… It is not a preaching or conversion book, it’s just an explanation as to why we humans suffer the way we do, whether it be physically or mentally or spiritually. A friend of mine who is a raging God hating Atheist read it and he said it helped him to understand my pain just that little bit better. I cannot understand what you are going through Scott cause I am not in your skin, but I do know what my own depressions are like and they are cruel and they are mean and they are lonely. Nothing anyone says to me in that state convinces me otherwise, but as much as I want to die at times and pray to God to give me the strength to end it, He never does and so I trust that He wont let me suffer beyond what He thinks I am capable of dealing with. That is faith, believing in hope and trusting God when your whole mind and body is screaming at you not to. God bless you darlin’ I hope you get through this bad patch quickly… Love Simone

Scott A. Ray, 7 months ago

Hi Simone

That was very well written and I do believe. It is, as I’m sure you know so hard sometimes to not want to blame someone for your own suffering. I can handle it most of the time but it just keeps going and going until you just can’t stand it anymore. It is like a bad toothache the just gets worse and worse, but then you go to the dentists and he makes the pain go away. I just wish there was someone we could go to and have the pain disappear. I think the worse of all is when it does go away and you become manic or maybe even “normal” you know it is going to come back. After so many years it has put so much fear in me that I think I’m afraid to try anything new, because I know down the road my depression will be back and whatever I was trying will be gone. I’m tired of being afraid of myself.

I will read the book you suggested if only because I love to read. I have my beliefs and know god is not to blame for what I have but that at the worst times does not help. I have had bipolar most of my adult life and am just tired so very tired of hiding in my room and not living life. I try so hard to live it but as always it comes crashing down when I cycle. I know some people say that they do not want to get rid of there bipolar because it makes them what they are but I’m sorry I want to be someone else.

Sorry to do all the self pity crap it just feels good sometimes to write it down.

Scott

ByrneFoto, 7 months ago

I know Scott it certainly is unrelenting and it is unforgiving and lonely, but I guess the thing is to enjoy each and every happy moment as it presents itself and just survive the bad ones. A big thing I have learned this year is that if I think about living like this for the rest of my life, being in pain and suffering it alone, I have a complete meltdown and become suicidal. On the other hand if I think about just the present moment I exist in and surviving it, I can keep going. God has helped me to understand that and it allows me to enjoy the good things in life, like a happy day or a happy moment, and it also allows me to survive a dark moment. I do not blame God for my bipolar, but when I am in the pit, I certainly yell at Him and ask Him why He did this to me. We are not who we are when we are manic or depressed. We are who we are when we are level and God knows the difference, so He doesn’t hold anything we say to Him in such anguish against us. I agree that if I could get rid of my bipolar I would. If I could trade off my photography and my poetry and all my charm for a 6th month period of happiness I would. I would also love to be able to hand over my pain to a friend or family member for just one minute so that they could truly finally understand what every minute of my life is like, but I can’t do any of that. All I can do is survive, minute by minute, one foot in front of the other. There is no reason why you can’t try something new and revel in its joy for as long as it lasts. As you say your depression is always going to hit you, so why not enjoy the levelness while it lasts.. Surely you deserve that!! I am a rapid-rapid cycler, so I get brief moments of happiness (hours, sometimes days if I am lucky), but mostly I sit in mixed episodes or dysphoric mania or straight out depression. But when I am level, boy I do everything and I enjoy everything and when the darkness hits, I do the only thing I can do, survive. A friend of mine once gave me the perfect phrase to think of when I am so low that I can’t see my way out into the light. He said, feel God’s hand on your shoulder and think of me whispering this into your ear… “This too shall pass.”

I wish you all the best, and I hope you enjoy the book, I really think you will get a lot out of it. Yancey is a brilliant writer…

Take care sweety,

Love, Simone