When I awoke, I was surprised to realize that it all hadn’t been some kind of crazy dream. I found myself lying upon an extremely large black bear skin and covered with a woven blanket of Native American designs and earth tones. I yanked it off to examine my knee and was shocked to see that it was perfectly normal. I also noticed that I was now wearing an animal skin that was similar to his. He again was tending to the fire, and I had the impression that he had been watching over me the whole night long. He was cooking something as well, but all I could smell was the smoke of the fire.
“It’s good to see that you’re back among the living.” he said, chuckling to himself.
“Who are you?” I inquired.
“I am merely a man, but I am the best of yourself.”
“What does that mean?”
“If your desire to learn is great enough, you will discover the meaning of it.”
I was afraid to continue asking questions, because I didn’t want to hear any more riddles.
“Rest your mind and nourish your body.”
He handed me a plain wooden bowl with a white porridge inside. I hesitantly took a bite. It was warm, but it had no taste. I was puzzled by the experience of the night before, and I couldn’t help but ask about it.
“What happened last night?” I asked tentatively, not sure that I really wanted to know the answer.
“So much for resting your mind. What part of last night are you referring to?”
“Come on, you know, the part where my knee cap exploded like a volcano!”
“Be careful what you ask for, you may not be prepared to know the truth.”
It seemed like he was reading my mind.
“I need to know.” I stated calmly.
“How did you feel while it was happening?”
“What do you mean, how did I feel? That’s a stupid question! I felt terrified, that’s how I felt!”
“Terrified of what?”
“Terrified of what was happening to me! Terrified that I had no control over it!”
“Have you ever felt that way before?”
I thought for a moment. “No. I don’t think so…wait a minute. Yes. Yes, I have.”
“When?”
“Do I have to say?”
“Only if you want to get at the truth.”
I sat quiet for a short time. He acted disinterested and began to poke at the fire again.
“When I was a boy?”
“How old were you?”
“I was fourteen.”
“What was happening?”
“I was being molested.”
“What does molested mean?”
“Come on! What kind of sick game are you playing here?! You know damn well what molested means!!!”
“How badly do you desire to know the truth?”
“It means that he kissed me! He fondled my penis and had me fondle his! We had oral sex! There are you happy!!!” My voice was cracking, and it was difficult to get it out.
“Did you feel responsible for that?”
“Of course, I did!”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t do anything to stop it! I froze! I went along with it! I didn’t know what to do!!!” It was like I was back there again, and it was happening all over. It came back to me that while it was going on, I had stiffened up my right leg, tightening my knee with tremendous pressure.
“Why do you judge yourself as if you were the man that you are now? You were only a boy.”
“I was fourteen!” I said disgustedly.
“How old is your son?”
“Fourteen-how did you know that?”
“Would you blame him if he had such a thing happen to him?”
I thought of my son, and how naive and innocent he is-so full of life! If something like that ever happened to him, it would absolutely break my heart. I wouldn’t blame him for an instant. How could I expect him to know how to react in such a situation? Then it dawned on me…why couldn’t I have such compassion for myself? For the first time, I saw myself as that insecure, frightened, little boy-and for the first time, I wanted to give that little boy within me, a hug. I began to sob, and it was a tremendous release. It felt as if a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders. I had carried the guilt for so long-too long. It was so heavy that I felt like I was being crushed beneath it. As a result, I thought I might be gay, and at seventeen, I almost took my own life.
“No. No, I wouldn’t.” I finally answered, almost in a whisper.
“Sometimes when people are faced with trauma in their lives, especially when it is something that they are ill equipped to handle, it is unresolved, and therefore carried in a certain part of the body. It’s like a deep tattoo of sorts, deep inside the nerves and tissue. The time had come for your body to exorcise this negative energy.”
“Then, why did I see what I saw, and why did it seem so real to me? Was it the drink?”
“No. The drink was a health brew of Prickly Pear Cacti. It was not fermented and would have no such affect on you. Have you considered that it may have seemed real to you, because it was real to you?”
Before I could fully comprehend the conversation, he had stood up and was motioning for me to follow him. We walked a short distance up a hill to a large boulder. He then turned to me, raising his hands up in the air. “This land is sacred to the Apache Tribe in this region. It is a sacred burial ground. They keep it a secret, because they fear that the White man will look for treasure here. They are afraid that this land will be disrespected as the white man has disrespected the land surrounding it. They have a great reverence for nature. They honor it and hold it sacred. They name their children after it, and emulate its powerful gifts. They listen to the strength that is a natural part of them- which they are born with. The greatest goal of their lives is to not only get in touch with, but also to get in tune with, the power within.” He then turned back towards the great Oak that we had just come out from under. “Stand upon this stone, and emulate this proud member of nature. Be steadfast, immovable, and true to yourself.”
He then walked away, back the way that we had come, but I knew that I wasn’t to follow him. I stood there for a moment, not quite knowing what to do. Then I listened to the voice inside of me, and I felt clear about my task. I stepped up on the stone, envisioned myself as a giant oak tree, and spread my arms out wide, as were the branches. My legs were held tightly together and made sturdy as a trunk. My head was raised high, as is the top of the tree. A surge of courage welled up within me, and I knew that I was up to the challenge of whatever lies before me.
A few hours later, my arms felt increasingly weak, and my legs began to tremble. I began to have doubts about myself, and this mysterious inner strength that he spoke of. How long was I supposed to stand here? I decided to focus on nature, as I had focused on the buzzard head, and the campfire. I looked out at the horizon, and saw many shades of gray and blue among the clouds. I could smell rain in the air, and the birds chirping overhead. Then thunder and lightning gave an ominous warning of what was to come. Nature had decided to show me her power first hand, and the wind blew fiercely, as the rain came storming down upon me. I was drenched and shivering once again. I reiterated his words to myself…“Be steadfast, immovable, and true to yourself.” I refused to budge, and I was still standing there as the storm subsided, and the sun went down behind the mountain. I stood there firm in the cold and dark.
Like a shot of lightning, it came to me that he was not coming back for me. Angrily, shaking, I carefully stepped down off the stone, and stomped back to the fire.
I came into the light, and there he was, lying snug on a bear skin of his own, next to the fire. I felt that something had been triggered inside of me. I felt a wave of rage come over me and knew that it was time for me to take a stand for myself.
“How long were you going to let me stand there?!” I asked indignantly. I was ready to take him on! Hell, I was finally ready to take the whole world on-if only someone would tell my legs, as they could hardly hold my weight, and their constant shaking was giving me away!
“As long as you chose to.” he answered in that same matter of fact tone of our first meeting.
“I’m not the one running this show!” I stammered.
“Aren’t you?” he asked.
With that, I lay down on my bear skin, and was asleep before my head caught up with my body. The battle would have to wait for another day. I slept deep, but I had vivid dreams.
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