What gives me that right?

Ohhh, i could write a whole essay in response to this .. i hope you’re o.k .. it’s a beautiful piece of writing, so emotive, raw and honest. I hope you’ve been able to (or will be able to) find the answers you need to work through this. Ultimately, this is your jouney .. and although marriage is a partnership, you must love and care for yourself first .. x

This is spot on.. You are very good at taking thoughts like this, and presenting them in such a raw way. I hope you find your answers :)

The right was given to you the day you were born… To make decisions and to live a life that is happy and healthy. If you believe your happiness away from him would also make for a healthier upbringing for your children, then you owe it to them as well as yourself to do the right thing.

Your ability to write your words, filled with emotion and honesty is a rare trait and one I respect a lot.

You will make the right decision no matter what that might be.

You have posed yourself a very difficult question, Rubyjo, one that will, almost certainly, result in either you gaining your freedom and a shitload of deep guilt, or in the devastation of your husband because of your apparent abandonment or rejection of him.

What you do will, unltimately, depend on how badly you want your freedom, how unhappy you are and whether or not you can live with the knowledge that, should you decide to diviorce him, he will think he is nothing without you, that you have destroyed him.

He is not a child for whom you must take total responsibility. As an adult, he must take the responsibility for his overall well-being. If your need to be free of his draining influence is strong enough to leave, and divorce him, can you do this knowing that it may push him to the point of suicice? Has he threatened suicide or do you simply know that he will react in that way? If he has threatened it, then he is using emotional blackmail to control you and you should not let that influence your (final) decision.

One thing you seem to have considered is that, if you stay with him, you remain unhappy. Do you enough “freedom” now to be able to find happiness in areas outside your marriage? While I don’t advocate infidelity, and I am not suggesting it here, whatever it take to make a marriage work is between those involved and only those involved – it is of no concern to anyone else. Are you able to join a club or two which are involved with areas of interest to you, and find happiness there?

One area you don’t mention is your sons. How would they react to you divorcing their father? You are responsible for them, and their happiness, until they are legally adults. Are they stable, and mature, enough to accept and cope with your decision to leave their father?

Where would you go and what would you do if you did decide to leave him? Have you looked into your options as regards housing, employment and education to name just a few?

Unfortunately, you are the one who must make the final decision in this because it is your life, you are the one who must live with the consequences of your final decision.

I trust that my comment, and that of the others who will comment, help you to find the courage to make the decision which best suits your needs and circumstances. Know that you are always welcome to write, even if it’s only to use me as a sounding board. Be strong, and my best wishes in your soul-searching.

Whoa Rubyjo….this is very intense.

I just now wrote and erased a small novel. I don’t know the answer. But I do know that I really feel for you. And even though we don’t know each other very well I want you to know that if you want to talk or anything I have big ears and soft shoulders ok hun? Big hug to you darlin’.....keep strong :)

This may have been said, I didn’t read the comments, short on time… but I had that same situation. The thing is even while with me he was becoming weaker all the time because he leant so heavily on me. A partnership has to even out as being fairly equal in the end, otherwise both of you lose something.
I left. After a few months of turmoil things smoothed out and now both of our lives are better for it. He was stronger without me after all.

Mind you we didn’t have children, I just read above you have sons. That does make a difference, a big one.

The question is Rubyjo – do you want to go through the whole of the rest of your life asking “What if?”

My borrowed motto, (one I live by and shall die by)... “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than the things I haven’t done”. I have not one regret yet.

Dear one, I have no doubt you will find the road that is right for you. :)

Rubyjo, your words are touching…... and there is nothing more alone than lying next to someone…. much better to feel alone, lying on your own….
You only live once…. when you are whole and happy, those that love you will be happy for you, especially when they see that you are now whole and happy – maybe they have never seen you whole and happy before because you weren’t. Don’t your loved ones deserve to see the inner you?
And you can never control what another does – even if they are trying (subconsciously) to control you, by allowing you to think that there life will be over, if you aren’t in it….. You will be looking after both of yourselves by looking after what is right (and you know what is right on the inside…..)
Be happy, be good to you…. that is our goal in life, to ascend to a higher place, not remain miserable…. “Those who matter don’t mind, those who mind don’t matter”
For You From Me—
Love Vicki x0

free will gives you the right sister, stay strong. thank you for sharing writing so raw and honest. love to you and yours x o x

OH MY GOD! Listen, I could have written this word for freaking word! I just made the move, finally, after suffering for 15 soul-sucking years of living with the king black-alcoholic-raging-cloud for this readon, but last month I told him it was over, because of this:

Because life with him is exhausting.
Because he sucks my oxygen.
Because negativity is killing me.
Because I cant forget.
Because I want peace.

exactly! honey, do it. I’m 37. life is too short to NOT know what it is to be IN love, not subjected to another’s twisted idea of love, which is not love at all, but control and abuse, at least for me it was.
I just posted a poem about him, and how he made me feel.

good luck, love, K :) X

P.S-I have 5 kids ranging from 13 to 1. they will be fine. I know it. change is tough, but a happy mama makes for happier kids. IMO anyway. :) they want to see you happy. i know it. :) love ya, K

Rubyjo….raw, forthright and compelling reading here for me. What resonated with me in the end was this….”What gives you the right not to live your life in your truth?”
I also wonder if timing is also such an important ingredient…..I hear so much about people who just wake up and know that it is time. Just seems to my gal ….that it is your time now. XXX

ditto to the first comment… yeah i know too much about this. great writing…

we have the right to do right, If we choose to stay with someone it can’t be at the cost of ourselves. thank you for sharing a personal piece of you.:))

I highly doubt I will ever get married! I haven’t even had a girl friend in many years and not really a single girl even looks at me let along wanting to go out with me, talk about being lonely.

Aaaaah, Rubyjo…

I think, perhaps, I’ll bubblemail you….lol! ;)

What gives him the right to be the determining factor in your happiness…particularly when he is clearly not contributing to it in any meaningful way?

I know….it is complicated. Trust me…I know.

I bubblemailed you, honey… ;)

It will always hurt, but you can only continue until the pain of carrying on outweighs the pain of ending it.

Wow…decisions and choices to make. Gets rather complex and heartening. Be strong Judy and choose wisely. You have the right to happiness and so do your boys…

Just read the addendum :o) Your boys sound as if they think they would be happier too, so I think you have your answer, you just need to make the choice and act on it. xoxo Best of luck either way, life certainly has a way of getting very sticky at times.

I still believe you are one of the sanest people I have come across Rubyjo, I would also say you’re one of the most intelligent. I’m not just talking intellectual smarts here, (though you have that in droves too). You my friend, possess a heightened emotional intelligence which brings with it much insight into the human condition . But, (and isn’t there usually one of those), emotional intelligence, as wonderful as it can be, brings with it its own curse, and that is that the having of it gives us empathy for others and therefore prevents us from thinking just purely about ourselves.

None of us wants to think of ourselves as being the possible cause of anothers unhappiness, but Rubyjo, you already know that we are each responsible for our own … you for yours, your husband for his etc etc. ... and that each of us has their own road to travel to find it, and shit yes, that road can be damn hard and long, and I’m not going to make any bones about how difficult this one might be for you, or for him, in fact it is obvious you already know what awaits you.

You have some very real concerns too, and I certainly don’t want to dismiss them – and there are definitely some things you can put in place that might help facilitate a smoother transition, especially if you have real concerns about your husband, (“He may become suicidal, he has that tendency”). Having support structures in place for both of you, and the kids, is hugely important. Arm yourself with as much info as you can, do your homework, and seek as much professional and personal support as you can… (but I am sure you already know this).

You already know what you want Rubyjo, and you know what you NEED, you will also know when you are ready to grab it with both hands and run with it.

in your bed at night lying with a lie
in your bed at night hiding as you cry

all day every day living and wondering why
all day every day railing at the sky

asking yourself what if
asking yourself, “Not another Tiff”

look into the mirror and see what you want to see ?
look into the mirror and see what you want to be

Only You

stay strong, and take the love shown to you by the people here

make your own decision
and be free

Love ‘N’ Laughter Kriss

Wow, that is a toughie. You have the right to live a happy decent life without feeling suffocated. But now you have other lives to consider, ones you are responsible for, for their well being emotionaly and physicaly. If a child says he will be o.k with the matter, it doesn’t mean he will be. Children are sensitive and especially with this. They will probably blame themselves. But, like I say it is a tough one. I have felt that way many a times, but because of my children didn’t go through with it. My children are long gone by now, and we are just comfortable with one another. I would still like to be in love with him, but I can’t say that, and I can’t say he is in love with me either. But as years have gone by, we have grown together so I think we would be lost wiithout each other. Might sound crazy, but that is the way with us. Hope you will be able to work out this dilema . Hoping for the best….....

:) yes, you may say that. :) Likewise. and hey, really, I am going through this very thing right this minute (am planning on leaving in 10 days after many years feeling belittled and dead inside) all it took were those last few words from him about 6 weeks ago in the car (words I’ve heard about a million times over the years but learned to just keep my mouth shut, don’t want to rock the boat, etc…) I was explaining something to y son, who had asked an astronomy question which i knew the answer to, and I sadi about 4 words when my husband said, “why can’t you just keep your f’ing flapping lips shut!”

that was it. i was tried of always having to keep my mouth shut, for fear of being belittles, screamed at or threatened. so…bmail me anytime, O.K? if you need me, i’m here. :) XXX Kristin

excellent!

Okay lets look at it from your major ’’against’’ factor – if your are not happy – then how can be be happy? Would you be willing to live the rest of your life as a facade of happiness? If he truly cared for you – your happiness would make him happy too, thus how could he truly be happy?

How beautifully written are your thoughts, your pain. How brave of you to share them with the world.

“Because life with him is exhausting.
Because he sucks my oxygen.
Because negativity is killing me.
Because I cant forget.
Because I want peace.”

How very expressive of your feelings, your needs are well felt in this passage.

I wish they were my words, but they were words given to me – like a cheese grater across the fabrication I’d built of my life – by my stepmother, who is one of the most sincere people to grace this globe. I am happy to share them with you, and I am happy they spoke from their text bound limitations.

rubyjo – what can I say that hasn’t been said already – I wish you all the best in what is a difficult, life changing time…Tony

Yes, that made me smile! :D

Sometimes walking away is easier than staying. Even if it seems the other way to begin with. Oh, but I wish so much happiness for you. I hope you know that there is someone out there, thinking of you and wishing you strength during these difficult times. xo

can i just add that in reference to what you have written as a side note: that as the child of a person who did stay, and watched, being a witness to the slow depletion of hope and spirit and light, the before picture of someone who had a passion for painting, slowly die out like the light in her eyes. I know that there as many stories as there are people and people have their own view-points and the consequences of these view-points pile up and up. One much remember, that here, where posting, one should never feel as though we much justify what is written in poetry. What is written is yours to own and no other person has the write (or right) to make comment on that.. this is your poetry.

beaauuuuuuuutiful

sometimes you have to be “selfish” to be happy. yes, it hurts but hearts mend and life goes on. Do what makes you happy, not what makes others happy.

I suppose so, maybe too selfish at times. It’s hard getting that balance in the middle sometimes.

i know this. i could’ve written it a few years ago.
i left. he imploded as predicted. but somebody said to me ‘he is an adult – all relationships are a risk’. and it is true. now, in hindsight, i realised that i reclaimed my own life the day i left.
your situation may be different – leaving may not be the right choice – but if you follow your heart courageously and without looking back you will make the right decision. you just have to trust yourself a little.