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Tickling The Funny Bone....Beware content my offend or create laughter.

1.
Read this in a Scottish accent, the broader the better.

Two Scots, the best man Archie and the groom Jock, are sitting in the
pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Och, it’s all going to be grand”, says Jock. “I’ve everything organised
already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings,
the minister, and you’ve taken care of ma stag night”.
Archie nods approvingly.
“Havens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in,” continued Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s braw; you’ll look pure deed smart in
that!”
“And what’s the tartan?” Archie then enquires.
“Och,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white…”
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2.
The teenage boy came home one day and heard some sounds coming from his parents room. He opened the door and found them “practicing nocturnal mating rituals.” Dad just smiled and went back at it. Angered, the boy left. About an hour later, dad was walking down the hall and heard similar noises coming from the boys room. He opened the door to find the boy and grandma going at it. The boy looked at dad and said; “See, it’s not so funny when it’s your mom.”
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3.
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this.
“Well” said the doctor, “this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong.
I will have to remove half your brain”.
“That’s OK” said the Englishman. “I’ve always wanted to be Irish and I’m prepared to take the risk”.
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor.
“I’m so terribly sorry!!” the doctor said. “Instead of removing half the brain, I’ve taken the whole brain out”.

The patient replied, “No worries, mate!!”
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4.
Two blondes living in Sydney were sitting on a bench talking……

And one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away……….Melbourne or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says

“Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne…?
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5.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the fuel”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
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6.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
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7.
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, "How can I get to the

other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
“You ARE on the other side.”
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8.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”
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9.
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
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10.
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is exposed.”
“Oh. my God”, says the blond. “I left the baby on the bus!”
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11.
1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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12.
Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key…”
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13.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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14.
I went to the butchers and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said: “No, the steaks are too high.”
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16.
My friends son drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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17.
I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….18
. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
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19.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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20.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
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21.
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’’.
’ Is it common? ‘.
“It’s not unusual."
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22.
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? "
“No, because he’s really heavy”
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23.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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24.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
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25.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
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26.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says: “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
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27.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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28.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
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29.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”. The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
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30.
Ireland worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asked, “And what are those”?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

Cheers
Rossco

Journal Comments

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