Drama in the House Yard
It wouldn’t‘ve been so bad, y’know,
if the house cow had survived…
If she hadn’t caught the collywobbles,
Then just up ‘n died.
She’d been the wife’s pride ‘n joy
Since she were just a calf.
Poddy fed ‘n hand raised,
She wasn’t spoiled … not half!
She’d follow the misses ’round the yard
Just like a flamin’ dog.
The trouble was she didn’t know
The yard was not a ‘bog’!
The cow-cakes stuck to shoe ‘n boot
‘n caused no end of stink.
But the missus’d just smile sweetly,
Givin’ the cow a wink.
So, when Bess kicked the bucket
The wife went off her rocker …
You’d think the stinkin’ Poms’d gone
‘n beaten us in the Soccer!
I tipped me hat, ‘n scratched me head,
Watchin’ the missus cope.
Jingoes mate, she was pretty much
At the end of her flamin’ rope!
Till I land home one arvo,
And find the gateway barred
By a whacking great goat with horns and beard …
I took it pretty hard!
She-who-must-be-obeyed convinced me
To give the bludger a go.
He stank to high heaven but, ah well,
Small price for some peace at home.
M’ Y-fronts have been chewed to bits,
The grape vines are no more.
It’s crook when ya mates can’t visit
Unless they ring before.
The goat poo sticks to shoe ‘n boot
But … what do you jolly-well think?
The missus just smiles sweetly,
‘n gives the goat a wink.
Aussie, Aussie Aussie – Oi Oi Oi
A bit of fun to celebrate Australia Day …
BEST READ ALOUD otherwise you’ll go batty!
For those who don’t understand ‘Aussie speak; …
collywobbles – any vague tummy complaint
poddy fed – hand raised, usually by bottle
the missus – affectionate (?) term for one’s wife
flamin’ – probably a more polite form of ‘bloody’?!
a bog – loo, convenience, ‘bathroom’ … !!
cow-cakes – cow pats!
kicked the bucket – passed from this mortal coil, or died
stinkin’ – see explanation for ’flamin’’!
poms – does it really need explaining?
soccer – a male ‘religion’ thinly disguised as a ball game – severe rivalry exists between Aus and Poms
jingoes – useless expression used to emphasise the phrase that follows (not sure how …)
arvo – shorthand for afternoon … in the same way as ‘Dave’ becomes ‘Davo’ and ‘Steve’ ‘Stevo’ etc
whacking – see explanation for ‘jingoes’
she who must be obeyed – indistinguishable from ‘the missus’
bludger – affectionate term for someone who spends an awful lot of time doing sweet nothing
stank to high heaven – ponged (emitted a foul smell!)
Y-fronts – really attractive [sic] old fashioned men’s underpants
crook – pretty hard/difficult – although in other situations can also mean you have the ‘collywobbles’ – a bit confusing!
poo – surely that is a universal term!
jolly-well – once again see explanation for ‘jingoes’ – we have a very British need to use padding in our language!
If by any chance you are now even more confused than when we started, my sincere apologies!