Through my middle school years I had felt this bubbling sensation in my ego. It grew there and wished to increase but it was constantly hindered by my best friend of the time. She was not a perfect looking girl but by all means she overshadowed my meager appearance. Her hair was better than mine, her skin better than mine, and at that time she was thinner.
She was also talented in every way that I was talented.
I’d first met her in Elementary school when she came up to me while I was drawing in class. At the time I strictly drew dogs, and bad ones at that. I’d draw a dog on every piece of paper I was given, and one day the girl noticed. she came over and looked at the picture with a big smile. She eventually told me that she also drew, and offered up her own sketches. At this time she was ahead of me but not by too much. We’d obviously begun at around the same time. Eventually her drawing style grew into an increased interest in Anime, and since we’d become better friends, so did mine. To this day I realize she was my conductor in my talent. Any style she developed, I developed. Any Anime she watched, I watched. If she joined band, I joined band. It became so easy to enjoy her interests that we grew closer and eventually became “brain twins.”
What she thought, I thought.
What she did, I did.
Eventually it came subconsciously, i’d been so skillful in adapting her skills as my own that we began to become the same person. At the time I hadn’t seen this as a problem, since we still had our subtle differences, but now looking back on it I feel as if my identity had been hijacked during that time period in my life. When we moved from Key West to Michigan I had entirely lost contact with her. she’d grown up and had her boyfriend, and I was still the immature girl that I was. I continued to draw when she had ceased for a while, and I had developed voice and style in my art and not having seen her’s I was very keen in believing that I had surpassed her skill with my copious amounts of practice.
It was June 15th when she had found me online. I believe it was Mypace where she first tried to make contact after three years of separation. I was curious to see what she had become since we ere so far apart. But when I accepted her friend request and sifted through her page I only saw that we were more in the same. Even in our time apart we were the same. By this time i had developed a strong sense of individuality so this only grew my secret hatred toward the girl. She was stealing my unique image, and not doing it subtly.
I tell her I love her and she is my best friend.
When I mean that I wish she would disappear from my view because she made me seem less amazing than people thought.
It was not only my friends that I developed envy toward. My siblings often sparked it in subtle ways. I don’t hold it against them personally but I can definitely admit that I feel envious of a couple of their qualities.
My oldest sibling, whom I’ve mentioned before, was of course given the natural favorite status that most eldest sibling seem to receive. Not only did she get the most recognition by my parents but got the long stick when it came to the gene pool.
She is taller than me.
She is thinner than me.
She is prettier than me.
She is smarter than me.
She is more responsible than me.
The list goes on.
During her high school career she cast a dark shadow over me. In all of her classes she got straight A’s while I struggled to keep my grades above D’s. Even the teachers took this out on me and made sure I did not forget it. They’d often call me by her name and i’d do my best to not answer. It was hard to realize I was being overdone by a girl like her. She was simple, I had a more clever conviction than she but no one cared about whether or not you could sell a car when you’re in school. It was all about the grades you received and how well you purveyed yourself. In school nowadays I am no longer overshadowed, I’ve seen the long term affects of her impression and they are virtually gone. My envy in this area has become something that I can no longer really feel, since no one remembers her more than just her name. Yet in reality the only thing, that is school related, that i’ve beaten her at is the ACT score. I didn’t go in thinking I was going to do my personal best; No, my envious nature toward her was so strong that all I had to do was beat her score.
School was not the only place where she overshadowed me. She was also doing so at home, rather naturally. She was the one who was calm and never argued. she was funny, and I’m sure the only thing I had over her was my creativity, but at home that didn’t matter much. She may have been talentless but she was humble, and in social situations that is all that is important. She would always bring home boys and had a good bout of maybe ten or eleven boyfriends before she started to get wise. She was living her social life to its fullest, and was only two years my elder. She made me feel like a reject, because I was so far behind. This sort of disillusioned rejection from the world had really bridled me and at one point I was overrun by my growing envy toward her. Until recently I had hated my older sister and with every day of my life i was trying to prove her infidelity. It was near impossible.
I’d try to show her up by learning to skateboard, but alas no one cared.
I’d try to show her up by hanging my drawings up around the house, but I didn’t get much praise.
I’d even eventually tried to show her up by becoming a mimic of her image, but I didn’t seem original so the idea didn’t work.
I eventually gave up. I still live in complete shadow of her and till she crashes and burns I’m sure i’ll feel some degree of envy for her success. She’s in college now majoring in god-knows-what and I’m sure she’ll get married and have children and be very happy. I’m also sure that my mother will call me, wherever I am, and lecture me on how i need to be more like her.
Yet as the days go on I realize that I am different from her because I do not want to be her. she lives such a simple life that I would give anything not to go onto her track. I want to make my decisions, even if they aren’t the decisions my mother thinks are best.
I also have a younger half-sibling that has derived quite a bit of envy up in my system. She is a lot like my older sister in the way that her looks outdo mine, but her difference is that her looks out do all of us. My younger half-sibling is a gorgeous person. She not only has a unique personality but she has conventional beauty and is actually very thin. She may not be very smart, but she isn’t entirely dumb. If you took all the goo thin out of my mother’s DNA (hard to imagine, I know) and all the good things out of her father’s DNA then you would have my younger half-sibling.
We sat there on the porch of my grandfather’s farm and I looked up and down the path. My eyes squinted against the sun as I looked over at her and rose my camera. I snapped a picture since it seemed so picture-esque, and because she was in the shot she asked to see the image.
That was the day I decided I wanted t be a photographer.
Yet it was also the day she decided to be a model.
It was instances like that when she always overshadowed my achievements. I’d take gorgeous photos of her but my mother would only compliment how pretty she looks. not how masterful the composition was.
Nowadays I never see my younger half-sibling but I often wonder what she’s up to. I’ve heard that she is into drugs and has actually dropped out of high school to take home schooling. While all of this should cheer me up it does not. Her life story is now also more interesting than mine and I don’t like to think that she will have a better life than me since she has so much to offer to the world. she may only be offering looks but she is also offering a story that I cannot tell. Whilst i live a life full of interesting things, she lives that same life of interesting things. So I have nothing at all to compete with. I feel ridiculous with this argument, but I feel it so feverishly in the pit of my stomach.
I feel so strongly against how she can compete with me when no one else can.
We get along great.
Yet she doesn’t know that some of the strongest jealousy I’ve ever felt, is toward her.