Delivery by Dec 24 has ended: Get 10% off instantly emailed gift certificates with code NOT2LATE

Infertility Treatments

Making a baby’s not always easy as can be
Shouldn’t take more than man, woman and maybe some Chablis
But sometimes nothing happens and you’ve gotta go see doc
And then the fun begins, yes fun like electric shock

Poking, prodding, outside and in
‘Till you think you’re going to the loony-bin
Little by little your patience wears thin
Until you’re ready to hit someone with a bowling pin

So many doctors and nurses all in white coats
Telling you when it’s time to sow your wild oats
Oh, and do not forget to take good notes
And remember for now, there’s no more deep throats

Sex becomes something it was not before
Procreation’s not fun anymore
Eventually you’ll spread for anyone wearing white
(Did not mean to make the butcher so completely uptight)

What about when the man has to spill sperm into a jar
They hand him a briefcase and tell him au revoir
As they send him down the hallway to a room that’s not too far
And do not even offer him an afterwards cigar

My favorite part’s the briefcase filled with every kind of porn
Pages of magazines are so tattered and so torn
Video stopped in the middle, doesn’t take much to decode
It’s there that the guy before him happily shot his load

You become someone else as hormones into you are pumping
Reminisce about the days when all you wanted was some humping
Now who the heck would want you as your belly’s nice and plumping
And your poor, sweet darling husband, against the wall is slumping

Because you called him home early, your fertility was at its peak
He rushed home and into the bedroom, never worrying about technique
The last thing you want is for him to see you, with your new, bloated physique
And when you’re done he holds your legs up, to make sure out, nothing can leak

When all is said and done, sometimes it works, sometimes it can’t
But you don’t have to resign yourself to being only uncle and aunt
Sometimes we go another way to bring into our lives a child
(And sex can go back to being fun, spontaneous and wild)
Because at the end of the day, we do not have to go without
There are always other ways when love’s what it is really all about

Currently unavailable for purchase

Creating from both light and dark places, I create the stuff of dreams and the heat of nightmares. Most of my art and writing comes from a life of crazy, frightening and wonderful experiences. I’m also somewhat touched in the head, or so I’m told.

I am a wife, mother, artist, author (novelist, poet, story teller, part time comedic writer) college administrator and former rock goddess.

View Full Profile


  • lisameryl
    lisamerylover 3 years ago

    aaawww….Rikki….that ending “There are always other ways when love’s what it is really all about” is awsome! Yes, you practically had me peeing in my pants…this is too funny…your writing style, brilliant mind and sense of humour is a beautiful thing indeed! =)XO

  • Thank you Lisa for this sweet comment. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • MaryMac
    MaryMacover 3 years ago

    great write
    enjoyed the story
    and the flow of lines
    i laughed at some
    and felt emotive on others
    peace love happiness and joy always

  • Thank you for this lovely comment.

    – Rikki Woods

  • YouBet
    YouBetover 3 years ago

    Hmmm. Never had that problem. After reading this, I think I am glad I didn’t. Yikes.

  • Ha ha. I’m glad you didn’t also. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • Andrew  Bailey
    Andrew Baileyover 3 years ago

    Takes me back – 3 times and I got three wonderful kids. Good write Rikki

  • Awesome. Makes me smile a big toothy grin. LOL. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • bearwings
    bearwingsover 3 years ago

    I want to put that in song just so we can watch the video, what a hoot that would be, hubby driving fast through heavy traffic, my dvd seems to pixelate around that bit on days when all you wanted was some humping, ….and what did you mean about no more deep throating, you never know where things might end up, don’t spoil all the fun, it might be the endorphines that help win the race

  • You really are so crazy and I absolutely love it. It’s that good kind of crazy too. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • Teacup
    Teacupover 3 years ago

    Glad you’re back to bring a smile (and many memories) to my cold winters morning… Yeap, we can go through a lot to gain our bundle of joy(s) but in the end there are many ways to share our love for sure… Just excellent Rikki…x

  • Thank you so much my friend. It’s good to be back and I’m looking forward to digging into everyone’s new work. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • Matt Bottos
    Matt Bottosover 3 years ago

    haha love the way you write … such a journey through many emotions :)

  • Thank you so much Matt. Always appreciate your visits. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • lawrie .
    lawrie .over 3 years ago

    Big smiles here, I pick out various bits and like the above friends I can see the humour and the emotion but mostly a great human heart in the writer who can craft so well. Hey you, hope 15weeks is still up need to catch up I think I left it at seven weeks,lol…..Enjoyed the read (as always) xoxo

  • Hey mister. Always a treat to see you here. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment. Yes, 15 Weeks is still up. If nothing else, you do have to read the finale. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • TheWanderingBoo
    TheWanderingBooover 3 years ago

    wonderful write

  • Thank you Simon. So appreciated. xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

  • autumnwind
    autumnwindover 3 years ago

    Rikki, had me giggling, you clever and creative writer. love the ending too. always feel what is meant to be will be and all that. maybe…adoption? but no matter, you are right. love is really what it’s all about. awesome read! hugs! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXO

  • Aw, thank you Shar. Yes, adoption. Check out my older write “Just a Little Bit.” (I didn’t link it.) xxoo

    – Rikki Woods

desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait

10%off for joining

the Redbubble mailing list

Receive exclusive deals and awesome artist news and content right to your inbox. Free for your convenience.