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Time for the Annual Vacuuming of the Turkey

As you may or may not know, a Domestic Goddess I am not. In fact the domestic gene skipped right over me. That being said, for some reason my family likes to come here for Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I can cook. I just don’t do it very often, and I only know how to cook for a small army. This is good because my family eats like a small army.

The first year I did Thanksgiving, I was told how my sister-in-law cooked the turkey with the bags inside. I found this absolutely hilarious and horrifying. I made to sure make fun of her every chance I got. Karma and payback is a bitch. No one told me there are TWO bags inside the turkey. Yes, the first year I cooked the turkey with a bag still inside.

One of the things I truly enjoy is grinding my own coffee. I don’t drink a lot of coffee, but when I do, I like very good, high quality coffee, from gourmet beans. (I hate Starbuck’s. Note: Costa Rica has incredible coffee.) While removing the decaf from the grinder to replace with regular, the little machine slipped from my hands and the beans went flying everywhere. It seemed they were in every room of the house. Unfortunately, they also found their way inside the already dressed turkey that was waiting to find its way into the oven. My sister in law (yes the same one who cooked with the bags in) and I cleaned up with the vacuum and yes, I washed off one of the little attachments and stuck it inside the turkey and vacuumed the beans out. My favorite part was that that little hanging piece of skin from the neck got caught in the vacuum and vibrated; going “blurbbbbblurbbblurbbbb” (you know the sound). That was definitely the highlight of the day.

Later, we found out that my stuffing soufflé was really nothing more than baked bread because I forgot to put eggs in it. That was fun.

My absolutely favorite part of the day though was the biscuits. I decided not to even attempt to make these (although I think all you have to do is add water to Bisquick). I bought the “Pop n Fresh” version. I like the way the tube pops open. It never ceases to amuse me. Since I bought these in advance, I decided to freeze them. Guess what? Ha ha. When they refused to defrost and not pop open, I figured, well, let’s nuke ‘em for a couple of seconds. They didn’t explode, that was good, but we still couldn’t get the tube to open. In reading the instructions (what a concept), the first thing it said was “do not freeze.” Guess what the second instruction was? You got it, “do not microwave.” Needless, my then very young nephew chiseled them apart with a knife and I baked them. They did not rise. They were a little larger than a quarter and harder than rocks. I have the most wonderful family who ate them anyway. ANYTHING is good if you cover it with gravy.

This year seems off to a great start. I’ve had 14 years to perfect this all and I think it’s down to a science.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate and to everyone else, have a beautiful day filled with love, laughter and light.

Time for the Annual Vacuuming of the Turkey

Rikki Woods

Joined October 2009

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I think Rubyjo and I are going to open a catering business.

Featured in Vibration in Art and Verse – VaVoom

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