15% OFF ENDS MIDNIGHT PDT. USE CODE GET15

Bachelorette Party

Having already sampled most things kinky and bizarre by the (not so) tender age of 34, my bride’s maids were at a complete loss for Bachelorette party ideas. The savior came to them in the form of restaurant and nightclub “Lucky Chengs”. It is here where beautiful and (ahem) other types of drag queens strut their stuff in slinky outfits, providing lap and table dances to anyone of any sex or any species.
.
I was in awe of a particularly strapping hulk. He was wearing a mini skirt and the same blouse I was wearing. Unfortunately, the blouse looked better on him. I will admit though, I have sexier legs.
.
Anyway, after performing a variety of elegant and graceful dances for me, the 6’2” delicate flower decided to strip me of my blazer and dignity, and swiped the table with his professionally waxed arm, hoisting my dainty 155 pound frame onto the table for some extra-special treatment. Actually, he threw me on my back. So, there I was, lying on the table, like the cherry on top of a sundae consisting of fried rice, dumplings and whatever other delicacies stuck in duck sauce droplets that sparkled like rubies encrusted into the table.
.
Enter whipped cream. After all of the dancing and heavy lifting, my gender bending Adonis seemingly worked up quite an appetite, for after enthusiastically squirting my clothing with strategically placed protuberances of whipped cream, he proceeded to kneel over me and lap them up, sometimes lingering in oh-so-special zones. Unbeknownst to us, my hair had become a tangled, gummy mass, and had adhered to the table. Upon his attempt to pull my head between his rigid breasts, the pain hit. I grabbed him, pulling him down on top of me, laughing and crying that my head was stuck to the table. He promptly loosened the bonding agent with a glass of wine and we moved on to our next challenging endeavor, getting up.
.
Now standing isn’t typically anything more than a routine and often mundane task, however this night the act of standing took on completely new dimensions, for my dancer and I were stuck together, with his fishnet stockings and my chain-link belt happily performing their own dance of debauchery as we twisted and manipulated, to no avail, attempting to free ourselves. Eventually, one of the other dancers cut us apart with a butter knife. Personally, I believe it would have gone a lot quicker if they used a soldering iron. Now afraid to touch, we bid a fond adieu with air kisses blown in the general direction of the other person. It was ironic, after sharing such intimacy. I felt so cheap.
.
Smelling like sour milk, moo goo gai pan and Merlot, accompanied by my bride’s maids, I departed, making my way back to the car, not without first falling in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. Maybe I was preoccupied with savoring the memory of my one and only tri-sexual experience.

Currently unavailable for purchase



I wrote this story a few years ago in order to enter it into a contest sponsored by Karen McCullah Lutz who authored The Bachelorette Party (movie coming out pretty soon). She also wrote Legally Blond, The House Bunny, and 10 Things I Hate About You. I didn’t win the contest, but she emailed me and said it was hilarious. She didn’t do that with everyone. That’s winning to me. I didn’t need the prize. I actually cherish her email. I think that might be stalkerish, lol.

I have photos, but I can’t find them. I have some, but not the ones I want to add. I think I shared them with someone at work (ha ha) and I know I brought them home, but didn’t put them back with the rest. They don’t add to the story like the pictures of Butch do. If I find the pics, I’ll post them at the end of this and do a journal that I’ve added the photos.

Creating from both light and dark places, I create the stuff of dreams and the heat of nightmares. Most of my art and writing comes from a life of crazy, frightening and wonderful experiences. I’m also somewhat touched in the head, or so I’m told.

I am a wife, mother, artist, author (novelist, poet, story teller, part time comedic writer) college administrator and former rock goddess.

View Full Profile

Comments

  • rubyjo
    rubyjoover 4 years ago

    hahahahahahahaha my god lmao
    i dont even know what to say to this one!
    but i bet your husbands bachelor party didnt even compare lol
    you’re one crazy lady.

  • My husband’s party consisted of him and two friends going to a gentleman’s club. He brought home a photo of the three of them holding a topless woman, who was laying across their arms like a prize trout (fish reference not intended, ha ha). I think we had a better time. Thanks for reading. Are you sure you want to go out with me when you visit?

    – Rikki Woods

  • rubyjo
    rubyjoover 4 years ago

    just leave the handcuffs at home lol

  • Oh don’t be scared. My friend (Fran from the Butch story) once in a club, handcuffed a guy with a broken leg to his crutches and a pole (all with the same cuffs). Scary!

    – Rikki Woods

  • bloorain
    bloorainover 4 years ago

    woow lol. Think about it this way. If this didn’t happen. It probably wouldn’t be as memorable ( or would it ;). And you know the definition or partying hard, I have to admit.

  • You know what’s the funniest part? I really don’t drink much. I wasn’t even anywhere close to drunk. I would rather be in control and laugh at the ones who aren’t.

    – Rikki Woods

  • bloorain
    bloorainover 4 years ago

    I just read your second reply to rubyjo: damn!!!!! lol

  • Oh I have stories about Fran and me…..it’s funny because I posted this on my Facebook (I have one for RedBubble and one for personal, and never the two shall meet, lol) – and Fran said about Butch it was the funniest night of her life and I said I beg to differ and she laughed. OMG SO MANY crazy stories like these! Her mother likes to tell them to embarass us. Ha ha. Thanks for reading.

    – Rikki Woods

  • CLiPiCs
    CLiPiCsover 4 years ago

    my kind of party . . . when’s the next one ??

    Love ‘N’ Laughter Kriss

  • Why, do you plan to be the entertainment? Ha ha. Thank you Kriss.

    – Rikki Woods

  • Arco Iris  R
    Arco Iris Rover 4 years ago

    lol Did you have second thoughts about marrying the next day? I mean, I would have been a stalker of the hunk. Loved the story Iris

  • Oooh, he was SO gorgeous. I saw him dressed as a man later on and we actually did chat a little bit. He was a really nice guy and he said he completely enjoyed himself. Ha ha. Want to come to the next party?

    – Rikki Woods

  • Arco Iris  R
    Arco Iris Rover 4 years ago

    Sure will. But I will have to tell him "hands off|. My body is full of arthritis and could you imagine a hand coming off and definitely no trowing me at the table. My picture would probably come out in the newspapers showing how I died or something. lol Oh and I’ll come as your mother to be on the safe side, no, better yet as your grandmother. I’ll enjoy it all burrowing a cane from someone and a grey haired wig. But if he promises to be gentle with gran-ma, then he’ll have some surprise. lol

  • He looked like Ru Paul, except he had long black hair (wig). I have to find the photos! You could never pass for my mother or grandmother. I don’t know how old you are, but I guarantee you are not much older than me and I just might be older than you!

    – Rikki Woods

  • chitrali
    chitraliover 4 years ago

    lol!!..
    i’ve just woken up(so apologies in advance for any lack of coherence here – i’ll keep it short!) – and this is gotta be a great way to start the day…thank you Rikki!!…:):):)…xx chitrali

  • Ha ha. I’m glad to start your day with this. Have a great day.

    – Rikki Woods

  • Marg Thomson Photography
    Marg Thomson P...over 4 years ago

  • Nice lungs. :) Glad you enjoyed.

    – Rikki Woods

  • lupa
    lupaover 4 years ago

    LMAO!!! Bloody brilliant write…loved it!!! And what do I have to do to scrounge an invite?? I’m definately in! :)))

  • All you have to do is ask. lol. Thanks so much.

    – Rikki Woods

desktop tablet-landscape content-width tablet-portrait workstream-4-across phone-landscape phone-portrait