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Public Restroom (Part I)/Toilet Paper Dilemmas

In public stalls rolls are gigantic
I understand why, can’t argue semantic
Still there’s not a thing about them I find romantic
For when I see them I get a little bit frantic

The first attempt I get only one piece
I look around for the Toilet Paper Police
I try again, my yield to increase
This time with a little more elbow grease

Why do they put it so far away
Is there something they’re trying to convey
Some hidden meaning in this bathroom soiree
As I twist and contort with it all on display

This time it rolls and it rolls and I can’t cut it loose
Wish I could wave a flag and call a truce
Why is it I feel so obtuse
When all I want is to clean my caboose

Now it’s dirty, it touched the wet tile
I’m starting to feel kind of hostile
I shouldn’t have to be so versatile
Or leave here feeling so defiled

Oh great that was the last sheet on the roll
Isn’t the Toilet Paper Police on patrol?
Into my head I want to put a bullet hole
I take a breath and exercise some self-control

I look under the wall to my left and my right
Looking for feet, a beacon of light
But it’s so very late, quarter past midnight
And there’s not a single soul in sight

To hell with it I say and grab my purse
Digging out tissues as aloud I curse
Nothing fancy, I’m really quite terse
Even though I know it could be worse

Why is this chamber of tortures called a room of rest
When I leave it feeling so very stressed
Even when I realize from Zen I’ve digressed
And recognize I’ve become too obsessed

I now leave in search of sanitation
Full of anger and way too much frustration
This would have turned out better with constipation
Instead of this horrendous misrepresentation

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Public Restroom (Part I)/Toilet Paper Dilemmas by 

You can read Part II here

Featured in +*Lifeline+* November 22, 2009

Creating from both light and dark places, I create the stuff of dreams and the heat of nightmares. Most of my art and writing comes from a life of crazy, frightening and wonderful experiences. I’m also somewhat touched in the head, or so I’m told.

I am a wife, mother, artist, author (novelist, poet, story teller, part time comedic writer) college administrator and former rock goddess.

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  • Christie  Moses
    Christie Mosesabout 5 years ago

    LMAO!! :))) OK you crack me up!!!

  • That makes me smile.

    – Rikki Woods

  • RaOrEmraeh
    RaOrEmraehabout 5 years ago

    OMG. Hahaha.

  • LOL

    – Rikki Woods

  • metwo
    metwoabout 5 years ago

    LMAO!! So true :-)

  • LOL. Thanks.

    – Rikki Woods

  • Trenchtownrock
    Trenchtownrockabout 5 years ago

    LOL..oh my…you are good..

  • Did you read that on a bathroom wall? LOL. Thank you.

    – Rikki Woods

  • Yvonne Churchley
    Yvonne Churchleyabout 5 years ago

    LOL so very true :)))))))))))))

  • Unfortunately. LOL.

    – Rikki Woods

  • Erhan OZBIYIK
    Erhan OZBIYIKabout 5 years ago

    lol well written !! :)

  • Many thanks.

    – Rikki Woods

  • RobynLee
    RobynLeeabout 5 years ago

    LMAO;-) Very Funny & Orginial!

  • I love that you said original. Thank you so much.

    – Rikki Woods

  • bluewhite
    bluewhiteabout 5 years ago


  • LOL. Thank you.

    – Rikki Woods

  • sunnyt
    sunnytabout 5 years ago

    Been there, done that… but I’d never be able to pull this off like you do. I’ll have to practice… LOL.

  • Practice makes perfect or makes something. LOL. Thank you.

    – Rikki Woods

  • JRGarland
    JRGarlandabout 5 years ago

    By order of the President, the Governor of the state has banned the Toilet Paper Police because they went on stike for so long. It is said that it would be easier for the individual to wipe with their fingers then swish the crap off then to pay someone to go around and make sure that the rolls are stocked and in good opperating order. A so sorry for any inconvience was then given by the Governor. ,,, Oh yes, I almost forgot. Well written poem.

  • LOL. The little bastards. Thank you for this hilarious comment.

    – Rikki Woods

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