Dear Chowder Head, Numbskull here. I have thought about you a lot since the band broke up and wonder what would have happened had we all stayed together. But folks fade away or die or go to jail (not pointing you out as an example mind you but, you are the only one I know in jail,,,just sayin is all…)
Sadly our drummer Dimwit killed himself trying to change the lights in his pool. Seems he got a scuba tank and a screwdriver and went down with an extra lightbulb. When they found him the waterproof seal on the bulb enclosure was open a screwdriver was fused to the socket where the bulb would have been. Theyactually found him on the roof , head split against the chimney; apparently the scuba tank he used was his granny’s oxygen bottle.
The lead guitarist we used to count on to write half our stuff died of neurosyphillis after a long bout with Sczhizophenia. Fast Eddy got weird, I guess. It was rumored that the last days before his death he ran around the house wagging his hands loosely like an ape while singing Innagoddadavita at the top of his lungs. People in the street who heard said it sounded “just like those military songs they teach you in boot camp when you’re joggin in the heat and about to pass out.”
Even the groupies have faded away. The oriental girl you used to hang with split and it is rumored she has children by you. Some of the gals still come around but they do not have quite the appeal that they used to. The blond with the tattoos has morphed into this crazy biker bitch who feels the need to urinate frequently in public. I was talking to her about you and she pissed herself right there in a McDonalds booth (thank god those seats are plastic). She did not seem to mind the rich pungent smell of nitrogen and asparagus as she wolfed down her McMuffin and hasbrowns.
The whispy little granola girl with glasses named Michelle, is now named Mike, has a beard, and she mentioned, she has a renewed interest in meeting you, now that you are in,,, well,,,carcerated… She said you would know more than any, what being trapped was like (I do not think she meant held down and buggered…she is not that callous!)
The fat kid who was our best roady signed on to the military. He said something about being in a special out fit. Parry something… He is in good shape and runs around getting into trouble all the time. Bar fights, hookers, late for work, hungover; he said you would know all about that. I am not sure what he meant.
Margaret, Dimwit’s mom still talks about you with that wistful look. She said “the age difference is still the same and it still don’t make no difference.” I told her outa kindness you would want to hook up with her again after your term is up. (I know you wouldn’t just being kind that’s all!) She thinks you are in the military. I told her it was probably a Top Secret outfit and that is why you don’t call or write. She said that she would bang those secrets outa you just like she did after our first night of practice in her garage. She said out of all the kids who played in her garage, you were the best. “Yeah they were in and out, out and in, all the time, but he, oh, he was the best. I did not mind him coming early or late as long as he came. I wish he would come again.” Yeah well TMI for sure but I just wanted to let you know that while some things have changed, most things can be patched up, fixed up or just viewed from a different angle.
So its all good. Oh except for your son,,,yeah, well. he would not want me to tell you but I think he is turning gay because he starting to ask about wrestling and what is the safest length of time to shake a man’s hand(talk about awkward!). I told him if he was thinking what I think he was thinking that he oughta wait til you get home so as you can explain it better. He said he did not know what I meant so I said “good! Keep it that way! And wait til yer father gets home. He said “Great! Thanks for talkin with me Uncle Numby!” He tried to hug me but I stepped aside, ducked and asked about the Steelers or something. Jesus will ya get home soon Chowder head and take care of yer boy?
I’ll try and get him a date with Dimwit’s mom and she can “teach him the ropes” if you don’t mind. Or, (goin out on a limb here) I could have Michelle, “look after him”. I am sure if I winked she would “get it” and be on her knees quickly like old times. Naw , OH SHIT I fergot about “the change” she/he has undergone. He is still gentle and thoughtful though. I mean, couldn’t hurt. Well, yeah that might be just ten kindsa wrong though. Sorry I brought it up.
So what about you bro? I heard you do not sing rock anymore but do this whole Blues number??? You could cut an album like Johnny Cash, Folsom Prison Blues. BTW How is your roomie? I cannot believe they put you in with a bonafide Grand Komodo Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan! Holy shit! Does he rant? Does he get you in on the conspiracy shit? Blame everything on the Jews?( I heard one Klansman blame rattlesnakes on Jews) I think he was bit in the ass on a hike through the Toiyabe National Forest when they were practicing for the “long March” to Washington. Being extremists they wanted to train in the heat because, in their words, a little sufferin goes a long way. Well suffer they did; 15 Klanners got dehydrated, three got bit by rattlesnakes and one made it to Mississippi as governor. Thinkin his name was Wallace; talk about venemous.
So if I can get word to you every once in a while, I will try to remind you that things are not as fecked up out here as they may seem. The oceans are being polluted and the fish poisoned and the people who eat the fish get dementia or cancer and raise kids with birth defects and autism. The president is giving our tax money away to rich guys and those same cats are taking away peoples houses at a record rate and closing businesses to outsourcing just as fast.
People running for office are trying to scare everyone by blaming the big government swindle on Mexican immigrants and people who need government assistance. The Christians are fighting the Muslims and the Muslims are getting bold; further scaring the hell outa folks who just want jobs and a house.
The whole debate about global warming is over because Nutbush has left the premises, but he and his oil buddies have our boys fighting for “sovereignty” in Afghanistan. Karsai, the former Haliburton employee is still in charge over there and seems sovereign enough to me. The Iranians are making deals with the Chinese and the Russians to get control of that oil reserve geography while a man in Japan recently built a working compressed air engine that drives all day without a refill and has zero pollution!!!!.
So as you can see things are looking up. Oh, yeah Glen Beck and Sarah Palin are trying to have a baby they want to name Toti (short for totalitarianism) which they hope will hatch and thrive in America. They are radical right wingers without a clue but are increasingly being believed by the people who have eaten too much fish and by people who are still scared shitless (Thanks Nutbush!!!) about Muslims.
Oh but listen to me jabber on. Gotta get to the real point! I am sending you a cake with the you-know what-inside. The “key” to eating it will be to not swallow everything at first bite. After your treat, you will be able to decode this and a you-know-what, will be parked you-know –where and you-know who will be driving. He OR she (ain’t sayin!) may or may not be wearing a worn out baseball cap with a grinning Cat on the front. If they ask you , just act stoopit(should be easy enough, just sayin…).
Lucky for me I remembered to write this in code, so if looks all messed up and un-readable, wait for the decoder ring I will send in the cake. OKAY? Good. I can just imagine those dumbass prison guards reading this and trying to make out what I am sayin. Well f”*%K you mister sponge bob striped pants! Ha, as if they could read this HAhahahahahah!!!!
Okay, gotta go, mum’s the word. You know we will take care of your son. As a matter of fact we chipped in and got him tickets to a western movie; something – something Mountain… He needs those manly influences! Okay well, Take care, ever, yer old buddy Numbskull
A man of questionable intelligence writes to his friend in jail and tries to catch him up on the latest news etc.