That morning, we could never have known it would be the last time you would walk out our door…never to return. The cruelty of that sudden change from normalcy to nightmare in the blink of an eye…I lost you. We were just chatting; I took some pictures of you in your hospital gown you modeled ala “Jack Nickelson” style. Excited like a little kid to have a new pair of hospital bootie socks. Talking about picking up your art at the Health Dept after… After never came. Even had an appointment with your cardiologist; who actually gave you a clean bill of health where your heart was concerned…had to cancel for you; you were on your way to Walnut Creek in an ambulance and 2 days in the hyperbaric chamber; the only treatment that might save you. But it took 10 hours for them to get you there. During Rush Hour.
You were excited about our yard sale in Reedley on Saturday, we even had our spot picked out and paid for. You had been working the whole day before…getting ready; your tent packed, the table and umbrella ready to put in the truck with it’s bright orange finial, probably the last thing you ever painted. You washed the shelves out on the lawn and got everything you were wearing wet. As Usual. You tossed them over your easel to dry… And there they remain today. Undisturbed…Sacred. Your last work; and you worked hard, as you did on everything. Each project you took on, you did with enthusiasm and concentration…and let the chips fall where they may; we’ll clean up later, and you always did. Except. Now.
It’s later; and the clean-up is in my lap. These months seem so unreal—it was like just yesterday I heard you thumping around upstairs, worried about the time…we could never quite get that figured out…my ADD brain always 20 minutes behind yours, but we tolerated each other’s quirks, supported each other’s projects; took care of each other…cherished each other; protected each other—but I was powerless to protect you that day; and I am so so utterly sorry! I wish something would have changed the course of that morning. Maybe if I had made us REALLY LATE…Too bad, we’ll have to reschedule the procedure…OOhhh, you would have been pretty upset, but you would still be here! I feel like I failed you, your life ended before my eyes, before my mind could comprehend what was happening and before my heart could realize that it was being torn apart.
I am still mutilated by this reality that I don’t want—Go AwaY! Bring my Rey Back! I need him…I miss him terribly. I Love Him.
I will always love you Honey…I will not soon recover from this.
Another arduous month has passed; you are still not here. I replay those hours; minutes…seconds, over and over in my head, trying to make some sense of this senseless tragedy playing out in my life. but there are no answers; just futile attempts to feebly pick up the jagged shards of a life shattered. And try not to give in to the desire to cut out my heart in the wake of my sorrow.