Longing

November 12, 2007

I am longing for my children. I had six in all. One ended in a miscarriage, the other 5, I gave for adoption several years ago. My first marriage was horrible. My husband at the time turned out to be an alcoholic. He stole money from my purse. The money was supposed to pay for next month’s rent. He took it without a care. I was faced with the hardest decision to make of my life—Giving my children up for adoption. I couldn’t stand the thought of my children being without a home. Beforehand, my first husband kept leaving us then returning making new promises of change. I wanted to believe him each time. I gave his several opportunities to change. I did not judge him as a bad man. I was big enough to realize that he couldn’t love himself, let alone a child. The whole situation I was in, was a big mess. I didn’t stand a chance at being a mom then. Later, I found out that my first husband got into trouble with the law. At that time in my life I had not known love anywhere. My parents were abusive. So pretty much I had been desperate to be loved. I didn’t have a family that was supportive of me. They had problems of their own. I felt like an outsider looking in, not just of my family but also within myself. I had changed alot through the years thanks to my ex-husband(now). I divorced him several years ago. I have long since remarried. I’ve basically started my life all over again. I still think about my children now & again. I ponder how they are doing & whether or not I made the right choice by giving them up for adoption. Questions like: Are my children safe with their new families? Are they happy? It’s the not knowing that cuts deep. In the state where I live there is no such thing as open-adoption. Even if you put your children’s needs first, makes no difference in this state. I pray they will return to me when they turn 18 years old. I count down the days in all hope of that possibility. My second husband is a good man. An honorable man. A tall man in my opinion. He loves & accepts me that way that I am. He’s shown me how wonderful of a person I really am. That was something I could not see in myself. I had believed all the lies my parents told me. Anyways.. that’s my life in a nutshell.

My second husband has helped me through some pretty rough times for me. My best friend & minister, Martha says, “You two are like teenage lovebirds.” To make a long story short. I wish I hadn’t had my tubes tied. My husband & I would have loved to have had our own child. We are looking into all the options. I thought a week ago, there was a slight possibility. Instead the symptoms I was having was the onslaught of PMS. I was crushed. My period was late by four days. Day 5, Aunt Flo came to town. I pondered to, if I would have been pregnant, would it have been etopic. All etopic pregnancies are terminated. The Doctor in Brazil tried to transfer the embryo from the tubes to the uterus, but the pregnancy did not end with a live birth. That info does not help any woman suffering from etopic pregnancy because then she has to live with the scar of being forced to terminate the baby. I read such a story online. A woman was etopic, had an ultrasound done & the baby had a heartbeat but there was no way to save the baby. Tragic. No words can express such a frustration of pain.

Anyways… like I said before, my husband & I are looking into all the options. It’s cheaper for an IVF than to adopt. So, we are specifically into that. The average costs for the whole process seems between $14,900 to $25,000 (in order for it to be guaranteed pregnancy).

As a result, my husband & I are looking for ways to raise this kind of money. Tried the stock market, but it looks to be very unstable right now. We are defidently NOT going to go for any online home based business frauds! My husband is semi-retired home remodeler (he’s 65yrs.). I’m trying to reach within figuring out my skill, hobbies, talents to see if any of my talents are sell-able like a service?! $25,000 is alot of money. I mean, realistically, It’s not like someone or someones are going to hand you money on a silver platter—sort of speak without strings attached. And you can’t go to a bank to take out a loan that big because banks don’t have financial loans for IVF procedures. My husband & I are working very hard to come up with that kind of money.

I think my biggest problem is that I contribute to alot of charities. You donate to one & then somehow every charity organization has you tagged. I have one from the Children’s Charity Fund, Feed the Children, Mouth & Foot Painting Artists, Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, Paralyzed Veterans of America, Sacred Heart League, National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund, Susan G. Komen For The Cure, The Smile Train, Habitat for Humanity, Girls & Boys Town, Salesian Mission, Operation Blessing International, etc. Finally I got to the point where I said Enough! I’m not rich. Sounds like it since all these charities send me their “I want your money flyers.” I decided along time ago to donate to only three per month.

I think my problems is, is that I’m such a softy when it comes to helping people. This time though, I’ve got to help myself. If I’m going to save for a baby, I’ve got to stop making all these contributions. I know all these people need help. They will always need help. The truth is, I yearn to have a baby. To be a mother. I want to be able to carry a child 9 months to give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. To rock my baby in my arms. To kiss him or her goodnight or throughout the day. To read a bed time story when he/she is older. To sing a lullaby to help my baby/child fall asleep. To hold his/her tiny hand. To see him/her crawl or walk. To hear their first word(s). It feels like I’m missing out on being a mom. Wish me luck! Goodnight.

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