There once was a little girl named Red Riding Hoody. This was because she always wore a Red Hoody when she was pimping around the town with her large group of unintelligent and easily influenced friends.
Red Riding Hoody lived at home with her mother. Her father had gone away when she was three years old, leaving behind nothing but a large debt, a crumpled photo and three full ashtrays in various parts of the house. All of those things were still right where he left them.
One day, Little Red Riding Hoody’s Mother called her into the lounge room, where she was having an emphysaema-induced coughing fit.
“Red,” She wheezed. “Your Grandmother is in court-ordered rehab again, and I need you to smuggle her in this basket of gin, or we both know she’ll hit the turps and we’ll end up having to pull her off the roof of the ward, or your uncle, again.” She paused for one more very big cough and then said: “But don’t piss around on the way! Straight there and straight back! And don’t take the alleyway where your Dad used to get his shit from!”
“Yes Mama.” Replied Red Riding Hoody sweetly, and with that she took the basket of gin, secreted one of the bottles under her own mattress, posted a Twitter status update, and left the house.
But in the deep, dark internet forest, someone saw her Twitter update.
Red Riding Hoody skipped along the street, performing minor acts of vandalism and general delinquency on her way. She had only just stopped to pour a bottle of urine into a post box, when a funny-smelling man came up to her.
“Hullo Little Girl.” He said. “My name is Big Eddie, and your Daddy owes me a lot of money.”
Red Riding Hoody knew that her mother had told her not to dally, but this man seemed so nice, she was sure it wouldn’t do any harm.
“My name’s Red Riding Hoody.” she chirped. “Red for short.”
“And where are you headed, Red?” inquired the smelly man.
“I’m visiting my Grandmother in rehab” Red replied ‘They stop her from drinking when she goes in there, and then she usually tries to kill my uncle or jump off a roof, so I’m bringing her some delicious gin to prevent further litigation this time.”
“And where is your Grandmother’s rehab?” Eddie asked.
“Why, just at the end of the street. I really have to get there soon though, or I’ll miss visiting hours and Mum will be terribly pissed off.”
“Well, don’t let me keep you.” Smelly Eddie smiled an eerie smile and headed off down an alleyway.
Red stayed at the post box a little while longer though, until she had finished pouring in the urine.
While Red Riding Hoody was dallying, Big Eddie was quickly taking a shortcut to the rehab centre. He had a very naughty plan to get his money back off Red’s father.
When he got to the rehab centre, he went straight to Grandma’s room. She opened the door in a withdrawal daze, and Big Eddie knocked her right on the head! Quickly, before Red Riding Hoody arrived, he put on her grandmother’s clothes and climbed into the bed.
Having grown bored with general delinquency, Red Riding Hoody trotted up to the big, white rehab centre, and knocked on her Grandmother’s door.
“Who is it?” Came a surprisingly deep voice.
.”It’s just me Gran.” She replied.
“Oh! Come in dear! The door’s open.” The voice enthused.
Red did pause for a moment to wonder why her Grandmother had suddenly changed her term of endearment to “Dear”, when she had seemed fond of “Shithead” all these years. Remembering Grandma was in withdrawal, she decided not to think too much of it and entered the little room.
It was very dark inside and smelled a bit funny.
“Hullo dear.” Said that same, hoarse voice. “What have you brought me?”
“Just some gin, Gran.” Red placed the basket on the floor next to the bedside table, and crept tentatively closer to the bed.
“How have you been?” Continued the voice as Red peered at the figure under the quilt.
“Why are you dressed like my Gran, Big Eddie?”
“Um…” Having expected a bit more dialogue prior to moment of Crisis in the story, Big Eddie was momentarily put off. “Well,” he said “I was planning to kidnap you and hold you ransom to get back the money your father owes me.”
To Eddie’s surprise, Red giggled.
“He pissed off when I was three, Big Eddie, what makes you think he’d give a shit?!” she exclaimed.
Big Eddie thought about this.
“Oh yes, I see your point” he said. “Well then, I suppose I’m just going to have to kill you.” He pulled a big knife out of his jacket and brandished it menacingly.
Little Red Riding Hoody, not being unfamiliar to these sorts of situations, was just preparing her very best verbal expletive when… SMACK!
Big Eddie’s head made a horrible noise indeed as it collided with the gin bottle in Grandma’s hand.
And so, the police were called, and Big Eddie went back to prison the second he got out of the hospital and regained full cognitive function.
Grandma finished rehab and got straight onto preparing for her next court-ordered stint.
And Red went back to her life of delinquency, in a society that refused to implement sufficient anti-delinquency disciplinary tactics, and they all lived happily ever after.