Rebekah Anderson

1. You know you drink too much when it’s Thursday night and you’re shaving your legs with a shower squeegee. And it takes ten minutes to figure out why it isn’t working.

2. When counselling a friend, never (apparently EVER) point out the upshot as: “It’s not the dumbest thing you’ve done.”

3. There is a reason pool tables are usually only found in licensed venues. Pool sucks if you’re sober.

4. Repeat after me: “I cannot control who sits next to me on the train. I cannot control who sits next to me on the train…”

5. “I’ll call you” is just a figure of speech.

6. When counselling friends, “Am I an idiot? Be honest.” is NOT under ANY circumstances an invitation to concur. It is a trap.

7. Well-loved television chef Jamie Oliver is not aware of the actual meaning of his heavily favoured word: “literally”. Every time he claims he is “literally going to put something in the oven for ten minutes”, the question is unavoidably raised: Are there people out there who have just been figuratively putting things in their ovens? Granted, Jamie’s vocabulary would, in such instances, correct critical errors in technique, but do such people deserve to have properly cooked food? Is the planet really going to miss the odd metaphysicist here and there? (1)

8. Refrain from counselling friends. Refer them to the appropriate healthcare professionals.

(1) Just kidding, metaphysicists. We’re still cool right?