quackakeri

Being a student who explores the many number of possibilities of a future, you start to wonder is it all worth it? I have injected so much effort into my education due to the emotion i feel when i see the A’s on that paper. That very paper, one sheet, that could change your mood and future. One letter can change you’re mood and future. My main aim on life is to change other people’s lives. I dont care how, i just want, i crave to make a person stand and smile, allow them to be consumed into a moment of clarity and belonging that i just gave to them. When you are a poet and a photographer, you start to look at the world through different perspectives which to you may allow you to explore the many possiblities and pathways that humanity offers. But for me, every new avenue opened by my own observations submerges me deeper into the confusion and anguish of who i really want to be, what i call my abyss. Im touched by everything, not sexually, because of the original ways i look at things. The work of a comedian makes me laugh which makes me feel happy and intern makes me want to be a comedian, so i can make people laugh. This applys various careers: acting, photographing, singing, drawing, painting, music producing, presenting, writing, designing, filming and film production, climatologist the list could go on. I feel such a warmth from any aspect of entertainment that the very thought of making someones day a little more worth it makes me contemplate whether the path i was pressured to choose was wrong. Thats why i hate education and the pressure loaded onto students at the end or start of a new junction in their life. You have to sign up to this quick or you will miss your chance, you must have a career in mind for you to really perservere… the pressure is devestating to normal people like me who just want to explore and enjoy life.

I suppose this journal entry exists to say that the science path im regretfully going down is the wrong path but is it too late? I want to be creative, be a poet and an artist, showcase my work and make people feel and embrace the beauty of the world through the very language we use everyday. I dont wanna be stuck in a flower shop regretting because regret is the worsteststststst feeling you could ever feel.

I think it all really depends on me personally because not everyone feels the way i do about my future. I am such an unpredictable and individual person which is beautiful sometimes because you can exist in a world where you are yourself. But, it’s not as simple as that especially when you have such low confidence. I want to be different and individual, i am, but it’s hard to be the one people dont think twice about. The weird one who wheres strange clothes, the one who can’t fit nicely into a sterotype so is kicked off the scene completely. It’s exactly that reason i try so hard to be different that i end up being the same as everyone else: a person who is just as individual as the the group of individuals other there. When you have such a shattered confidence, trying to exist as a person of difference is hard. Thats why i try so desperatley to be someone else and by doing so i’ve lost who i am really am. But trying to fit in, i’ve fell out of reality and lost touch with the personality traits i used to have. The only thing true to myself, that has had no influence from other people and their opinions is my poetry. My dear sweet sweet refuge of the english language.

Writing all this out has made it clear to me that my individuality is just everyone else merged into one. I’m a fraud and a liar who needs a personality of their own. I can only allow you to imagine how it feels to exist as everybody else whilst watching your old soul burn deep into the flames that destroy reality.

Thankyou. just for letting me write this.