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Cambridge, United Kingdom
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On Scrap Metal…
It’s oh-so-easy to make a bit of money selling on your old jewelery to rip-off companies through these cash-for-gold websites –…
On mocking Jehovah, and mocking him hard…
a source of endless material for deity-curious atheists and acolytes of The Holy Church of Don’t Be A Dick.
On weird charity shops
“That,” I said as we drove through the desolate wastes of Easton, “is the weirdest charity shop I have ever seen.”
BISCUIT UPDATE – PAY ATTENTION
You will note that Jaffa Cakes are omitted from this list. And that is because they are cake. Number One in the list of Top Ten Cake.
Shaving with Gravy
Unless you have extensive market research that proves the opposite, no man wants to shave his face with spunk, for it is ten shades of wron…
Petrol Station Woe
It’s that kind of person who makes me so angry that I nearly say something.
On the aftermath of the revloution to depose Hosn…
Congratulations to the people of Egypt for enduring in their peaceful revolution to overthrow the crooked regime of Hosni Mubarak and his c…
Fish Finger Sarnies – Woe
This on the back of breakfast cereals being sold in bowl-sized portions with a plastic spoon and a splash of milk. And let us not forget pr…
No man should be forced to live with the affront and humiliation of soggy biscuit defeat through the complete tectonic failure of what I wr…
On Dark Matter
I note with some interest your theories on quantum physics, and offer you my expertise on the matter (geddit?).
On Improvising In The Kitchen
“We were out of chocolate sprinkles.” / “And…?” / “I improvised.”
On Finally Acknowledging The Truth
“I’m sorry sir, we’re completely out of rhubarb crumble. Would you like to choose something else?” Quel horreur! Wh…
An open letter to the Mad Christian Fundamentalis…
Religion has fucked up the world enough as it is without like likes of you and your endless twattery making it worse.
Call Centre Hell
Don’t you just love automated call centres? Automated, of course, for your convenience.
Dear The British Medical Journal…
my neighbour turned to me asked the question that is the nub of this very branch of scientific research: “How many cats do you reckon…
On Osama finally listening…
Time and time again I’ve told Osama Bin Laden to tone things down a bit and change the bloody record.
Toilet Seat Hell
Desperate, all the other stalls occupied, and willing to take a risk, I decided to go for it on the bog with the broken seat.
Dear The Government
don’t worry, because I’ve had a spunker of an idea that will make that miserable toff Cameron look like the wet weed that he is.
On Left/Right Confusion
No point in arguing with this impeccable logic.
On The Daily Mail
I felt it was my duty, then, to kick Littlejohn right in the face, and to take my life in my hands and liberate the front page copy.
INFLUENTIAL THINK TANK CALLS FOR ACTION ON CLIMAT…
Citizens are also urged to help this process of “Global Cooling” by leaving their refrigerator doors open for three hours per d…
A Letter To The BNP
You are a complete disgrace of a human being, not fit to lick the boots of those who died for the freedom of this nation
Dear Cambridge Paranormal Investigation Team
Our local gang of paranormal investigators, meddling with dark, dark forces of which they know nothing have hit the local press with their …
A Day At The Beach
I kindly point out that the craft in question wouldn’t go woosh if it were powered by the bastard lovechild of Lance Armstrong and St…
You could almost get away with calling them “hand-reared, corn-fed and organically farmed” with all the mung bean casserole slo…
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Sucker (NOT PLEASA…
Publicly disgusted but secretly impressed, “You sick, sick fucker” and “Just wait until we tell EVERYBODY” and R…
On getting told off as an adult
And there I was, the one day in my life I was actually in a DIY store buying a doorbell, thoroughly testing each and every tune – James May…
I’ve read The Da Vinci Code, and therefore I know everything there is to know about this sort of tough theological question that has …
On Alan Sugar’s Rule of Meeting Participati…
“A meeting has gone on for too long the moment you have created a list of other participants arranged in order of which you’d l…
Dear Osama Bin Laden…
While you’ve been scratching your arse in a cave, the world’s moved on
Andy was a militant vegan, recently made reduntant from a health food shop. When he told the Job Centre this fact, they immediately found h…
On getting grabbed by the ghoulies
Ever experienced a ‘presence’, or unexplained sights or sounds? Witnessed something strange you can’t explain? Do you feel uneasy in your o…
The fine art of making tea outside the British Is…
If the stuff they put into British tea bags is reputedly the sweepings of the floor in the tea factory, God alone knows what’s left f…
On a bit of time in the army doing ’em good…
Gangs of spork-wielding hoodies roaming the streets, high on wallpaper paste and scaring old ladies stupid with a Wildean wit and a packet …
On pressing ‘B’…
A handset that was planted, with no little power, straight into your narrator’s trouser parts.
“I’m telling you,” said Gaz over his pint of tasty, tasty Guinness, “Believe you me, Rottweilers make awful Guide D…
Flat Pack Contraception…
within approximately ten minutes, that you are no longer on speaking terms with each other, let alone be in a position to play with each ot…
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Joust
God knows why I did it. I still don’t know to this day. I knew it would hurt. In fact, I knew it would be agony, yet I still did it.
The hunter’s horn fills the air, over barks and yelps, cries of “Tally Ho!” For this is England.
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Party
As one mob, we staggered over to the none-more-posh Red Cow, Bar and Carvery, where the manager met us with a welcoming “Fuck off or …
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Pickle
Every school had a mono-browed frog-eating psycho, and Mad Paul was ours.
who in their right mind would buy a second-hand pie machine?
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Snuff
Snuff – that’s ground-up tobacco that you then snort up your nose and sneeze like a bastard.
On the one thing a man should never do
If there’s one thing that no man should ever do, it is to engage in sexual congress whilst wearing socks.
On manners not costing a thing…
I fled to the safety of my nearby car, to see the thug roar off at speed, screech to another halt 100 yards down the road, and roundly abus…
Tales of Mirth and Woe – Launcher!
Laughing evilly, we returned to Nick’s bedroom-cum-lab to make Loud Powder.
On fiery nuclear destruction…
Once again, the world finds itself on a knife-edge as those North Korean curs insist on letting off bloody great explosions even after they…
Lab of DOOM!
After a full five minutes of not paying attention to our all-to-bleedin’-obvious fate, our attention had wondered. No longer were we waitin…
It had been months since they had closed down Science Club after That Nitro-Glycerine Thing, and no-one had dared try something so wonderfu…
Then, as I stifled my giggles, we heard the words we dreaded most: “Won’t you boys join me in a slice?” / Not on your bloody life, mate, we…
Rummaging around in freezing cold sheds and garages provided we merry few with planks of wood and endless supplies of gaffer tape, which wo…
Slide of DOOM!
So we settled for mind-bending death-defying skills instead, which basically involved jumping over hawthorn hedges on your mum’s Raleigh Sh…
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