She loves him. Of that she is almost sure. It hurts too much for it not be love. She remembers a few lines from a long forgotten folk song; “you know when you’ve found it because it hurts when they take it away.” And all she feels is pain. Pain that is so deep it cuts into her very core and leaves scars. No matter what happens she always believes there is hope. And she hates herself for it. Her heart has been ripped out and ignored, yet she’s still too in love to let go. She wishes she could hate him. Then at least it wouldn’t hurt so much. She is slowly losing what little sanity she has left and all control. She can’t say why she loves him and to her that’s the strongest love; there is no reasoning behind it, it’s just there. She has finally hit the lowest low. No one can bring her up. No amount of drugs, drink or therapy can ever make her okay again. She cares so much about him she’s forgotten about everything else completely including her health and wellbeing. She can’t sleep at night because every time she closes her eyes there he is standing there, reminding her that he exists. She’s so scared to tell him how she feels because she’s so scared he might not care and she stands to lose him forever if she bares her soul. She feels his presence everywhere. She sees his face in strangers eyes.
The pain has got so great she has decided to give up altogether. It’s the only choice she feels she has. There is a war raging inside of her. She knows that part of her would feel so miserable if she was ever faced with the possibility that she may never see him again. Another part of her wishes she didn’t have to see him because seeing him and talking to him has become such a torture for her. It kills her a little everyday. Every time she sees him, she can clearly picture him loving that other girl so dearly. But he would never love her. She is nothing more than a friend to him, not even a good friend, just someone he was thrown together with. Something that was down to chance. Her existence is nothing meaningful to him and the truth of that stabs right through her heart. She will smile and laugh sincerely in front of him because she loves him but she’ll cry and hurt so deeply when he’s not around because he doesn’t love her and never will. All that she has is what he didn’t take.
Her decision has been made. She needs to see this through. She slowly climbs the stairs to the second floor. Her tears blur her vision as she stumbles into the room where it all began. She walks over to his chair and sits down. She tries to picture what he sees. Does he look at her when she is not looking? Or is that just wishful thinking on her part? She gets up and walks over to the window. She prays that they don’t blame him. She did this and at least she can do something about it now.
Slowly she opens the window and flinches as the cold air hits her face and plays with the strands of her hair. She carefully climbs out onto the window ledge and sits down. She’s glad that it’s still early and there’s hardly anyone around. She stares down at the ground and thinks of what she wants to say to him. The only words that she can think to say are: “I love you, and no matter what happens I will still love you and I still think of you all the time. I know it means nothing to you, but you mean everything to me. I’m just asking you to care“.
She knows that these are words better left unsaid even though they break her heart. She stands up carefully on the ledge as the tears stream down her face. She realises that there is a sense of calm, a sense of relief and purpose now that she has made this decision. She steps out into the air and falls soundlessly to the ground below.
As she lies on the cold ground, the morning rain mixing with her tears, her last thought is that she loved him. Of that she is almost sure.