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A real life world expert

Have you ever wanted to be the best at something? The very best? The best in the entire world? Imagine – no one out of the six billion human beings on this planet can do this thing better than you. You are the Earth ambassador of said activity.

Well, as unbelievable as it sounds, this website’s very own Pete Malicki fits this category. He is a world expert. The best.

But what can he do that no one else in the world can do better? Is it something to do with writing? Music perhaps? Didn’t he say he was an environmentalist? Is he totally fast at recycling or something?

Let me tell you a story:

Many weeks ago, we were sitting around our respective televisions watching ‘Heroes’, trying to work out what the fuck evolution has to do with time travel, when the power cut out.

‘Thank God for that,’ we all sighed. But our relief was short-lived, as the screen was filled with the horrible visage of an alien from outer space. It’s gravelly voice came screeching through our speakers, and we sat transfixed.

‘My name is Guur. I am an alien from the planet Homius Phobius. I am the leader of this spacecraft. My passengers and I are outcasts, because we are gay and our kind shun homosexuals.’

‘Gayliens,’ I mused from my perch. ‘Original.’

‘We need a new place to call home and we saw your planet. It looks okay, and we have already observed like-minded creatures. Unfortunately we are very large, and it would suit us better if we eradicated your species. We are not a kind kind, but we gay aliens understand prejudice, and we wish to be fair. In two days from now, our best man will challenge your best man to an activity of our choosing. Prepare yourselves for elimination! … … … How’d that go honey? Yeah? Do you think I was contradicting myself too much? Yeah? Shucks, you’re so supportive. Come here. Let me fondle your smizmon. Ooh yeah, you like that? You like it when I touch you there?’

Two days and much vomitus later, Earthlings assembled in an open field somewhere as we watched the alien ship land. Out waddled Guur, and he spoke directly into our minds. ‘We have agreed upon the test that will decide the fate of mankind. Are you ready to face elimination?’

There were cries and jeers from the assembled humanage.

‘Naardiiku, bring out… the Wii!’

All went silent.

‘Naardiiku, crack out… Rayman!’

All gasped.

‘Go to the mini-game selection screen. Okay, now pick out… Bunnies Have A Great Ear For Music!’

All went silent, again. The assembled crowd looked at each other. ‘Where is he?’ they whispered. ‘Where is the "world champion?’": Alas, there was no reply. The world champion could not be found. ‘He isn’t here. We’d better get the next best thing. Where is jdsampsonite?’

’I’m here,’ called jdsampsonite, and he rose above the crowd. He walked out towards Guur and the gay aliens’ ship, ready to take up the Wiimote. Just as he was about to take Naardiiku’s offering, a great cry cut him off. ’He’s here! The world champion is here!’

And from out of the mists came the world champion, wind in his hair, stars in his eyes. ‘Hand it to me, jdsampsonite.’

jdsampsonite bowed low, and handed the Wiimote to his superior.

Needless to say, the aliens were defeated and left our planet in peace.

True story. And in fact, I even beat that score to such a degree that the website did not accept the code generated as it was higher than the game’s creators thought possible to obtain.

So if aliens ever take over, and they want to challenge us to that specific mini-game, in Rayman Raving Rabbids, on the Wii, fear not, I will save Earth again!

A real life world expert


Joined January 2009

  • Artist

Artist's Description

How I saved the world from aliens. A very true story.

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