A month ago, I was sitting in a doctor’s office perusing a magazine rack filled with reading materials from 2009—or earlier. There was your 20/20 magazine (I was at the eye doctor), your Car & Driver (featuring the new 2009 Chevy Corvette), the much-loved Highlights magazine for kids (with those cool hidden pictures) and, of course, a selection of popular men’s and women’s publications. (Have you heard of this new phenomenal singer Susan Boyle?)
As my daughter and I laughed at the magazine topics, I began to notice a distinct and disturbing trend. Magazines geared toward women featured stories that included “100 Ways to Look Hot NOW!!” (since it was August in Utah, it wasn’t too hard to look, not only hot, but downright sweaty); “Look Good in a Bikini” (I’m assuming they meant, “Look good in a muumuu on the Bikini Islands”); “5 Foods That Melt Fat” (Warning: toffee did not make the list); and “Lose 10 pounds by Tomorrow” (this advice included severing a body part).
However, publications meant for the male gender seemed focused on an entirely different set of rules. “Improve Your Golf Swing” was followed by “Deep-Sea Fishing Adventures” and “Are You Drinking Too Much Water?” Men were also counseled on how to “Get Rich Quick” and “Understand Your Significant Other.” (Let me tell you, men, unless your “significant other” is a pizza and a six-pack, you’ll never understand us. Mwahahahaha.)
My point is, there was NO advice for men about blasting fat, buying sexy lingerie, balancing career and family, or getting rid of cellulite. So what gives? Why do women have to focus on weight loss and looking younger while men can go deep-sea fishing and acquire wealth?
Like everything else wrong with this world, I blame global warming and the government. But after I blame them, I blame women for buying into this crap. We’re slowly killing ourselves by starving our bodies back to our birth weight and engaging in plastic surgery for every new wrinkle.
And we wonder why more women in Utah are taking antidepressants than ever before. Well, the craziness stops here.
I’m going to create a new magazine for women titled Just Be Happy. The publication will have articles like “Taste Test the new Ben & Jerry flavors—Without feeling guilty,” “Relax Without Fear,” “The Art of Napping,” “If You Don’t Lose 10 Pounds in One Week—It’s Okay” and “Teaching Your Kids To Make Their Own Damn Breakfast.”
On the flip side, the magazine I’m going to produce for men will include “Look Hot in a Speedo” (Just kidding. No one looks hot in a Speedo), “How to Use a Vacuum,” “How to Look Like You’re Actually Listening,” “You Too Can Make Dinner” and “Deflate that Spare Tire Around Your Middle.”
In the end, the world will be a much better place. And if I get started now, those magazines will hit your doctor’s shelves within the next five years.
As my daughter and I laughed at the magazine topics, I began to notice a distinct and disturbing trend.