Royal Pain

Thinking of traveling in April? You could attend the Barcelona Guitar Festival or the Butterfly Valley breeding celebration (I’m not sure if the butterflies or residents are breeding), or— from the country that brought us airplane-delaying volcanic activity—there’s Iceland’s music festival: Muiktilraunir. It’s even Michigan Glass Month.

But if you happen to visit London, you might want to stop by Westminster Abbey on April 29 (because the Royals love surprise guests) and be a part of the most extreme marriage spectacle in recent history.

The instant Prince William (can I call him Bill?) and Kate Middleton announced their engagement, companies around the world began to create the most outlandish royal wedding merchandise possible. You have your commemorative plates, tea towels, pill boxes, paper dolls and coins. But you can also purchase barf bags or condoms featuring a picture of the royal duo. Or, if your kitchen needs something new, the Bill and Kate refrigerator features a life-size photo of the happy couple. That should scare the crap out of you when you’re sneaking a midnight snack. (I couldn’t MAKE this stuff up.)

Hotels are offering Royal Wedding Packages, but if that’s out of your price range, you can stop by the Big Royal Wedding Campground that will fit up to 10,000 anglophile campers. It’s kind of the English version of Woodstock—only with tea, posh manners and no cool music.

Nearly 2,000 gilt-edged invitations were sent out for the wedding service. (Mine hasn’t arrived—-yet. Stupid mailman.) Following the wedding spectacle. . .I mean, ceremony. . .a reception will be held at Buckingham Palace, hosted by Her Majesty The Queen. And I don’t think “traveling in coach” means the same thing to us commoners as it does to Bill and Kate. The royal family agreed to pay for the lavish wedding, to which Kate Middleton’s father was heard to say, “You bet your royal %&@, you are!”

I don’t know why TV networks haven’t jumped on this to create a “Royal Bridezilla” program where Kate the Shrew comes unglued when her honeymoon hat is only big enough to nest a small pterodactyl. But you KNOW there will be sappy made-for-TV movies about Bill and Kate’s relationship that will make the Hallmark Channel look like “Jersey Shore.”

This wedding will be something completely different from a Utah wedding where guests imbibe red punch spiked with Sprite and shoot back paper cups full of nut mix while colorful streamers hang tastefully off a basketball hoop in the cultural hall of the local church.

With two choirs, two fanfare teams, one orchestra, hundreds of “important” people, lots of genteel waving, an interactive map of the wedding procession and even a Royal Wedding iPod app, this wedding is sure to be a hot topic for months—even when we’re sick of it. Which I am.

And what will Kate’s title be? Princess Di’s official title was Her Royal Highness The Princess Charles Philip Arthur George, Princess of Wales and Countess of Chester, Duchess of Cornwall, Duchess of Rothesay, Countess of Carrick, Baroness of Renfrew, Lady of the Isles, Princess of Scotland. (Again—I can’t MAKE this up.) I’ll just call Kate Mrs. Bill.

But if weddings aren’t your thing and you still want to attend something syrupy sweet and silly, you can attend the Sweet Sugar World Meeting in Italy complete with sugar sculptures, games and a free buffet! Cheerio, old chaps!

Royal Pain


Kearns, United States

  • Artist

Artist's Description

Build-up to the royal wedding has sucked up more TV air time than Obama’s birth certificate and “The Voice” promos combined.

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