What can you even say you know when you’re staring in her whatevers, eyes I mean, and you’re like “Wow” aloud but really you’re cursing ‘cause they look like rain. And her eyes look like rain and I’m cursing because rain doesn’t always feel good and when it’s cold it feels worse unless you’re hot and then shower sex can fix it all, only I’m cold, so I’m just getting sick.
Then what can you even say when she licks her lips which are all like dry and desert like parched so I’m just like “So that’s it.” out loud but really I’m shivering ‘cause her eyes are like rain and I cant touch her lips.
And then I can’t even say anything because she looks down and I’m sweating now so I think “fuck” ‘because her eyes are gone and I’m burning for her.
So I stay quiet and then Lucy’s gone and I see her back and the curves and aloud I’m like “bye.” But honestly I’m dying to run my hand down her spine and make each vertebra curl and then it’ll play that song I like between my fingers but I can’t and that’s it. She walks away.
Her back’s turned and then she’s around the corner and I’m sort of standing there and then Garrett comes up real close and pats my back and goes “Wasn’t worth it man.” Except for she was worth it but how could he know? He’s got his own shit and his own girl who is worth it but maybe he doesn’t know because Garrett always said he knew more than he did. I turn around and start walking. He does a really good job of proving phonetically that he isn’t stupid and he isn’t and we all know that because he does a really good job of proving phonetically that he isn’t. Because he isn’t, but I don’t feel sane right now so right now, he is.
And phonetically speaking Lucy proved that she is. Gone I mean and maybe more than gone maybe she just sort of flew away but not like Peter Pan did because even though Peter doesn’t know shit about time, he always comes back. I mean she flew away more like Amelia Earhart who just sort of never came back but we don’t know what happened to her so she could have still lived. Only, we don’t know and now Garrett’s mumbling something about having to go see Liz, who’s his girl but really his girl and he’s not really her boy.
So now Nicole’s standing next to me but she’s not touching me and well no shit she’s not touching me but she’s not and that’s that. “Carson,” I think she pauses but who cares. “Lucy is a bitch.” But she doesn’t say it like she’s vindicated she just says it all soft and not really meaning that Lucy is a bad person more that she wants to be with me, only she isn’t Lucy so I don’t want her near me. But Nicole is holding my arm but really lightly so it doesn’t hurt too badly even though I’m scorching without the rain. Garrett’s gone but maybe he’ll wake up and fucking realize that Liz is the only one who’ll ever, for fucking ever, believe that he’s as smart as he likes to prove. Phonetically, of course.
My car is in front of me and I guess Nicole pushed me towards it but I don’t see why; I’m not sane right now, but how could she know? She believes that Garrett’s smart but not because he proves it phonetically but because she sees his real smartness, the kind you can’t prove because it’s just innately there. But anyway I guess I must seem sane because I’m behind the wheel and Nicole is next to me and then I’m driving, except for I don’t know where I’m driving to, but I’m driving and maybe that’s just the point. What do you even do when you’re you know you’re not sane and you’re so tired that the headlights become stars and the streetlamps become thousands of Venuses and Marses in their loneliness. I always liked the Greek names better. Venus hurts but Aphrodite….that sings doesn’t it? It just sings in your ear like a mockingbird, which is sort of what Nicole is becoming.
My own personal mockingbird, now wont you stop singing, pretty bird stop singing…I can’t take it.
I can’t take it so I pull over or Nicole makes me pull over and I’m losing the commas in my mind again so I open the door and then I’m on the curb and I’m heaving. I’m heaving and I’m pulsing and I’m throbbing and emerging and I’m trying so hard to ignore that I’m next to a bunch of puffball dandelions. Lucy likes dandelions. The commas are coming back and I’m just sitting, but I can’t really look anywhere. My mind isn’t letting me fill in the blanks beyond my peripherals, but the commas are coming back. I’m shivering and then I see and my head is pushing images back into my peripherals but they’re all of her, and I know she isn’t there. But it’s nice to dream I guess. I lean back and look up. Nicole’s sitting down next to me with her knees pulled in tight, I guess so that any guy who wants to get a glimpse of gold will be obstructed by them. My shoulder tingles, so I look at Nicole and she’s looking at my like plaintively but her eyes aren’t like rain. They’re like fire. Want isn’t fire though, so I know it’s not lust.
“Carson, stop fucking waiting for her,” and I know it’s my turn to talk and inside I’m saying that ‘I know,’ or ‘Its hard but right now all I want is you and I want
“You didn’t know her.” And I’m thinking of the curve in her back where the spine is straight and her waist begins to slide out into hips, and then that song I like, if only because I hear it in her spine at that point, starts playing in my mind. It’s too much, I guess, so I lean over and I whisper real quiet or maybe I shout real loud, but either way I’m speaking to Nicole, and I say “Kiss me, please.” And now she’s looking at me like ‘what the hell?’ but there’s an element of want in the confusion, so she leans in and brushes my lips really soft. I’m sitting there and now I’m yearning, but I’m also cursing, because how could I be so stupid? Phonetically speaking, I was never smart like Garrett is, so I just grab Nicole’s hand and pull her up and kiss her again.
She gasps into my mouth, so I guess she’s either realized how stupid I am or she’s as happy as I am about kissing. She’s a fuck good kisser. I didn’t expect that, and now she’s mumbling something against my tongue, and even though I’m dancing because I’m trying to make the echo of Lucy go away, I stop. Nicole is making that echo disappear, so I think I owe her something.
“Nicole, dammit, what?” It comes out fiercer than I meant, I guess, and I’m pulling her back into the car because I need to leave.
“I was just trying to say-” and then I look at her with the cartoon question marks so she stops and says “just take me anywhere.” so I nod and she goes “I was trying to say that I need to go somewhere. Which is convenient because you’re going.” I smile and I say
“Music?” She nods, so I push play on my tape recorder and then she looks at me with raised eyebrows.
“You’re such a fucking anachronism. A tape player?” She’s sort of laughing when she says this, and for some reason all I can think is ‘damn her lips are parched like women in the sun like warm.’ But then I laugh and I go
“How long have you waited to ask me that?” She shrugs but I can tell it’s a been while since she first thought that I was an idiot for having a tape player. What she doesn’t know is that I like tapes because they exist like control, and how can you not like winding it when you can’t control anything else? So I’m winding or rewinding or forward I guess to the right place and I go. “Do you like The Flaming Lips?” I do. I love the Flaming Lips and I wont fucking let Lucy ruin them for me because she also loved the Flaming Lips and I’m fucking losing the commas again so I look at Nicole because she helps me get them back.
“Yeah. Stupid songs about Superman are good.” She says that and I’m looking at her and I’m trying to say that I need Superman because, don’t we all? But instead I go and I say;
“I bet Superman would get self conscious if someone told him how stupid he looks in spandex.” I’m smiling like a rooster all cocky and shit but I’m wincing really because it isn’t what I meant to say and I bet Nicole will remember that she likes Garrett because I just insulted Superman.
“No. I don’t think he would, you know? Because, dude, its not like Superman’s real. He’s not a fucking person, even in the comics where he’s saving that reporter chick, he’s not like, corporeal,” and she pauses and what can you even say know when you’re sort of thinking something but not finished yet, cause you’re in awe of her mouth moving like women stranded in the sand, “he represents, you know, that insane adrenaline and the shit that’s strong in us that we don’t even know about. What, did you stop looking for your superman or something Carson?” And then I’m blinking, but not physically, because yeah, I have stopped looking because right now I’m too busy looking at her press her lips together and they’re not chapped they’re like a bicycle when its new and even though you can’t stop thinking about your old steady bike, there’s something damn amazing about this new one and you can’t stop wanting to ride it. But shower sex can’t fix this kind of parchedness.
And then I’m gone and I’m there and Lucy’s pushing against me and she pulls away with that look in her eye like she’s gone but still there and I’m an oasis just begging for her to adopt me. She’s moving and moving and I don’t want her to stop, why would I? Commas are disappearing in favor of rants and oh she never stops moving and glinting and how I could have lit those boxers on fire. But then Nicole turns the light in the car on, and I remember that I’m here in a brand old Ford with a tape player and Nicole is looking at me like she expects something real, so I say “I guess I have. How am I supposed to find him?” Honesty is the last thing I expect to say but I’ve gone and said it and there’s no way to rewind the tape, so I just keep driving because the only direction I can go is forward.
Stream of conscious.