Whilst sitting in the Queens Head Public House, after eluding umpteen-million reporters and paparazzi, Princes William and Harry are having a quiet pint in the ‘grandads’ corner discussing their futures. Feeling relaxed in each others company they drop the airs-and-graces expected of them by society.
Harry: So what you gonna do when you’re finally King, Wills?
William: Make beer free!!! Laughs at his own joke.
Harry: Ha, Ha, very funny! But seriously Wills, is there anything you especially wanna do when you’re King?
William: Yeah, get the whole world to understand that being Royalty is just a job.
Harry: It’s a bit more than that, mate! There’s responsibility for the country and all our citizens for a start and …
William: Butting in. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. But I also have a life! So my first duty would be to get the press to understand I only work a 40 hour week! I get four weeks holiday a year without any press and if I want to take a ‘sicky’ then it’s nobody else’s business other than mine.
Harry: A ‘sicky’? You could take as many as you want, mate. It ain’t as if anyone’s gonna sack you for taking too much time off work. Talking about time off, have you thought about where we’re holidaying this year?
William: Same old, same old. I suppose. Kloster’s with Dad, with a quick sneak off to check out the local talent. Do you remember the chalet girl from last year? What did they call her? Betty something or other.
Harry: Who could forget her! I’m surprised she didn’t fall over all the time with such big boobs. What was her name? Ermm, Bouncing Betty! And I know for a fact, she didn’t get her nickname because she was good at trampolining! I speak from first hand experience.
William: I remember that! The press had a field day! And Gran, well, she “was not amused!” I can still see the headlines; “mystery woman sneaks into Prince Harry’s bedroom.” And what was it? “Harry, late night romps!” If only they knew the truth!
Harry: Yeah, the headlines would definitely have read differently. Can you imagine how Dad would have reacted if he’d caught me?
William: Who’s to say he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s the reason he suggested you joined the army. To make a MAN of you! I still don’t understand quite what you thought you were doing.
Harry: Nothing really! I thought it’d be a laugh to join the chalet staff when they were partying. So, like you’ve done a few times, I climbed out of the chalet window when everyone was asleep. Legged it over to the staff quarters and had a couple of drinks. Chatted to a few of the birds then realised I’d not got a key to get back in. I knew dad would throw a wobbly if I knocked on the door and with all the press hanging about I didn’t want to show him up.
William: So why didn’t you just climb back through the window? I’ve done it!
Harry: For a start, I was half cut and then there was the problem of the reporters camping outside our chalet. I’d managed to sneak out without getting caught but odds were stacked against me when it came to climbing back in; I could hardly walk in a straight line let alone climb up the wall with nothing to hold on to. So Betty came up with a plan. I borrowed her maids’ uniform and she did my make-up then we bribed the receptionist into handing over the master keys. That’s all! We thought the reporters wouldn’t pay a blind bit of notice as staff go in and out all the time. But someone must have tipped them off or I suppose, it could have been because I went in and never came out!
William: But I still can’t understand why you borrowed her uniform. There’s plenty of waiters about, you could have asked one of them to lend you something.
Harry: That would have been boring!
William: Sorry, not with you mate! Are you trying to tell me you like wearing women’s clothes or something?
Harry: No, you’ve definitely got the wrong end of the stick. You obviously remember Betty and what sort of figure she had. So me, being a true gentleman, offered to give her a hand to undress and I can tell you, they aren’t fake!!! Who would you rather be shut in a broom cupboard with whilst they take their clothes off; some old waiter or a gorgeous bird?
William: Got you. You definitely made the best choice! After all, can you imagine what the headlines would have been if you’d got caught in the broom cupboard with a waiter? “Harry’s coming out of the closet!”
Harry: The least said on the subject the better, you never know who’s listening. Well, best drink up ‘cos Gran’ll have dinner on the table!
William: See, it proves my point. If it weren’t for the press then you could have banged on the door like any other lad, got Dad out of bed, received a verbal ear-bashing and that would have been an end to it. Instead of sneaking about, wearing women’s clothes etc just so you can have a social life. Come on, let’s go, otherwise Gran will have the hump if dinner’s cold.
A five-minute script, with all due respect to the Royal Family as no harm or malice was intended, displaying the ‘human-side’ of the two princes and the intrusion of the press on their lives.