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Blood From The Machine (Sanguis Ex Machina) by pauldrobertson

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Blood From The Machine (Sanguis Ex Machina) by 


Sanguis Ex Machina

translates from latin as “Blood From The Machine”
soft charcoal, white pastel and red pastel

Me and my scars. When I say I have bipolar, I mean it. I have attempted suicide many times and self-harmed more than that. It is not something I am ashamed of, nor am I at all proud. I have looked at self-harm, and looked and looked, trying to understand it. And I have come to the conclusion that for myself, I cannot. It is irrational. It is a manifestation of the illness. It makes no sense to me.

It becomes a desire, an end unto itself. I have been in many ways completely normal – lucid, rational. Smart. And yet within this is the continual overriding desire to cut myself. My mind will not leave it alone but tears at it and fills it as if it were an act of need or of succour.It has nothing to do with attention – as you can see, almost all my scars would be invisible were I to wear a longsleeve shirt. Which is what I always did. But not any more.

So why? There is NO ANSWER. This is one of the things about the reality of mental illness – looking for causality often cannot succeed. It is merely that something somewhere is not working as it might in this person’s head. Something wrong, something gone, out into the soft and never ending night. Some baffling and sad aspect of humanity.

Tags

chalk, charcoal, com, master, paul, pauldrobertson, portrait, robertson, self

HI EVERYBODY!!
I have been writing my novel, which is so exciting i made my cat throw up last chapter I finished. Um… I spun her around saying “YAY!” too much. so i haven’t been painting anywhere near as much as i like to. (I’ve also been realllllllly sick. oh well.) Apart from painting I have a side-line in cat straightening – an uncommon skill that i learned in a dzong in Bhutan.

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Comments

  • PJ Ryan
    PJ Ryanover 6 years ago

    your creative talents are outstanding

    strength to you always xx

  • butchart
    butchartover 6 years ago

    this is a brave and absolutley stunning piece of art paul….. made even more so by your gutsy and very honest description….. thank you for sharing both………………peace and light……….b

  • Ushna Sardar
    Ushna Sardarover 6 years ago

    outstanding!

  • jaycee
    jayceeover 6 years ago

    Sensational… and yes your honesty is fantastic.. who knows who is out there that can relate, this could work towards someone else starting to try to understand their journey.

  • Susie Mac
    Susie Macover 6 years ago

    Such a powerful image… awesome piece of artwork… thank you for showing us your reality… bravery… well done susie :)

  • Susie Mac
    Susie Macover 6 years ago

    Such a powerful image… awesome piece of artwork… thank you for showing us your reality… bravery… well done susie :)

  • StacyLee
    StacyLeeover 6 years ago

    Powerful and honest work. Just shows that we all need healing in some way or another.

  • michael51
    michael51over 6 years ago

    I have no other words that are for a genius your work is sadly brillant

  • Ariane
    Arianeover 6 years ago

    Your work moves me completely – your honesty opens my own heart – and your sadness runs in my tears. Love and Peace to you.

  • Tony Ryan
    Tony Ryanover 6 years ago

    Hi Paul,

    Think once again your honesty will help others to embrace their emotions more deeply. I have friends who have cut and it is so hard to understand. As you say it is part of the bipolar confusion and in my opinion should be opened up for discussion rather than hidden. Think it is great that you keep searching and keep sharing.

    Best Wishes Tony.

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