Round and round the sun we go; the moon goes round the earth. We do not die of death we die of vertigo. by pauldrobertson

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Round and round the sun we go; the moon goes round the earth. We do not die of death we die of vertigo. by 


Pencil

hello once more
tis i paul art-guy extraordinaire. or i was.

My hands are seared cauterised stumps my mouth solid bone.

I have barnacles on my shoes and my feet are encrusted with cities of coral, constructed not from their own bodies but from splinters of slippery phoenix eggs. Impossibly sharp and so bright. So bright.
Makes my boat go like a confused piece of soap though.

Gentle light and soft chords in the night.

i have chronic pain. i have always been bipolar.
i have a huge left temporal lobe tumour that deforms my brain to the point where my skull is observably the wrong shape. this is NOT cancer, and has prolly been around since i was born, fucking everything up.

the pain has continued for four years now. and no-one, NO-ONE, seems to have any idea what to do about it.

In a hell. A burning bloody hell.

it… there is a terrible, inevitable mass pushing me forward in time. it is some colossal blind thing at my back, behind my eyes, aching underneath my teeth.
it is inexorable, irresistible, mindless, deadly and horrific.

it is eating my life.

the years do not even stir the scorched nerves in my fingers as they drift through their grasping, wretched reach.
though often every minute is a horror of slow slow existence from second to second.
a wyrm of terrible, irrevocable power nudging us forward, each breath closer to death.
In my tiny world and my ugly, pale and powerless life -
i barely notice the years that have passed.
I have so much to do!

and i am… kind of CREATIVE.

!

this last sentence, statement, pre-ponderous exclamation, is complete bullshit. I was. Now I am not.

I can do a few things for a day or a few hours each week, I am too fucking sick. That. Is. Not. NOT. A creative person!
I was so much more…
For some months i was in hospital, a mental ward, getting shock treatment in 2004. i painted and drew for at least 10 hours every day.
i have painted… written… in a living carnivale freak show extremity.

and the despair that worsened every year and tried to kill me and took my hands away from me and used them to cut my throat.
even in the coal-black abyss of despair…. i fucking WORKED. i NEVER STOPPED.
i do not remember but in the hospital when i was getting the shock treatment (ECT), my beautiful friend Kirsty tells me that the dressing I wore over the vicious tear in my neck was

covered

in

paint

the pain is not as bad, truly, as the despair that stalked me, so deadly.
it is not. it hurts… less… but…

Even though I have worked through such horror and never stopped…

I can’t paint now. I paint… badly. The pain, i cannot paint whilst in pain. And it never stops.

My writing gets confused. I can’t play my guitar, nor sing. I just…. fucking SUCK at all this.

I just… fucking… suck.

And the despair is coming for me. It will cripple me anew. It will be a fierce ally to pain. Oh. Oh.
Oh. No.

Despair comes for me. And I am afraid.

HI EVERYBODY!!
I have been writing my novel, which is so exciting i made my cat throw up last chapter I finished. Um… I spun her around saying “YAY!” too much. so i haven’t been painting anywhere near as much as i like to. (I’ve also been realllllllly sick. oh well.) Apart from painting I have a side-line in cat straightening – an uncommon skill that i learned in a dzong in Bhutan.

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Comments

  • mysteryfaith
    mysteryfaithover 6 years ago

    a vertiginous thought…a turning of the mind to a different way of thinking.. thinking in a way never thought could be .. possible.. change.. it is a constant thing..learning can’t take place without its occurance- B.F. Skinner-Behaviorist theorist.. in education

  • Mohamad Amin Khaxar
    Mohamad Amin K...over 6 years ago

    waoWWWWWW!
    extravagant workart and singular title…
    wow! what a lovely long description…
    wonder worker!!!!
    well done,
    mhd.

  • C.C. Arshagra
    C.C. Arshagraover 6 years ago

    The shedding of it all. Can we breathe through the fixed fears of knowing --of knowing pain’s might. He exhales "….. yes; hell yeah! " And then rises to sleep with peace completely naked. In bed with a true love named Wonder. Now resting.

    Thank you paul, this is the inspiring movement of words which this image gave to me, and now out to you here, through me.

  • jaycee
    jayceeover 6 years ago

    This is amazing…. must say it might be worth reading the Quran too… its amazing how similar some of the beliefs are.

  • scarletmoon
    scarletmoonover 6 years ago

    I like!

  • Gregory Ewanowich
    Gregory Ewanowichover 6 years ago
    Awesome work of art and thought! The more we go round and round the more we stay so similar to the very beginning and end!
  • Ushna Sardar
    Ushna Sardarover 6 years ago

    awesome work! well done!

  • kaylarenee
    kaylareneeover 6 years ago

    your words are SO real and gorgeous.. i loooove it

  • Rayven Collins
    Rayven Collinsover 6 years ago

    You know paul, i think you were born in the wrong time. You remind of a good classic play. The way you say things, seems straight out of a shakespeare play. Not a bad thing, in fact, a good thing. Makes you very interesting and draws people in I think.

  • Suzanne German
    Suzanne Germanover 6 years ago

    round and round we go alright……the human chasing the sun around the horizon….and the earth….and what? exactly all depends on the perspective doesn’t it? the madman lover you describe seems so comfortable in his own skin and in his manhood ….a good way to be!

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