SOLILOQUY

pauldrobertson

SOLILOQUY

WHY NOT speak truth and long and exhale hard into the empty hearts the softness of the night

I don’t know I don’t know I seem to be in and out and up and down and it
Seems like it would all be a big fucking drama.

I have coped sooo well for so long I have tried so hard I know you will
understand, I gave up drinking and it nearly killed me so many times and I
WANT A DRINK RIGHT NOW this is why I keep a dry house except when it is
raining or I play with the hose
Haven’t had a drink since 98 so many YEARS not a sip not a drug nothing to ever
stop the shit in my head from going round and fucking round and I feel so
SICK all the time.
What the fuck are we all looking for where is an answer? I have read
Descartes and Kant and Nietzsche and the bible there’s nothing the fuck
THERE!
I can’t stop shaking and it is hard to type, but I will not call some
guys in white jackets with somber kind expressions and very clean shoes.
I have taken my clonazepam and I did NOT overdose even of I wanted to; I will do some WORK and call my doctor tomorrow and this desperation will continue, part of the answer, the real answer is that there is NOT AN ANSWER and I will have to trade my mind for my life for a while WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DEAL IS THAT??

EXCISE my personality remove expunge it – all my work will STOP
and it can’t hold me close to it hangs me from sticky painty threads
I am on the cusp, a breath, a stroke away from something
extraordinary. Balancing and teetering but heavy with velocity and density
“I have to wait. Just a few weeks, a few million seconds, if that’s enough.
It’s moving slow but heavy (radius and inertia and depth) like an oil tanker
or a tectonic plate. Hurts too much. I’m too tired.
I lost the keys. I thought I had them for a while but they turned out to be
the wrong ones. I was wrong again.
I have no will.

Come on, give me the crook of your arm to cry on.

I’ll tell you about the menagerie of moons and press your hand between my
hands and wishwishwish.”
Quote MYSELF sure.
But for right now my meds are squishing down my brain like printing press
and I
I have avoided it one more night.
I will sleep

SOLILOQUY belongs to the following groups:

1 on 1: The Fine Art of Portraiture , Realist Traditional Art, Spiritual Art and The Artistic Nude
SOLILOQUY by pauldrobertson
  • Shanina Conway

    Shanina Conway

    Wow Paul, this is exquisite! the shade and gentle lines and the highlights..stunning work!
    I love your b & w as much as your colour work.
    Glad to hear the demons passed and hope today and everyday gets better for you:)

  • hatefueled

    hatefueled

    you me, and a bottle of vodka anyday, you’re such an interesting guy, i’d love to take a tour in your head. great work.

  • Olga Savvidis

    Olga Savvidis

    My current obsession is the abstract female form; this is a great study; so simple and elegant.

  • pauldrobertson

    pauldrobertson

    thanks… as always shanina.

    and some day soon perhaps ms hateery gurl.

    thank you olga… dunno if it is abstract…

  • Helene Kippert

    Helene Kippert

    This is stunning Paul.

  • Popular Mr

    Popular Mr

    This is very nice paul. I like your work.

  • Leia

    Leia

    Beautiful portrait.
    And what a unique writing style, it seems your filter is open so that we are lucky enough to read what is actually being created in your mind.
    Look forward to seeing some more of your writing, maybe in your journal?

  • PennyEdwardes

    PennyEdwardes

    stunning!

  • kaleidoscopecreation

    kaleidoscopecr...

    Wow…....... how dark are you?? Chaos creating dancing stars…...............very exciting!!!!!!!

  • Katie Young

    Katie Young

    Absolutely amazing…. i worship you

  • pauldrobertson

    pauldrobertson

    hah! worhsip… er? i blush at the idea! thanks to everyone :)

  • brummieboy

    brummieboy

    Gorgeous …..

  • Nicole Goggins

    Nicole Goggins

    stunning!

  • Marilyn Brown

    Marilyn Browncommunity host

    This is just sublime. It is such a sensitive piece she almost glows.

  • Christine K

    Christine K

    Lovely..your work is excellent!

  • Peco Grozdanovski

    Peco Grozdanovski

    Beautiful work… my compliments!

  • DelorisKaren

    DelorisKaren

    I am speechless! I think Shanina said it best! :o)

  • Rayven

    Rayven

    Beautiful work. Don’t you just love drawing the figure?! You are a very interesting person. I want to know you.

  • Liz  Wohlrab

    Liz Wohlrab

    beyond beautiful love everything about this piece

  • Liz  Wohlrab

    Liz Wohlrab

    beyond beautiful love everything about this piece

  • MissMena

    MissMena

    breathtaking. <3>

  • pauldrobertson

    pauldrobertson

    thank you all so much :)

  • caroline ellis

    caroline ellis

    perfect and so sensitive

  • sharra

    sharra

    this looks like a real photo…its fantastic.

  • Suzanne German

    Suzanne German

    Paul this painting is extremely beautiful and ..well, yes she’s beautiful. Her expression is so full of feeling – brimming with sensitivity and even though you can’t see her eyes (here) you can see what she’s seeing because of the overall sense you get from her presence in this painting.
    Her perfect body – holding darkness and light – shedding and absorbing both of these.
    Her form, shape and the shading you’ve used – utter brilliance (literally!)
    The way you have modelled her into and out of your mind and onto your canvas and she has taken with her …some of you and is projecting some of it onto the spot she is focussed on and protecting some of it inside her…..well this my initial reastion to this painting. Especially after having read the description beside it.

    A stunning piece of art! A remarkable mettle in your words her expression…. both lovely!

    Paul – honestly love this painting the most out of all the females you have painted. This one holds and imparts something extraordinary WOW!

    - suzannexx

  • Mary Campbell

    Mary Campbell

    Beautiful girl, sad sad reading of your creative pain, and struggle.. Your art will always be there it’s in you and can not be surpressed even with meds… You will learn new paths to let it emerge, and life is and can be a wonderful retreat.

  • Liz  Wohlrab

    Liz Wohlrab

    this is absolutely beautiful love the angle and fine detail along with beautiful shadowing, outstanding work

  • uosha

    uosha

    very impressive!!

  • Janet Boyd Art

    Janet Boyd Art

    HI, PAUL, here i am in louisiana, looking at your work again. Thinking that you are one of the best artist that i have ever seen. and wishing you peace.

  • Janet Boyd Art

    Janet Boyd Art

    and hoping that peace and astounding art are not mutually exclussive.

  • pauldrobertson replied

    thank you janet.

    and… well. in truth i have no idea what iti s to feel relaxed, let alone PEACEFUL.

  • chrisdade

    chrisdade

    This is truely stunning and magical!

  • crirossi

    crirossi

    te lo scrivo in italiano perchè il mio inglese è pessimo.
    Soliloquy è bellissimo e intrigante, e malgrado sia monocolore ha una luce bellissima.
    Complimenti

  • DreamzInspired

    DreamzInspired

    Absolutely beautiful :)

  • Benjamin Liew

    Benjamin Liew

    fantastic… well done

  • Anne van Alkemade

    Anne van Alkemade

    a devine image, and congratulations on it being included on the home page. So beautiful.

  • sra58

    sra58

    Congratulations on making the home page. Beautiful work.
    Sharon A.

  • Scott Ruhs

    Scott Ruhs

    Stunning work, Paul!

  • paul romanowski

    paul romanowski

    OH ,DEAR…...SO WELL DRAWN…..SO, UH…..

  • dkiss

    dkiss

    A well captured portrait, and with soooo much going on in your mind in the background, or is this just after the event thoughts? myerotictouch

  • Kathryn Potempski

    Kathryn Potempski

    love this image, it’s just so engaging! The lighting creates a great mood,

  • Jacqueline Baker

    Jacqueline Baker

    I have to restict how much i read your emotional rollercoaster rides coz they trigger me and then i have a white knuckle ride for a few hours/days and i’m not a manic depressive. I’m an Idealist which has similarites i can be up and surfing the clouds one minute and down desiring death the next but your writings are so addictive i find it hard to stay away.
    I love this drawing so much the proportions are wonderful, the light incredible, the power drawing you in is mesmerizing, you have talent that’s for sure but the rawness of your writings are fascinating. And yet the depth of tenderness that accompanies this rawness is so passionate and so deep that loneliness must breathe down your neck all the time. Your desire to connect to self and channel that inner turmoil is apparant in your art and writings and my only sadness that i always encounter with reading your work is the desire to comfort you and ease your agony but maybe your best work comes from that i don’t know. Whenever i look at your work i discover a part of myself that lays untouched by anyone save God which is a desire to be visible to someone else. I feel like a blank canvas, an unpainted picture, as though i am on one side of a one way mirror and no-one can see me though i yearn deeply for it….to connect yet finding no one to connect to on my level. I find comfort in your art and writings as though for a moment in time i can reach out and am able to touch the faintest whisper of tangibility and briefly to feel joy in such depth of expression!!

    Thank you….......

  • George Lenz

    George Lenz

    she is hot… nice comp and tretments

  • matt572

    matt572

    beautiful

  • Joanne  Bradley

    Joanne Bradley

    Exquisite work! Congrats on making homepage!

  • SURYADI .

    SURYADI .

    beautiful …

  • JoAnnHayden

    JoAnnHayden

    Stunning work, just stunning!!

  • dimarie

    dimarie

    amazing works!

  • pauldrobertson replied

    thank you dimarie :)

  • Gary  Crandall

    Gary Crandall

    Paul, your confessional writings are as mesmerizing as your art work… all soul-bearing and beautiful… been down some of those roads myself in the past, and just as a practical note from lessons learned, perhaps try more nutritional supplements in lieu of the prescription meds you’re on which can keep you totally fucked up and “squishing down on your brain”... Thanks for sharing your words and art … they are masterful…

  • pauldrobertson replied

    i am trying a bunch of supplemtns right now actully, and on the most minimal of meds :)

    thanks again for your words

  • thiu khangchien

    thiu khangchien

    lighting is beautiful!!

  • Zuzana

    Zuzana

    love the light and shadows, great work!

  • LENA WEHNERT

    LENA WEHNERT

    beautifully done. :)

  • Laura Majcan

    Laura Majcan

    this image is absolutely brilliant!!! you really got the shading and lighting very smooth and soft. NICE WORK!

  • LeeAnn Larson

    LeeAnn Larson

    Incredible work.

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