Spitting the Dummy
I have been writing heaps about pain of late. I believe that much physical pain comes from the avoidance of emotional confusion. That this ignorance creates much of the violence and suffering in society. However many of us just stick to ignorance and judgment rather than going deep for the real answers to the ills of society.
Spitting the Dummy belongs to the following groups:
All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical, Core [C.O.R.E], Friends of RedBubble, Live, Love, Dream: May you have a Blessed Christmas Season , Melbourne & Victoria, The Healing Journey and The Sensual WordHave long believed that humans create their own chaos and violence by avoiding pain and discomfort. This morning Mum read a quote from a Frederick Shupin that read “every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on”. I think that we are so conditioned to go for the quickest fix to any discomfort and do not realize or perhaps do not want to realize that we are just creating an even greater discomfort in the future.
I also believe that this avoidance or ignorance to pain was created in our childhood. That we were rejected early in life where we didn’t have the mental thought capacity to understand the rejection. That unconsciously we have just looked for the quickest and easiest way to take the pain and discomfort away without ever embracing the experience for true knowledge and inner strength.
Have been reading a book by Paul Coelho where one of the characters said the following “ What he doesn’t know is that absolute evil has the heart of a child and takes no responsibility for it’s actions and is convinced it is right. And when it doesn’t get what it wants, it’s not afraid to use all possible means to satisfy it’s desires. Now she understands how it was that the angel changed so quickly into a Devil” The character was referring to her ex husband who was on a cold blooded killing spree. I so related to her words as I believe that the violence and dysfunction of society is created by a lack of transparency in parenting.
Children come into the world from a place of abundance and are very much angered by the environment they are born into. When they cry or appear angry parents go straight for the dummy as a quick fix. Even as children get older parents often avoid going deep for answers if their child is reacting badly to it’s environment. If they could they would also try to use a dummy to solve their child’s issues. The way I see it elders are mostly guilty inside as they feel that they are not as strong as they should be. They try to hide this guilt from others including their kids yet the guilt and manipulation is still felt but never admitted to.
This is a society issue that has so many kids and adults spit the dummy. It also relates to the quick fix epidemic of anti depressants that kids and adults take. In addition there is also a host of other society substances and activities aimed at taking away pain and discomfort quickly. Such things as alcohol, party drugs, television,political correctness and even normal medicinal drugs like aspirins. We seem obsessed with avoiding discomfort yet by continually avoiding it are only asking for wake up calls later on.
I believe that people create much of their emotional and physical ailments by this avoidance of inner pain. I see it that many of us have stayed as immature as when we were kids. That we have continually caked on more drama by avoiding painful experiences and moving forward before we had understood why we have felt pain. We then create a victim mentality where we act as if we are pure and those who hurt us are definitively wrong. However whilst kids may rightfully expect to have their comfort provided for adults should not have the same self absorbed righteousness. Kids may start life with freedom and joy but if they do not grow to embrace confusion and discomfort this freedom and joy will be lost for ever.
www.leapoffaith.com.au
RVRFNX
Very wise words. There are no shortcuts in life – only different paths. If you are going to do something do it right, or don’t do it at all. These are some ideas which rose up from the depths of my mind. I really am glad that you shared your thoughts here. My final thought about your work is that it leaves me a bit bitter because there are so many people out there who need to read your wise words, but they won’t, or if they do, they won’t take them into their heart. This annoys me to no end.
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks very much for your response. I still have many moments of bitterness about certain aspects of life. However I am doing all I can to transform bitterness into more knowledge as I so want to live as a gentle person. However given there is bitterness within me I believe I am doing the best for myself by not holding guilt over these feelings. This then allows me the freedom to get deeper into my what is behind my feelings. The more gentle I become the more chance I feel I have of reaching others.
Watertoy
I think many people refuse to accept responsibility, have a great fear of change and the unknown which then translates into insecurities which they then hide. Others are very comfortable in their own Misery Pit too. I wonder what the outcomes would be if parents were game enough to put their hand up and share their struggles with their kids ? A stronger family union or greater fear ?
Tony Ryan replied
I very much agree with you that many people at some level are dependant upon their misery. Almost gives them a purpose or validation in life. I believe that if parents and all others in positions of authority were transparent that our kids and world would be a far more fulfilling place. There may initially be some more fear but I believe it would be replaced by wisdom and freedom.
frenchblue
i am guilty of all of the above!....however how does one save a drowning man if he first needs to save himself?....
i can totally understand your view on these issues….however may i ask if you have any children?
As a parent of 2 young children, i will vouch that it is the most difficult job anyone will ever face!....
While i was pregnant, i was educated & told about all aspects of the pregnancy. Books, prenatal classes, nurses, everything a woman would need to make physical journey less complicated and less painful!!!.....(the very first quick fix!!....avoiding the pain!!!...or the more to the point…!...what to do when bubs pops out!??)
well you spend anywhere from 2 to 5 days in hospital if you’re lucky…and the you are sent home with your new screaming toy!!!...and a phone number to call during the night if you have any issues!!!...
Sadly, we are conditioned to find that quick fix, and if we are naive to it, we set up the model before we are even born
i guess that is why most fall into the trap of what has been done, they shall do!!
the most serious part is…. if one parent has a different view on how to bring up the child, it makes the entire journey even more difficult!....so one will almost unconsciously try to put out the spot fires!
From my own experience, i will add one thing….. i am and will do my best to give my children a good balance of life emotions and to continually be their life line…..
thank you for sharing!!
cheers! cm
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks for your words on this piece. I don’t have children but don’t believe that this is the only way to gain wisdom about parenting. Much of my words come from searching my parents and friends of mine who are parents. I believe that I was hurt more by my parents emotions and lack of communication about such emotions than I was by what they did or said or didn’t do or say. Further have seen the affect that my friends have on their kids by nort embracing their own emotional pain. They seem to think that their inner stuff will not affect their kids so long as they act happy and strong. Also they believe that there is nothing they can do about their situation. Think this is such a common aspect of human nature that we tell ourselves we are being as strong as we can be. However in life and death situations most of us find strength we never knew we had. I believe if we embraced pain more deeply that we would gain access to this sort of strength in normal life situations. As it is by rushing through discomfort we are only tempting more serious situations anyway. I am certanly not suggesting that going deep into pain and struggle is easy. I am suggesting however that the options of not going deep are far worse than facing the initial discomfort of going deep. I think we all want to do the best for ourselves and those around us. However many of us get overwhelmed with life and other people and then try to push the confusion ad pressure away hoping that it will not re surface.
Best Wishes Tony.
neilfels
Such strong and emotional words, all true, and again have reached out and touched me for this i thank you. If nothing else and at the very least these words have helped me through an uncomfortable point in my life, there is no shortcut, and there is a reason for pain thank you.
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks so much for your comments. Really humbled that my writings have helped you.
Matt Bottos
Really interesting piece Tony. I think todays modern lifestyle puts a lot of pressure on people. Actually its probably not the fault of ‘modern lifestyle’ ... but more that people feel that they need prove their worth by providing the best for their kids. Parents working longer hours to provide more for their children, then getting home too tired to talk & play with them. . I know Im guitly of this … finding a happy balance is the key I think. Being a parent is definately the hardest thig Ive ever done. In todays hectic pace many are looking for the quick fix.
Totally agree with your thoughts on pain, whether it is mental or physical, often the symptoms are addressed but the cause is not.
Tony Ryan replied
Hi Matt,
You make a good point about parents being under pressure to provide for their kids. One of my friends feels like he has to send his children to the best schools and get them the latest computer games ect but has little quality relationship with them due to his and his wife’s stress. Balance is such a key for all of us and is something I am especially motivated to perfect in my own life.
tkrosevear
No truer words spoken Tony, have been attempting to teach “FEELING the pain” to those I counsel for years, the ‘magic bullet’ is always preferred but only hides the issues to bite them in the arse later… a truly wonderful and inspiring write and I certainly am hopeful it is HEARD and FELT!!!!
Tony Ryan replied
I am so glad to hear that there are councellors that are teaching about embracing pain. I have read books on rational emotive therapy and believe that the theory is fantastic. Also have a friend studying to be a counselor here in Melbourne. They are teaching her very much about the importance of depth over treating symptoms.
ToastedGhost
Tis not til you have a child of your own that you truly reflect upon your own childhood.
I had the dummies, the quick fix… the balaclavas in case he got cold… the thermal vests… that poor sickly child… who was not told he was loved til he was 32… ha!
I attempt to reverse the process with my own daughter… each day my wife and I tell her how beautiful she is… remark how creative she is when she shows us her drawings…
She is 6 and the other day she asked “Daddy why are you so happy?”
“I am happy because I won a competition and I won because people love my work”
She replied “They love your work because the love you”
Damn that’s a wise kid I have raise and a loving one too…
My daughter was never given a dummy… we both decided they were a bad thing… If a child needs comforting give it a hug and give it some love…
Slowly my mother now 75 in examining her own mortality has learnt to give more freely of her love and fortunately my daughter also receives this love too…
I lost so much in my childhood… even my own name for 3 years…
I must repair the Sins of our forefathers
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks for yor response. I am wanting to write a piece called Sins of the Father and mother one day. It will be much about acknowledging the flaws in our parents but in understanding rather than holding pain and hurt. Think if we judge our parents and hold the judgment rather than search for reason that we then pass on the pain to our children. Fully agree with you that real attention/meditation is far more healthy for a child than a dummy or other avoidance practices.
RosaCobos
Listened to you…and listened to all of them… the RB friends here.
Good to have the chance to talk about these issues.
Well.. any of them are giving a different point of view…and some even strategies for not falling into that clear scenery that you mention
Oh…. I do not know.. really do not know. From the psychological point of view what you say is true. From the vital … individual experience.. is that.. individual and from the social environ, I do not think that having a dummy or giving a child a dummy when he or she needs
it would be a problem. We cannot demonize things… so say, television, cars, technology, fantasy, movies, books, food, clothing, fashion, wishes, desires.. it does not help. Love is many times confusing… and there is one thing for certain, the way that the brain works not wishing to support the pain, has to do with not depleting oneself.. and is good. The brain produces endorfines for that reason.. and these work with inner source too..but at the same time it is true that too many endorfines or satisfaction in short term generate a shortage of them and a need for greater quantities and make us weaker for frustration and even painful sensations So.. what to do? Wise men tell us that the most desirable things in life are those that are simple… and that we should crave for simplicity. Good… so are children happy with simplicity..?for sure.. they are. So I remember ….but things are multifacetic… and our needs grow and grow, just by a simpled desire to have them . So now… it can be that you do not give a dummy to a child and offer a hug…. but I remember that we learn by comparing.. and I had not may dummies when a child… and craved for both… those of the children that had them and sometimes the hug of my parents. Now.. there is a terrible pressure upon the parents for giving them true principles for living, true good example, morals, economic stability, education, success….everything!!!!!! dreamnt or desired…but where is the point of pain…why are we painful and how long or hard should we sustain it in order to be “hard”...or even resilient?
Bubbles I know this is….sorry…the theme is exhilarating….and it does affect not only children but adults as well…
At the end.. all one is ending talking of personal experiences… so the whole things is diluted into the subjective… and fastinatingly real.
A hug for you Tony….hitting the nail as usual.
Rosa
Tony Ryan replied
Hi Rosa,
Thanks once again for taking such an interest in my work.
To be honest he dummy title was more a clever title for me than a definitive criticism. The main message was to embrace pain or uncomfortable situations in order to lessen future pain. I think if humans listened to uncomfortable sensations with meditation and respect that much of what we have experienced as pain and violence would not have eventuated. I think that if we really embraced our inner emotional state as a priority that we would drastically change for the better how human life is experienced and manifested. We have been brought up to be victims to life rather than believing we are the masters of our own destiny. As such we unconsciously create our lives rather than creating what we really want in our own lives.
TubularBelle
WOW, everything you write strikes a chord with me but this one really resonates. It describes my son so perfectly, completely childlike at the age of 31, taking no responsibility at any time for his thoughts or actions and always expecting others to right his wrongs or fix his pain. As his Parent, I struggle greatly with how to react to this, for two reasons. One, everyone thinks him ridiculous and pitiful, so as his Parent is it not my job to be the one he can always rely on to NOT think that way of him, and two, what was my role and how did I influence his current state of being, is it my doing and do I even have a right to express an opinion. I feel so strongly though that as his only parent, his Father committed suicide 14 years ago, I am the one who must direct him towards the right way to behave for his own mental health and for the sake of those his irresponsible behaviour affects. I WANT to help him but am I the right person for the job? Every well meaning piece of advice meets with a ‘yeah, whatever’. My frustration is so close to boiling over, I feel it would be better for both of us if I stayed as far away as possible at his greatest time of need. But every disaster in his life is his own doing, he does not want what he has when he has it (ie: his wife and young children) and now that they are gone he cannot live without them, yet his anger at her, who was barely at fault, is gaining momentum by the day. He broke his hand beating up his Father-in-law in front of his children and all he cares about right now is how this inconvenience has affected him. As Rosa above me has said, you certainly have hit the nail on the head, but WHY when some things are so eloquently explainable, it is still so impossible to mend?
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks so much for these deep and honest words. They have really touched me. I have many friends and family who also seem to ignore the best advice and who seem hell bent on being destructive. It hurts me to my core some times. I don’t have a definitive answer as to how to get through to them. Every day I am searching deeper and deeper to find more reasons and more answers. Something I am presently wondering about is if some people have experienced such deep pain that they believe for sure that hate and evil is more powerful than love in human life. If this is the case then it may explain why they wouldn’t want to search deeply into pain and bad behaviour. If you believed that the most powerful force on the planet was evil then you would most likely not want to search deep as you know you would only find proof of your belief and feel even worse. In my own life I journal write each day about my own fears and insecurities and of those who touch me deeply. At least this takes away much of my frustration about myself and those who touch me deeply. Also once I feel balanced in myself I am less open to being bullied by my friends and family. I liken it to approaching a wild dog with fear. The dog senses and attacks. However if you approach without fear the dog may growl but is less likely to attack. I use this example in my own life to give me faith that if I can be in control of my own emotional state that eventually people around me will start to get control of theirs. Hope this helps in some way as I really feel for your issues with your son.
Ushna Sardar
traveller
Agree with the sentiment 100%.
Gerijuliaj
I love your way of writing and agree with so much of what you say…but hey it’s late and it’s been a busy day. I don’t want to write something for the sheer hell of it, so forgive me if I come back later and give a considered reply, which is what you deserve. It is wonderful to read something that has been so intelligently thought through and beautifully expressed. I will return….
Tony Ryan replied
Thanks for stopping by. Agree with you about writing for the hell of it. Much prefer depth and passion.
Best Wishes Tony.