She looks so much like you. When you were a young woman you met the man of your dreams. Whenever you would tell her about those days you would take her back into what seemed like a dream, your own fairytale come true. All her life she wanted the same, to be like you … in love forever. You made it sound so sweet and innoccent.
You the butterfly and him the dove.
What tortured you so in those early years before her? You tried to hide it but in shame you spoke of the unspeakable years later. It broke her heart. You suffered so much anquish. Perhaps you believed that was why your beloved left so soon. Paying back the dues for a life you did not own but for which you laid down the bricks.
Again you stumbled, didn’t you? A child growing in your belly that you did not want. There were already enough to feed. This one will cause your beloved to struggle for he will support even the unwanted, the joy from his own eye. You cursed her. When her eyes opened for the first time there was no one there to welcome her.
Something is wrong with her … her blood, it is not right. She will die. Remorse! Do not take my child away, I did not mean it. She is so fragile, so tiny. I cannot bear another cross. Release me from this! It was by the grace of a heart that opened late that she survived. She will not remember, she will not know … unless you tell her. Why did you speak the ugly truth? Did you not know it would be torture for her?
She found ways to hide … but you never even came looking. In her fantasy world you did not exist. When she would come running back for your touch, your hands were already full … no place for her. Did it anger you when your beloved would lovingly lift her up into his arms? How did you feel when her bright smile showed on his face?
She did not need you. His love gave her all that she needed … enough to keep her loving you even when it was not returned. She was so proud of the way she loved you. Did you know that? Your distrust, your accusations could not even disturb her peace or take away her joy. She was happy and fulfilled … without you. As a mother who was able to give and show love to others, that must have hurt you even more.
Was she the reflection you saw in your cracked mirror?
Guilt was made twice as hard by the spurts of love that you threw her way. Gifts of love peppered with guilt. Your wild child who was too free, too spirited … she must be broken and made tame. Protection … from her own spirit. Your fears filled your heart when it should have been filled with love. Though she managed to deflect your fears it was the sound of your painful voice that drove a stake through her heart. She cried and cursed the heavens for allowing so much pain to fill her heart. But she did not blame you. She blamed God himself and told him she would not love him anymore. We are safe now, Mom … I still love you.
Angels gathered around her as they took from her what she freely gave. Now we are even God … now we are even.
As the years went by without her, she realized how much she was loved. But she also realized it was not the way she wanted it to be. She may look like you but she is not you, perhaps because she did not have to share herself and be divided among her children having given birth to only one. Could she have loved as well as you if she had to?
Are you the reflection she sees in her cracked mirror?