“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” ~ Anton Chekhov
I was a terrible procrastinator. Well actually, I was VERY good at it! I even had my water shut off one time … not because I didn’t have the money to pay the bill but because I put the bill aside and decided it could wait. It became the start of a pile of papers to be considered later. Weeks later when the overdue notice came, it also went into the pile of unopened and unlooked at mail to be reviewed … um … later!
The shutoff notice also went into the same pile of unopened mail. Imagine my surprise when one day I went to take a shower and there wasn’t any water!
Well, I finally went through that pile and there was a lot more going on than just the water being shut off. My car insurance lapsed and the cable had been shut off but I didn’t notice because I never turn on the tv set!
What was wrong with me anyway? Why did I procrastinate? After having to drive to another town to take a shower at my oldest brother’s house I tended to everything and got all the bills paid plus the late fees and all was back to normal.
Normal! This was definitely not normal behavior for me! I was always on top of things, organized and running around doing and loving it. I told everyone that the moon was shining! No one bothered to look to see if it really was. And why should they, everything appeared normal!
I know what depression is … I lived with a manic depressive and it was not pretty. But I was not sleeping all day and night and I was not even moody with extreme highs and lows. In fact a lot of the time I felt nothing … nothing at all. I was the proverbial blank stare, always someplace else … staring into space … mind somewhere else!
To the rest of world, I looked fine. I went to work every day. I cleaned up my house … not to the perfect shine that I use to but it was neat and tidy without dust bunnies running around. Yep, it appeared like the moon was shining.
Happiness was not some elusive butterfly that could not be caught! It was a rarity not to see me smiling. I loved writing, reading a book, taking walks in the woods. I could drive around in the country for hours and hours just listening to music and singing along or picking up my camera and snapping off an incredible sight! Oh yes … this was paradise for me! Still is!
I was happy … when I was writing, reading, walking, driving, listening, singing and capturing. Happy and alone! But the moon is shining. I have lots of friends. Maybe I should look up one or two.
Laughing with friends and going to dinner together was great fun. Spending time with my son just talking and sometimes even going to a movie has always been a source of happiness for me … and him. I even went to dinner with a male companion and listened to his silly jokes. We have to do this again he said and I promised we would … while the moon is still shining.
It has occured to me that maybe the moon isn’t shining. But I have seen it shining, at least I thought I did. And everyone told me the moon was shining. No one has given me that flint of light on a broken glass though.
Can one live on dreams alone? Give me more than dreams, give me a flint of light on a broken glass.