“Sir, we’re surrounded. Our enemies are preparing to fire. We don’t stand a chance.” Stratz choked in his terror.
Colonel Phearson slammed his fist against the table. “How did they discover our location?”
He gulped,”Sir, they couldn’t know without inside help.”
“We can deal with conspiracy theories later, Major.” The colonel took a deep breath. “At least we have the general.”
Stratz screamed in desperation, ”Much good he’s done us! We’re being slaughtered—“
“Can it, Stratz. If it weren’t for the general, we wouldn’t have survived on that hill yesterday. Just keep your mouth shut, or we might think you’re the traitor.”
“I only meant—,“
“Here he comes now,” Phearson pointed.
A tall man approached. His ragged apparel did nothing to diminish his presence, and the dignity he commanded was etched in his thoughtful brow. Stratz gazed shamefully at his shoes as the general entered the tent. His expression had already accepted the worst.
“General, they’ve gotten the better of us again. There’s no way out this time.”
“There is one way….,” he looked towards the tower at the edge of the hill.
“The old tower, sir?”
“Take refuge there, Colonel, and send for backup. I’ll hold them off.”
Colonel Phearson held his gaze, and turned to comply.
“Inside everyone, move it soldiers!” They scrambled up the rickety steps.
“Colonel, look! It’s the general!”
The colonel grabbed the binoculars.
“He’s waving, no he’s signaling something! Three fingers, two, now one….”
And the tower exploded.
Tumbling Down
This is for the Star Twister—Tower competition. Any feedback is welcome, of course.
bchrisdesigns, 2 months ago
Natella, cool piece with historical references! I have to admit that the title gives a little bit away, so I was not completely surprised that the tower was destroyed. However, the last line of your story made up for it because it was so abrupt and to the point and that caught me off guard!
Natella2020 in reply to bchrisdesigns’s comment, 2 months ago
Smiles :o)
Thanks a lot. I’m pretty bad at titles, though I’m happy that I’ve redeemed myself a bit with the ending. :o)
Miri, 2 months ago
i was taken straight there with the emotion & the desc of the general,very good
i got slightly confused thinking at one point there were two generals – not sure you need to name him, maybe just refer to him as the General….anyway it’s a very small point in a good story & i didn’t see the twist coming….was wondering what he was signalling & then….!!
liesbeth, 2 months ago
Good one!! Yes, did see it comming when he had his last look at his hero ;-)
jcmontgomery, 2 months ago
Ouch! Such a twist, yet in the end it makes sense…the one no one expects….nicely done!
Natella2020 in reply to Miri’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks Miri, I appreciate your feedback. No problem, it’s a simple change. :o)
Natella2020 in reply to liesbeth’s comment, 2 months ago
Darn, and I was hoping to surprise. :o)
Ah, well, can’t fool everyone. Thanks Liesbeth, for reading and leaving such a nice compliment. :o)
Natella2020 in reply to jcmontgomery’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks, JC, for your nice comment. It hurts to doubt those whom you admire, and it hurts when it turns out that they aren’t worth the trust.
Summayyah Sadi..., 2 months ago
Hmmmm! Natella, I hear your evil laughter! Nice story, didn’t expect the twist either, thought immediately it was Stratz and then just as i settled down to enjoy the build up, it ended! Then I saw ‘last’ look…and that did give the game away! May I suggest taking it out? Just so that the game is not given away…. Well written indeed!
Natella2020 in reply to Summayyah Sadiq-Ojibara’s comment, 2 months ago
Jazaki Allahu Khairan, Summayah. I wish I could pretend that there’s some evil laughter here, but writing this actually made me sad.
You’re right, removing that part adds to the drama. Actually, the last look was supposed to be a sorry one. It wasn’t a game, the colonel had no idea, he was just sad to see the enemy destroy his beloved general.
Summayyah Sadi..., 2 months ago
Oh I see, it is sad that the last look he got was the betrayal…thats even more painful than the death which was over in seconds! Well written Natella, like I said earlier.
Zolton, 2 months ago
Yes, good one! I like it. Excellent flow to it.
Natella2020 in reply to Zolton’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks Zolton, I appreciate your comment.
Natella2020 in reply to Summayyah Sadiq-Ojibara’s comment, 2 months ago
:o)
WanderingAuthor, 2 months ago
I thought the traitor must be Phearson. I felt the desperation of the trapped men, their hope as their hero found a way to save them, and then… TWIST!
One thing does torment me; the first comment mentions “historical references” – perhaps it is just late (it is) but I can’t find any historical references here. I’ll probably wake mumbling the answer in the middle of the night, but just in case I don’t, please, enlighten me?
Paul Rees-Jones, 2 months ago
Great piece, I was wondering who the mole was, but then the general. Great!
DBALehane, 2 months ago
Nice even flow and well written. An enjoyable read.
liesbeth, 2 months ago
Hey, did you remove that part? This way you hold the tension till the end and you it gives a shock to find out what happened.. good writing Natella.
Natella2020 in reply to WanderingAuthor’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks, WA. You’re right, I missed that, as well. I haven’t made any historical references here, the tale is entirely fiction.
Natella2020 in reply to Paul Rees-Jones’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks, Paul. I tried to build it to remove any suspicion from the general. Thanks for your nice compliment. :o)
Natella2020 in reply to DBALehane’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks for reading and commenting, Darren. I appreciate your feedback.
Natella2020 in reply to liesbeth’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks, Liesbeth, for coming back. Yes, I removed that part, and, thanks to you and Summayyah, I got back up to the right word limit. So, thanks!
MickyMc, 2 months ago
I really liked the end
COUNTDOWN’S
ARE
EFFECTIVE!
I must nick that idea myself!
Natella2020 in reply to MickyMc’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks, Mick, really made me smile. But it’s going to cost you. How much are you willing to spend on it? I take only creative pay. Unless you have jewels, then we can talk…....
Alison Pearce, 2 months ago
Great take on the prompt and seamless writing!
Natella2020 in reply to Alison Pearce’s comment, 2 months ago
Thanks Alison! That’s a great compliment, and I have to thank my fellow RBers who helped me with the edit.