I wish I could really feel
the pain that inspires these tears.
But there is no compromise.
Either I live numbed.
Or I die emotionally.
Limbo is too easily hidden.
I am two people.
The one you see is the one you want to see.
The one beneath -
undermining, surly and destructive.
Beneath of me is held down chemically.
Beneath of me fights to escape.
Beneath of me would laugh and cry and destroy
my living flesh,
all so that I could feel the moment.
So on my surface I exist.
I eat and work and shit and sleep.
I drive and learn and I have friends too.
But I don’t live on my surface.
And I am not free within.
Wish
Chemicals are not the answer. But there is little alternative for some.
bellmusker, 5 months ago
I know this numbing more than I wish to, and I see into the core of these words. I’ve experimented with levels and doses also, trying to find the compromise you mention….all I can say is that beneath of you is never entirely locked away, and that both sides of you are in a constant blend of movement and even, I think, support, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times. And though it may offer little solace, being able to read words like this does offer support to those of us also struggling with this burden. Thank you for that.
Murphyoso in reply to bellmusker’s comment, 5 months ago
thank you. Yes, I thought you might understand.