Lucky Eddie wasn’t baptized with that moniker, he was baptized Eduardo de la Hoya Miguel Hildago Antonio Trujillo Fuentes, by the village priest (he wasn’t really the village’s priest, but took on the mantle for the occasion) who had lost his way (to the Lord and to Mexico City, where he was hoping to be reinstated by the Bishop after falling by the wayside after depleting the wine stocks reserved for Mass) and had now been in the village for two whole days, (this was a record – no other visitor had ever stayed that long) but the villagers saw this as a sign that the Lord had sent him to baptize little Eddie (‘Lucky’ came later) and to get his mother to repent for her sins. Not that the rest of the village was without sin, but they didn’t think so.
His mother couldn’t make up her mind what to name him, or who the real father was, so she named him after all the men she had slept with on or about the time conception took place.
Anyway, the whole town turned out for the baptism, all twenty seven of them (I told you it was a small town) as none of them had seen such a big boy being christened. The Priest could not take Eduardo in his arms as Eduardo had just turned sixteen, (years, not months) so he had kneel next to the font in order for the Priest to carry out the necessary. Most of the women present looked at their husbands with great disappointment, because, as Eduardo stood up to receive the blessing, the undersized swaddling cloth fell to the floor. I suppose that if you’re not endowed with good looks, size does come a close second.
Rosa, the only other child (if you can call a seventeen year old a child) in the village, gasped, “Madre’ Mia! El gigantico!!!!!” (O.K. folks, by now you must have realized that I can’t speak Spanish, so from here on forth please bear this in mind) She had been forced by her mother to sit in the front row, in the hope that her only daughter (she and her husband tried it once and didn’t like it) would receive a blessing from the man of the cloth, who by now was suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms from the lack of wine in the village and was keen to end the proceedings. She was blessed indeed, (it was a small church) as seated, she had a front row, eye level view of Eduardo de la Hoya Miguel Hildago Antonio Trujillo Fuentes, naked as the day he was born.
She was the envy of all the women (except maybe her mother) in the village.
Before we get sidetracked…….. little Eddie survived the ordeal and the embarrassment, but was inundated with dinner invitations by all (women) attending this momentous occasion.
Eduardo’s mother realized that she had to get her son out of the village. Fast. If she didn’t, the population in the village would increase dramatically, but with disastrous consequences. Imagine a whole village full of cousins. The most spoken words in the village would be , “Papito” and “Primo”!
So she negotiated with the Priest. Pesos and promises, along with a mule, in exchange for taking her son to the big city. Rosa followed them for three days before she gave up. Well, she didn’t actually give up….. along the way she met a cowboy who promised her big things. She misinterpreted this and was unhappy for the rest of her life.
Eduardo only realized how big Chihuahua was after following the Priest (who had claimed sole rights to the mule) for five days to discover that they were still in Chihuahua.. The furthest he had ever been from the village was about a kilometer, after the villagers had complained about the smell during a severe bout of diarrhea and requested (demanded) that he perform his ablutions downwind and far from the village.
Late one afternoon they entered Los Callabos (or was it Los Cordobos?) where the Priest traded the mule in for a bottle of whisky, a bed and place in the stable for Eduardo. To raise further funds for the trip he told the townspeople that the end of the world was nigh and that he would be giving absolution at the saloon that evening . To a man they turned up (there were no women in town so they would turn up for anything) to find out what their options were. Fire and brimstone was the order of service until the cheap whisky took over. From then on (until he passed out) the outlook improved for all the sinners in town. Full absolution was expensive though. A case of whisky and all would be forgiven.
Eduardo spent the evening in the company of three mangy horses.
Two days later the train arrived. Just as well. The townsfolk were starting to get very worried. The Priest had warned them that the end of the world was due the next day. And then the next.
A grateful Priest and a lonely boy boarded the train where suitable accommodation was found for both. Eddie got a space in the freight car, and his mentor, a comfortable compartment.
Eddie never complained. When you’ve never experienced something before, you have nothing to compare it to. So he was content. Hell, it sure beat walking!
The townspeople eventually realized that, thanks to a wonderful Priest, the end of the world had been postponed indefinitely. The fact that none of them had died during his brief sojourn in Los Somethingorother, added to their euphoria. The death rate at that time had been one death per person, but none of them had ever taken the time to work out that that was the ratio throughout the world.
The train rattled on through the vast, arid landscape. The conductor had warned Eddie not to fiddle, open or pee into, onto, or next to any of the goods in the freight car. But Eddie was getting bored, so he started rummaging through the boxes and bags and miscellaneous items that were haphazardly packed throughout the length of the car. The coffin in the corner interested him. A satin black finish with beautiful brass (or was it gold?) handles. His curiosity got the better of him. Gently prising the catches open, he lifted the lid.
Inside lay the body of a regal looking gentleman with a large gray moustache. Dressed in a somber black suit, the man looked as if he was asleep. Eddie prodded him to make sure that this was not the case, as his mother had warned him years ago that he must never wake any man that was sleeping in her bed. And she would have known a lot about these things.
The man didn’t respond. Eddie decided that he would change places with him. The satin lined coffin looked far more comfortable than the sacks of coal that had been his bed. After a lengthy struggle he managed to get him out. Dragging the body to the only available space, which happened to be in front of the large loading door, he hooked the deceased’s jacket collar to the overhead pulley. At least by keeping him in an upright position meant that it allowed him more room to move around in. Eddie then proceeded to make himself comfortable in the coffin. Soon he drifted off to sleep.
Around midnight, the conductor came to check up that Eddie had not pee’d onto, into or next to anything. It was fairly dark inside so he held the lantern aloft as he made his way through the car. He lost his balance as the train slowed down for some cattle crossing the track. He grabbed what was nearest to him. Nearest to him just happened to be the suspended corpse that swung around and was now facing him.
He disengaged himself with a scream that matched the piercing whistle of the train and dropped dead. Eddie woke up to the sound of the poor man’s scream and flew out of the coffin, thinking that the conductor was going to do something very nasty to him. Hell, the threats for just pee’ing were so great, so he could imagine what the man would do to him when he found him in the coffin! But he was in luck. Now he could pee onto, into, over, around or whenever he wished. But on finding the man’s body, the enormity of what he had done, sunk in.
He was in serious trouble.
Where could he hide the body? The only place that came to mind was the coffin. With great effort he eventually succeeded in doing so, never mind the fact that the body was the wrong way around, feet being where head should have been. But he was sure that no one would notice. Closing the lid, he slunk off back to his original bed, the sacks of coal. He lay there for a while, unsure what to do next. Somehow or other, before someone came to look for the conductor, or worse, open the cargo door, he had to get away.
Eddie was lucky, for only two people knew he was on the train. The now-dead conductor and the priest.
So he had to find the priest and confess to the crime, knowing that the priest could not report confessions.
Cautiously he left the freight car, unsure where to find the priest. The first two compartments were empty, but the third, a larger and far more luxurious one, looked as if it was being occupied by someone, as a large, ornate enamel bath stood in the middle of the floor. “Hello…. Anybody here?”
No reply. He called out again. Still no reply.
But the water in the bath was piping hot. Maybe it was the conductor’s compartment? Eddie decided that if that was the case, he might as well take a bath, the first in many days. Stripping off his clothes, he stepped in and settled back, the warm water soothing his tired and aching body. What he found strange though, was that the water was perfumed. Men don’t normally bath in perfumed water, but what the heck….. it was ever so nice.
What Eddie didn’t know; the original occupier of the coffin was a wealthy Alcalde, and that the compartment that he now occupied was that of Alcalde’s wife, who, by sheer chance, was seeking solace from the priest a couple of compartments down.
“Father” she said, kneeling in front of the priest, “I have sinned!” “Oh, nothing unusual about that” he replied, “it’s quite common around these parts”. “No father, you don’t understand. I was the cause of my husband’s untimely demise. He caught us el flagrante delecto!”
The priest, who only understood Spanish and a smattering of Latin, didn’t know what ‘el flagrante delecto’ was or meant, hastily assured her that all was forgiven. All she had to do was say twenty Hail Mary’s and be on her way. This confused the poor woman, for, on previous occasions and under similar circumstances, had been castigated and made to do and say far more!
With a sigh of relief she made her way back to her compartment.
But the Devil was on that train that night. Eddie was just stepping out of the bath as she entered. “Si caramba mama mia holy moly!” she cried out, knowing now why the priest had been so forgiving. He must have known she’d be back soon, for the temptation of what now stood (wide eyed) before her (she too, was wide eyed) was beyond temptation, and we’re not talking about Eddie’s looks!
Lady Chatterley was a babe in the woods compared to the enthusiasm and awe of Rosaria (not her real name) as she gazed (O.K….. she stared!) at the still startled Eddie before her.
Eddie was confused. Here he was, taking a bath in a stranger’s compartment and it looked like she was glad about it! He grabbed for his clothes.
“Stop!” she shouted, “Don’t you dare get dressed!” Now even more confused, Eddie complied with her request, although it sounded more like a command!
“Get into bed!”
“Si Senora” he nervously replied, ever so grateful that this stern, but kind woman would offer up her bed for a stranger. He thought that she was squint, for not once had she looked at his face. Still wet, he hopped into bed and pulled the covers up as far as he could. He then saw that she wasn’t squint, because now she was looking him in the eye.
Unlike the woman from his village, she was not shy. Ripping off her clothes took but seconds and wide eyed Eddie gasped at the fullness of everything he saw.
It was a night to remember…… Eddie’s first time. And second. And third. But who’s counting.
Eddie woke up the next morning with a heavy feeling, but managed to get out from under her. A tender and somewhat painful body part reminded him of what had happened during the looooong and eventful night. A real life and death experience. Or chronologically, a death and life experience.
But more drama was to come. The Montoya gang, a notorious band of criminals, had heard of the Alcalde’s death and were out to rob the train. Inside information had it that there was a safe containing jewellery and money in the cargo truck. On a rising bend they waited, having piled big rocks on the track.
The big iron wheels squealed in protest as the engineer pulled back on the levers in the hot cab of the locomotive, stopping centimeters short of the rocks. The gang quickly surrounded the train, pointing their rifles at anything that moved, yelling to all on board to get off the train or they would be killed. First off was the priest. He hadn’t sorted things out with his maker yet. Soon all the passengers were lined up next to the train with their hands above their heads. Not quite everyone….. Eddie and Rosario were at it again. Eddie had felt the violent shudder as the train ground to a halt, but assumed that it was Rosario. Rosario assumed it was Eddie, so the two carried on with their passionate lovemaking. Her squeals were heard by one of the gang who then jumped onto the coach and followed the noise. Assuming the worst, he kicked down the door and entered, gun in hand. The two were so hard at it that they did not hear him enter. Only when he fired a shot into the badly misshapen headboard did they (rather inelegantly) disentangle themselves.
Eddie’s first thought was that this was another jealous lover and he panicked. Diving head first through the window he landed a few metres away from the gang and their prisoners. He scrambled to his feet, now confused and more terrified than before. Did Rosario have a fleet of lovers?
“Caramba!” yelled Montoya, “He makes my horse look small!”
His sentiments were echoed by most present.
Inside the carriage, the intruder stood boggle eyed and unable to move. Never before had he gazed at such naked beauty. A fast thinking Rosario slowly stood up and moved towards the man. Taking the pistol out of his hand, she distracted him by placing the said hand on her breast. She then shot him in the heart. He died a happy man.
‘Manuel!” Montoya called out to one of his men, “Go see what happened!”
Manuel found the body lying on the floor of the compartment, shirtfront bloodied. What confused him was that the dead man was smiling from ear to ear. But when he looked up, his confusion vanished.
At the risk of boring the reader, history repeated itself. Now there were two smiling dead bodies lying on the floor.
Montoya was eager to get rich quick so he decided to forego further investigations into disappearing gang members. He ordered all the prisoners to walk a few hundred metres away from the train and remain there until further notice. The gang headed for the cargo van. “ Six of you go to the other side of the van. When I whistle, open the door fast! If anything moves, shoot it!”
They split up, rifles ready to shoot anything that moved. Montoya (clever man) stood to one side and whistled. Simultaneously the doors were pulled open. The Alcalde’s body, which had been resting against the door , swung out. The nervous gang members let rip, emptying their cartridges in a matter of seconds. Two things happened; the Alcalde, still suspended by the rope, was driven across to the other side of the van by the force of a dozen bullets ploughing into his body, where again, he was at the receiving end of similar treatment. But, not all the bullets struck the Alcalde. They hit the gang members shooting from the other side. The last man standing was Montoya, who had taken cover under the van.
Realising that he no longer had a gang, he scrambled out and ran for his horse. The horse, seeing a terror filled man bearing down on him, decided that he too, was going to be scared and galloped off, followed by all the other horses. When last seen, Montoya was still trying to catch his horse.
Soon, all the rocks were cleared from the track and with all the passengers aboard, the train resumed its journey. Eddie was the first to board. He was tired of all the admiring and envious looks. Running around naked sure attracts attention!. Rosario had in the meantime, gotten rid of the bodies and was now dressed like a grieving widow. She had seen the passengers being herded off into the bush and the way that they had looked at Eddie. She had to get to him before any of the passengers had the opportunity to talk to him. Firstly, to swear him to secrecy about their lovemaking, and, secondly, to lay dibs to future sessions.
Eddie, on the other hand, as much as he had enjoyed the night before, was quite prepared to go back to his bed of coals. He’d had enough action for one day. He wanted more Hocus and less Pocus! So a naked Eddie careened through the coaches, keen on finding something to wear. He was in luck, a dress and large woman’s hat was all that he could find. No matter, a dress was better than no dress. The hat would cover his face. He slunk through to the dining car and went and sat in the darkest corner. He’d hardly sat down when a large woman came storming in. She took one look at him and screamed, “You beeeeetch! You steal my dress!” Before he could move, she pounced on him and ripped the dress off. Boggled eyed, she saw her mistake. “I’m sooooo sorry!” she breathed heavily, “please, you can get back into it!!!!!! Just wait for me to put it on!”
Eddie took off, the woman in hot pursuit. “Come back….come back!….. you’re no bitch, you’re a real man!”
At that moment Eddie wished he wasn’t.
To cut another long story short, he managed to clamber onto the roof of the train. Inside the train, a fleet of woman were going from compartment to compartment looking for him.
A few hours down the line they passed through a village without stopping. Eddie had stood up and was making his way towards the back of the train. He was still on the roof and inside, a search party looking for him.
The villagers looked on in awe as they saw Eddie. He tried his best to cover up, but wasn’t very successful. Soon the village was behind them. But not a long while later, he saw clouds of dust following the train. As the dust got closer he saw that it was another fleet of women, this time on horseback. Fearing another robbery, he raised his hands. They all cheered like crazy. Quickly he dropped his hands to cover himself. Above the thundering hooves he could hear their disappointed sighs.
The engineer saw them getting closer and speeded up. The iron horse had more stamina and soon they were out of sight. (but not out of mind.)
Eddie eventually made his way back to the freight car where he cut down the now unrecognizable form of the Alcalde and pushed it off the train. Not a nice way to depart, but the only option Eddie could think of.
Rummaging through the luggage he eventually found clothing that more or less fitted him.
Meanwhile, back in the carriages, the womenfolk were now going through all the compartments for the third time. Many of them were beginning to express doubt about the credibility of what they had seen, “It must have been a mirage!”, “Maybe we had heatstroke”. The disappointed women eventually returned to their compartments. Rosaria, overhearing their doubts, was grateful, and set about looking for Eddie. She decided to head for the freight car to see that all was still well with her late husband. (How the hell can all be well if you’re dead in a box?) but, be that as it may, she did so. Eddie heard her enter and hid behind some baggage.
As she opened the coffin she let out a scream, “Madre mia! He couldn’t wait until he was in his grave before he turned!” With that, she turned and fled, heading straight for the Priest’s compartment. This time absolution took many hours and many, many Hail Mary’s. Her Rosary beads also took a hammering.
This story is far longer than I thought it would be, so I’m just going to do a synopsis for now.
Rumour has it that Rosaria became a nun, the Priest a barman and Eddie went back to his village where everyone now calls him, “Papito” or “Primo”.
The population of the village increased fourfold over the next couple of years.
Today it called Los Eduardos and is a bustling city. Visit it someday.