I smell age
and unanswered questions
like wet rust
where a search
for love
master of my body
exists in
daydreams
of tall men
greeting me
inside a door
at the end of a day
to hand me a drink
cup my face
kiss my temple
my lips
babe, you look tired.
I just get lost now
in this simple
train of thought
and walk
disembodied from
room to room
searching
for visual cues
of where it is
I once stood
and see instead
only dead things
left abandoned
in corners
staring back at me
with leech black eyes.
I’ve lost my ability
to sing
voice warbled
vanishing
in places
where it used to fling out
sound out
in deep tones full of blue.
Gone is my polarity
with heaven
cusped by images of Dad
a tattoo
on the inside of my eyelids.
So I stored myself away
on a shelf
inside a shut cupboard
and hunger for
pages of my youth
with its concrete steps
a library of stories
and words were the roads I traveled.
Across parchments
smelling of dried leaves
made from thin slices
of skin
I became broken
healed
and broken again.
Now with blurry eyes
lost hands
and a little girls heart
I wonder
I wonder
if I could sing
gathering the earth
sprinkle everything behind me and before me
with the dust of Daddys dead bones
would my voice
travel out like a starburst
and in that shaft of light
of dance
and song
reveal the woman he left inside?
(c) 2008 mstrace
Starlight, starbright...
Last night I dreamt about my Dad, the one I knew and adored as a child. I dream about him sometimes and when I do, it leaves me with a longing so intense, a melancholy I can’t seem to shake.
So I guess I’ll shake it here for you.
Outdoors2, 3 months ago
My Gosh this is beautiful Trace…xo
LisaG, 3 months ago
I find this piece so incredibly touching….and personal on a wish list of mine – by that I mean, I long to have the sort of connection and relationship you did with your father.
I feel your deep abiding missing….it matches’ my deep abiding desire to be felt by my living father.
XO
DarkHotel2, 3 months ago
...wow – how powerful (just give me a moment here..) I lost my father very young – so this resonates compellingly with me… a child should be coveted by their father, and now as a father myself the biggest treasure is my own daughter… Thank you for your beautiful words and your sharing nature…
flower68, 3 months ago
I’m having one of those days.where I shouldn’t read stuff like this because it just goes straight there.I never knew my real father,and my stepfather was mostly an asshole.Me and the whole love thing…too dysfunctional for words!
This is such a beautiful piece of writing.I wish my colours could keep up…
PJ Ryan, 3 months ago
I have tears in my eyes .. this resonates so very strongly with me .. my father was killed in a car accident when i was 13 .. we were very close … i also experienced the loss of my eldest sons dad just 5 yrs ago .. in a road accident also .. interesting how our lives have had a parallel .. and here i am rambling about my loss … sorry …. i’m not sure what words i can write here now .. there is too much emotion .. and i really appreciate what you’ve conveyed here .. i love your work darling and you touch my soul ~ you truly do xx
Mel Brackstone, 3 months ago
Ohh Trace…..........
MtnMan, 3 months ago
From what I have seen of this woman, she shines very brightly indeed. You have been found. : )
Peter Evans, 3 months ago
Very touching Trace :-)
bellmusker, 3 months ago
Trace, your dad instilled in you such a love of language; I can see it each and every time you write about him. I’m so sure how much your words would have meant to him. And I’m equally sure that you haven’t lost your voice, babe….you’re just resting it, so that next time you sing you can belt it out from every fibre of your lustrous being. And we’ll all be waiting to hear it. x
mstrace in reply to Outdoors2’s comment, 3 months ago
outdoors, I’m touched (truly) that you think so…
Sooo glad you’re on RB, and I thank you for that comment which was beautiful in itself.
mstrace in reply to LisaG’s comment, 3 months ago
oh geezus, lisa…I remember you mentioned once that you’d just seen your Dad (maybe after reading my “Dad I’m 40” piece?) and not getting the hug you craved and deserved.
I don’t know whats that like!! My heart seeps for you. Even though its been a very, very long time…I will never forget what he smelled like and how it felt to be hugged by him.
I wish this for you
mstrace in reply to flower68’s comment, 3 months ago
flower…you’re crazy…CRAZY!! The colors and art and magic you create astounds me on a daily basis. There is no way that they don’t compare with this.
And as for love = dysfunction. You and I have much in common there.
mstrace in reply to MtnMan’s comment, 3 months ago
Mtn…that is too kind. There are indeed days when I feel ‘found’ but many, many days I do not. That what the words are for!! for balm and succor.
But I thank you nonetheless for your heartfelt words
mstrace in reply to Peter Evans’s comment, 3 months ago
oooh Mr. Evans…where have you been? I’ve missed you here over in “the written word land,” big art photog that you are.
Thank you for reading AND especially for those kind words!!
mstrace in reply to bellmusker’s comment, 3 months ago
ahhhh bell…I must bmail you, because I’m afraid I will make a fool of myself and blubber like an idiot here in my reply to you.
flower68, 3 months ago
um..no I meant I want to illustrate this but I have so many (gotta illustrate thats on my list)I’m just going to say that one day I’d like to.No firm commitment untl I’m caught up :-)))
xoxo
mstrace in reply to PJ Ryan’s comment, 3 months ago
Nicole…you fucking wonderful girl. I remember distinctly you telling me about your own Dad in a comment you made after reading my “Hey Dad, I’m 40” piece. Being 13 and losing your Father…I CANNOT imagine. And the loss your son felt when he lost his father. See…the relationship or distance or amount of closeness…its ALL irrelevant, the loss is still keenly felt.
And your own writing demonstrates that, as it demonstrates your soul (a beautiful one indeed).
mstrace in reply to flower68’s comment, 3 months ago
oh, oh OH!!
In that case…I’m ridiculously flattered and I’m NOT going anywhere. You take your time sweet thing!!
Peter Evans, 3 months ago
Ohhh I’ve been around looking over you Trace, you gorgeous creature.
You led me to ‘Dad and the Bike’ ............an amazing piece.
After my one attempt in the writing world I think I have writers block lol.
But its always good to come and read the literature of such accomplished wordsmiths as yourself. :-)
Jaybe, 3 months ago
Hun….all I’m going to do is send you a massive hug…...((((((((((mstrace))))))))))
xox
PJ Ryan, 3 months ago
you’re beautiful xx
jjgmail, 3 months ago
the words swirl in my head, in my heart
I can feel the edge of innocence and it brings me right back
truly it is a moment painted
mstrace in reply to Jaybe’s comment, 3 months ago
aw man, now I feels all warm and fuzzy like.
tank oo darlink jaybe
mstrace in reply to jjgmail’s comment, 3 months ago
Thank you SO much jigmail for stopping by and reading my work…our Fathers had quite an impact on us, did they not?
mstrace in reply to Peter Evans’s comment, 3 months ago
now that is TOO kind…but mmm-mmm, I’m thankin’ you nonetheless dear sir!!
silverdollar, 3 months ago
Trace, when you write-the whole damned world should stop and read.Your vision, your soul, your whole life is laid bare for all to see. I adore both you and your Art.
aglaia b, 3 months ago
gorgeous heartfelt words my love!
you are your own wonderful madonna make a wish lovely lady! ;-) xox
mstrace in reply to silverdollar’s comment, 3 months ago
and I adore you for saying that….my dear Mr. Dollar
mstrace in reply to aglaia b’s comment, 3 months ago
i’m a lucky star!!
aglaia…thank you so MUCH for that!